ATJeff Answers Letters from JW Readers (page 12)

AllTimeJeff

Dearest Brothers,

I was wondering how exactly I should wipe my nose... it appears that I require help in this area too, and think it would be a great new Awake! article. Also, it would probably be good to include the updated way of sneezing into the crook of one's elbow.

Thanks, and may the Sovergn Lord Jehovah continue to bless all your efforts in getting your readership up!

Dear Gentile Monkey

Did you know if you wrote letters to old people in nusing homes, you could count 10 hours a month and be a Ministerial Servant by now? Stop asking so many questions and start sucking up to the elders like a good little borg monkey.

Frankly, with all the downgradees in paper and printing quality we have put into place, we can't think of a better use for Awake then to sneeze into it, and see if the color bleeds into your jungle mucus. Don't sneeze too much, we don't want you to lose all of your brain.

Farkel

Dear Brother Manners,

Thank you for your kind and theocratic response to my problem with my doberman. When I informed him I could no longer continue with that practice, he bit me. Thankfully, the Doctors said he did not have rabies and I will be a good candidate for some new prosthetic fingers.

I have one final question. I noticed that my doberman really enjoys licking himself "down there." Will he still be able to do this in the new Paradise Earth(tm)? Will I?

Yours in Jehovah's Service,

Sleepless in Nebraska

AllTimeJeff

Dear Faithfilled and Diskrete Slave.

Could you please tell me why elders always screw the flock at the edge of a cliff?

BTS

Dear Burn my britches

It's the easiest place to dispose of the evidence. Welcome to Gehenna beeach!

While you won't find this technique in a WT, we did have the elders at their latest school write it down in #2 pencil, or invisible ink.

shamus100

Dear Faithful And Discreet Slave,

Why did you publsh my mastrubation letter in the recent Awake! complete with my name, congregation, congregations phone number, my home phone number, address, mothers maiden name, and social security number?

Strangely, nobody has mentioned anything to me - does this mean nobody is reading the Awake! magazines anymore?

Agape Love,

Shamus100

AllTimeJeff

Dear Brother Manners,

Thank you for your kind and theocratic response to my problem with my doberman. When I informed him I could no longer continue with that practice, he bit me. Thankfully, the Doctors said he did not have rabies and I will be a good candidate for some new prosthetic fingers.

I have one final question. I noticed that my doberman really enjoys licking himself "down there." Will he still be able to do this in the new Paradise Earth(tm)? Will I?

Yours in Jehovah's Service,

Sleepless in Nebraska

Dear Brother Sheeples

We were going to ask your elders if you were born in a barn, but that seems a moot point now. 2 elders in the Service Dept were concerned when your dobie "bit you", since the phrase "Bite me" is a homosexual invitation, one several elders here at Bethel frequently fight against.

In reply to your question, we looked at your age on your nearly empty service card and found that you were not exactly at a bendy age. One cannot hope for eternal youth in paradise earth in the hopes that they can orally gratify themselves. After all, dogs do it to clean themselves, bethel elders do it to, oh never mind.

We don't really think you will have to worry about finding out if the ability to bend in a manner as you suggest will happen in paradise. You will probably go down with your dog, no pun intended.

In the meantime, we have asked your elders to pay you an encouraging shepherding call, complete with the latest WT and stick figure drawings of bendy people in paradise. We are sure that the 2 elders, both of whom were appointed in 1972 and amazingly are still serving us loyally, will no doubt encourage you to a new spurt..... of activity... never mind.

AllTimeJeff

Dear Faithful And Discreet Slave,

Why did you publsh my mastrubation letter in the recent Awake! complete with my name, congregation, congregations phone number, my home phone number, address, mothers maiden name, and social security number?

Strangely, nobody has mentioned anything to me - does this mean nobody is reading the Awake! magazines anymore?

Agape Love,

Shamus100

Dear Brother 100

Because we get such a kick out of the fact that the guilt we engender in you and others cause people like you to tell us how they peel their bannanas. We feel others like you should get to know each other for wholesome association. Also, we have new elders appointed in your congregation, and they need practice on Judicial Committees. Tag, you're it!

BurnTheShips

Dear Burn my britches

It's the easiest place to dispose of the evidence. Welcome to Gehenna beeach!

While you won't find this technique in a WT, we did have the elders at their latest school write it down in #2 pencil, or invisible ink.

Thank you Jehovah for such wise brothers!

My congregation elder, Br. Ben Dover of Buggery, TX said it was because the edge of the cliff was the only place that the sheep "pushed back" against the screwing. I could not believe that the flock would rebel against Jehovah's Authority in this way. I will forward a copy of your response to him.

BTS

AllTimeJeff

Thank you Jehovah for such wise brothers!

My congregation elder, Br. Ben Dover of Buggery, TX said it was because the edge of the cliff was the only place that the sheep "pushed back" against the screwing. I could not believe that the flock would rebel against Jehovah's Authority in this way. I will forward a copy of your response to him.

Dear burn my britches

We constantly amaze ourselves at all the new wisdom we find. Sometimes, our wisdom is so cool we forget our old wisdom, even the wisdom we actually bothered to print.

elder-schmelder

Dear Faithful And Discreet Slave,

I am very well aware of the importance of praying before each meal. My question is, If I pray before my meal, and then I put the leftovers in the frige for a snack later, do I need to re-pray over this food. Is there a time limit before I have to re-pray over this food?

elder-schmelder

AllTimeJeff

Dear Faithful And Discreet Slave,

I am very well aware of the importance of praying before each meal. My question is, If I pray before my meal, and then I put the leftovers in the frige for a snack later, do I need to re-pray over this food. Is there a time limit before I have to re-pray over this food?

elder-schmelder

Dear Scmelder

Wow, we miss the good ol days when are elders were pissy, obedient, and less stupid then you.

We and the holy spirit favor adding no further burden to you except to worship idols and abstain from Britney Spears albums. Good health to you!

We feel the need correct your terminology; your food in such a case would be over pre-prayed food fractions. (aka leftovers) In doing this, the GB cannot set rules for you, however, we would like to direct your attention to the fact that your conscience needs to be trained by god. So here we go.

While we cannot set rules for you, it wouldn't make sense to have another member eat pre-prayed food that you prayed over and think they would benefit from it. Would it be proper for you to think you cannot pray over food someone else came over? What about food fractions? (aka leftovers) Can you partake over all of them? Some of them? One mature Christian with many years of loyal service may reason that Jehovah wants him to pray again over all the pre-prayed food fractions. Other immature snot nose Christians may reason that we are full of shit.

So its all about maturity, and if we find out you are a snot nose immature Christian, we will likely disfellowship you.

Good health to you!

ATJeff Answers Letters from JW Readers

Share this