ATJeff Answers Letters from JW Readers

by AllTimeJeff 131 Replies latest jw friends

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  AllTimeJeff

  I want to get baptised but I mastrubate non-stop. Is it possible to get baptised although I am guilty of this terrible sin?

  Dear Gentle Reader

  Gross! At least you came up for air to type a question. Obviously, your eyesight is bad. Look at your spelling. Maybe carpal tunnel? See the horrible effects that spanking your monkey brings? (I noticed your avatar) Praise Yah for his wisdom. (just don't ask for a scripture that bans your puddin whacking...)

  Still, we will let you get baptized if you promise not to pork your own sausage while in the baptism pool. However, in your case, we do recommend that you wear a very loose bathing suit. No need to embarrass yourself ya know. And again, just don't tell anyone. Do you really think anyone takes us seriously anymore?
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  winstonchurchill

  Dear almighty GB,

  I enjoyed you article against birthdays. That's why I became a JW, to save a bunch of money by having this excellent excuse not to give presents. It almost makes up for all the money I have to throw at you guys.

  But I wonder if one of the big reasons for not celebrating b'days is not to give undue praise and relevance to mere humans... Is it apropriate to have all this posts devoted to Reniaa?

  Thanks for your wonderful work. No ne beats you at making people's life miserable.

  Sincerely,

  Stingy Elder
• 

  AllTimeJeff

  Dear almighty GB,

  I enjoyed you article against birthdays. That's why I became a JW, to save a bunch of money by having this excellent excuse not to give presents. It almost makes up for all the money I have to throw at you guys.

  But I wonder if one of the big reasons for not celebrating b'days is not to give undue praise and relevance to mere humans... Is it apropriate to have all this posts devoted to Reniaa?

  Thanks for your wonderful work. No ne beats you at making people's life miserable.

  Sincerely,

  Stingy Elder

  Dear Gentle Reader

  Excellent job at kissing @$$. You most definitely are an elder.

  We generally try to help save the sheeples $$ for donation by outlawing fun things to do. It's a family tradition!

  Say, can you help us track down this one they call Reinaa? She shouldn't be here, and we need a virgin to sacrifice at Krakatoa..... I think we can see how this can help all involved.

  And btw, how the hell did that troll get in THIS thread???
• 

  shamus100

  Dear GB,

  I tried to fix the faucet outside my garage, and it started making a hissing noise!

  Is this Satan? If so, how do I rid myself of him? I'm frightened!
• 

  AllTimeJeff

  Dear GB,

  I tried to fix the faucet outside my garage, and it started making a hissing noise!

  Is this Satan? If so, how do I rid myself of him? I'm frightened!

  Dear Gentle Reader

  As you know, we used to attribute all kinds of things to the great evil one, but that backfired too. Seems like too many people were blaming their mental illness on evil spirits, which made us look like wingnuts. (at least more so then usual.)

  It sounds like your faucet may need a washer, and a pipe wrench to turn the pipe clockwise. Turning the pipe clockwise will not only tighten the pipe, seal the leak, and get rid of the sound, but it is also a silent prayer to Yah, which will frighten away Satan.....

  Or you could just call a plummer you idiot!
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  AllTimeJeff

  Dear Gentle Readers

  The GB needs to get some work done. But please keep those letters coming. I (oops, we) will get to them ASAP

  Sincerely

  G Losch (er, I mean, The Governing Body of Yah Wit)
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  BorgHater

  Dear Wise and All-knowing Gibbering Body of Jehovah's Witlesses,

  Thank you so much for the recent Watchtower article 'Can you do more in Jehovah's Service? Why your best just isn't good enough.' I was feeling quite happy with the amount i was doing in the service, but as the article wisley pointed out, unless i am spending so much time in the ministry that my children are neglected and i have almost lost the will to live, it just isn't enough. I am now in a much more self-hating, anxious, exhausted, less dangerous state of mind. Thank you o mighty GB for making me see the error of my ways.

  Yours, B.R. Ainwashed

  Btw Jeff, these posts made me laugh so hard - especially the 'spanking the monkey' one, lol.

  BorgHater
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  shamus100

  Dear Glubberning Body,

  I would like to thank you for the Watchtower Article: Your Family Sucks! Why You Should Wish Evil Upon Your Non-Believing Siblings.

  At first, I wondered why my dear sister left the Christian Congregation of Jehovahs Witnesses. I nearly called her one night when I found out she was dying of cancer! After reading that article, I was so happy that I stayed true to Jehover.

  It ends up she made it, so I am applying more of the wonderful tips on making her feel like a pile of shit that I'd like to see rot at armageddon. Oh, and I've started drooling over houses of the unbelievers in field service to get my mind off my being a self-righteous assclown, as suggested.

  Yours,

  F. Dinkhead,

  Deep South, USA.
• 

  donny

  Dear Watchtower,

  My brother who is only 11 claims to be annointed. Is this possible?

  Your brother,

  Donny
• 

  AllTimeJeff

  Dear GENTILE Readers,

  Yes, more new light! Prior to this, you will see that we called all of you "GENTLE" readers. (which, you will have to admit, is as much credit as we have EVER given the sheeples)

  But while you may be GENTLE, you are also GENTILES, because you have not been circumcised by the holy spirit, like we have! (I gotta tell you, its great to be part of the faithful and discredited slave, er, the governing bod, er, G Losch...)

  So from now on, our responses will remind you that you have no holy spirit, we are better then you, and basically, it might be better if you were one of Jon and Kate's kids....

  Sincerely

  The Gov Bod of Yah's Wit