ATJeff Answers Letters from JW Readers (page 9)

AllTimeJeff

Dear All-Mighty-Blubbering-Boobly

Why, as a sister must I also attend meetings and field misery wearing skirts even when it's freezing cold? Why can't I be warm and cosy by wearing pants instead? It gets hard to concentrate on Brother Boring's talks when I'm busy freezing my ass off at the Kingdom Hall... I think it's affecting my spirituality. The other night at the meeting I found my mind wondering off to what I'd like to do to Brother Hotandsingle... I'm sure if I had been wearing pants this wouldn't have happened.

Help

Sister Singletoolong

Dear Getile Sister Singletoolong

We would like to address why none of our studly bethelites haven't hit on you yet. Is it because they were sober? Or gay? Don't give up. Wait till one of them is an elder, then go in for the kill. We can't guarantee any sex will happen, but you will be married to a closeted gay former bethelite elder. We can't think of a happier event to happen for most of our sistas....

As far as pants, frankly, for all our bullsh*t regarding modesty, we can't remember why having the ability to have an "oops" moment and see what color of "Hanes Her Way's" you're wearing is somehow more modest then wearing slacks. Really. We don't know. It's been so long since we put that law suggestion into effect, we forgot. We think that it has something to do with our big crush on Donna Reed.

It could be we are oversexed too. Or maybe we are just di*kheads. Maybe its all of the above....

shamus100

Dearest Governing Body of Jehovahs Precious Organizational Structure,

I am single at 30 again, after my wife died of from not having a blood transfusion. The only eligible sisters in the hall are really nuts - you know what I'm talking about, the crazy cat ladies... "oooh, they all have personalities... they're just like people... oh, look at precious, she's sick...". It's all these weirdo's talk about.

Do I have to marry one of these douchebags?

Sincerely,

Horny Brother

AllTimeJeff

Dearest Governing Body of Jehovahs Precious Organizational Structure,

I am single at 30 again, after my wife died of from not having a blood transfusion. The only eligible sisters in the hall are really nuts - you know what I'm talking about, the crazy cat ladies... "oooh, they all have personalities... they're just like people... oh, look at precious, she's sick...". It's all these weirdo's talk about.

Do I have to marry one of these douchebags?

Sincerely,

Horny Brother

Dear Gentile Horny Brother

First of all, our sincerest happinesses that your former wife died faithful to us Jehovah. We can't say that you will ever be married to her again, but rest assurred, at least she will be resurrected.

We don't know how she will feel if you are horny and get married to one of those nutty sistas. Here's something that our CO's have reported as to how you can tell the difference:

Non Nutty and Eligible Sistas

Pioneering while under 500 lbs

Any sista who thinks a date includes studying for the next WT study.

Any sista who listens only to all versions of "Singing Kingdom Songs".

Non Eligible Sistas

Using rocks, crystals, and herbs to heal themselves.

Expressing unauthorized opinions in a car group.

Daring to wear sleeveless shirts when the temp gets over 90 degrees.

Daring to actually wear clothing that fits their form

Daring to ask questions that emasculates our idiot elders

If they think you're gay

Reading non JW books like "1984"

Any sista that thinks "ET" or "Star Wars" are from the devil.

Good luck getting lucky!

brinjen

Don't give up. Wait till one of them is an elder, then go in for the kill. We can't guarantee any sex will happen, but you will be married to a closeted gay former bethelite elder. We can't think of a happier event to happen for most of our sistas....

Thank you All-Mighty-Blubbering-Boobly

That sounds even better than being in the new system of things. Do you really think that will happen?

Regards

Sistersingletoolong

P.S. Can I have your phone number?

AllTimeJeff

Thank you All-Mighty-Blubbering-Boobly

That sounds even better than being in the new system of things. Do you really think that will happen?

Regards

Sistersingletoolong

P.S. Can I have your phone number?

Dear Gentile Sistasingletoolong

Well, its more likely you will meet a gay bethelite then it is you will get married.... But don't let that dissuade you from your pioneering.

Sure, I'll give you my number, its 1-800-JAHROCK

WuzLovesDubs

Dear Drooling Boobies:

I read recently that if a brother has had a vascetomy he is no longer qualified to become a ministerial servant. I was wondering if I could volunteer to be the one who checks to see if they meet this criteria?

Sistah Checkinshortz of South Bend

AllTimeJeff

Dear Drooling Boobies:

I read recently that if a brother has had a vascetomy he is no longer qualified to become a ministerial servant. I was wondering if I could volunteer to be the one who checks to see if they meet this criteria?

Sistah Checkinshortz of South Bend

Dear Sista Checkinshortz

First of all, I have been to South Bend. I don't think you are going to find any balls in the first place there.

But just in case you do, we suggest talking with the RBC. These are men who have no balls at all, yet, have never had a vasectomy. We have provided information on how to go about this delicate process. Usually, we find its best to do this on the roofing crew, as the most prone positions for brothers are to be found there....

WuzLovesDubs

Dear Gooberish Doobers:

I am the Presiding Overseer of the Gary Indiana West Congregation of Jehoobers Witlesses. It has come to my attention that Michael Jackson has left his entire Neverland Ranch and his collection of Jesus Juice to our congregation in his will.

Should we accept it? And would you recommend using it as a future Beth Sarim for me...er... you and your collegues?

Brother Diptnshyt

AllTimeJeff

Dear Gooberish Doobers:

I am the Presiding Overseer of the Gary Indiana West Congregation of Jehoobers Witlesses. It has come to my attention that Michael Jackson has left his entire Neverland Ranch and his collection of Jesus Juice to our congregation in his will.

Should we accept it? And would you recommend using it as a future Beth Sarim for me...er... you and your collegues?

Brother Diptnshyt

Dear Gentile Diptnshyt

Lets see, you are a JW, a PO of a congregation, you know that all of the wealth of JW's is tied in real estate....

HELL YEAH!

We'll turn it into an Assembly Hall, or sell it to Lady Gaga, who we are trying to start a study with.

We aren't needing the Jesus Juice, we are still working through Rutherfords stash and haven't made it to 1933 yet. (god he kept a lot of this stuff around...)

shamus100

Dear Glubberning Body,

I was wondering when the "new system"((tm) Watchtower Bible and Tract Society Corporation) comes, can I stone people to death when they screw up? Also, can I secretly get a boner while I do it?

Kindest Love,

Brother Closetcase.

P.S.... You look hot...

ATJeff Answers Letters from JW Readers

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