ATJeff Answers Letters from JW Readers

by AllTimeJeff 131 Replies latest jw friends

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  AllTimeJeff

  Oh no, you found this??? :)

  Dear Glubberning Body,

  I was wondering when the "new system"((tm) Watchtower Bible and Tract Society Corporation) comes, can I stone people to death when they screw up? Also, can I secretly get a boner while I do it?

  Kindest Love,

  Brother Closetcase.

  P.S.... You look hot...

  Dear Gentile Closetbanger

  Currently, we believe that stoning can only be done with the cases of Old Milluakee Light that our Service Dept goes through each night. However, we can easily see "New Light", as in a new light beer that gives you both a boner and a desire to stone people who read any Watchtowers prior to 1995.

  Please keep in mind that if you choose to get a "secret boner" that you should avoid wearing tight fitting clothing. The bible clearly shows that sacred poles are not to handled and made the center of attention.

  PS: I am hot.
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  shamus100

  Dearest Governing Body,

  I found that Hare Krishnas provide a more meaningful explanation of the bible than you do. The 4:00 A.M. chanting soothes me.... should I disassosiate?

  Also, if I go, would you enjoy my used wal-mart suits? I only need to wear sheets now. (I am not interested in the ones from bethel that are heavily stained, just in case you were wanting to swap clothes...)

  Thanks,

  Dweebiedubbie.
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  palmtree67

  Dear Mighty Ones,

  I am 18 years old and was recently appointed as an MS. My family is a "royal family" in the congregation because my dad is Head Honcho Elder, my mom is Sister Regular Pioneer Who Is Never Seen in Service and my grandfather is the PO. I got my appointment in spite of the fact that I got caught twice smoking pot (Thanks, Daddy for the "private reproof"!!) and think I am God's gift to all the young sistahs.

  My problem is that, I think some in the congregation are onto me and don't feel I deserve the appointment. Is there some way that I can force them to respect and obey my every whim?

  Any advice is appreciated,

  Royal Son
• 

  AllTimeJeff

  Dearest Governing Body,

  I found that Hare Krishnas provide a more meaningful explanation of the bible than you do. The 4:00 A.M. chanting soothes me.... should I disassosiate?

  Also, if I go, would you enjoy my used wal-mart suits? I only need to wear sheets now. (I am not interested in the ones from bethel that are heavily stained, just in case you were wanting to swap clothes...)

  Thanks,

  Dweebiedubbie.

  Dear Gentile Dweeb

  The Governing Body has decided that Hairy Krishna's do not have the truth because they are hairy... (whispering.....) Oh. Never mind.

  We have no idea why you would believe Krishna's. They pull their explanations right out of their barely clothed @$$. We wear suits.

  But we digress. If chanting at 4:00 AM is something you are into, we would allow you to do your own chant, which can be arranged after some hot wings and beer. We guarantee you will be chanting SOMETHING at 4:00 AM.....

  If you want to exchange your clothing for your dirty nasty sheets, please leave them in the janitors closet at any Bethel. We love 20 year old polyester suite. Just make sure that they don't have any Awake magazines from 1995 and prior. Thats what we call a stained suit...
• 

  AllTimeJeff

  Dear Mighty Ones,

  I am 18 years old and was recently appointed as an MS. My family is a "royal family" in the congregation because my dad is Head Honcho Elder, my mom is Sister Regular Pioneer Who Is Never Seen in Service and my grandfather is the PO. I got my appointment in spite of the fact that I got caught twice smoking pot (Thanks, Daddy for the "private reproof"!!) and think I am God's gift to all the young sistahs.

  My problem is that, I think some in the congregation are onto me and don't feel I deserve the appointment. Is there some way that I can force them to respect and obey my every whim?

  Any advice is appreciated,

  Royal Son

  Dear Non Gentile Royal

  We can only thank Jeeehovah for the wisdom in appointing you as an MS. Frankly, we need those who have at least some experience in knowing grass, and knowing @$$.. However, you are 18, so the only gift you could possibly give the sistah's won't be evident till about 9 months from your first date.

  We find that in cases where you don't deserve any respect, you should by all means continue to kiss all the elders @$$, starting with your dad. Also, we hear that there is a pioneer with an amazing body. Here's a little known fact. If you both "do the Judah and Tamar", and don't confess for 3 years while holding onto your privileges, this would be considered proof that Jeeehovah has forgiven you, even though David didn't quite get away with it. Means you must be better then King David.. Congrats! You will be appointed an elder by the time you are 26, even though you committed fornication. No one will try jack shit with you then!
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  saywhat29

  Dear People who own my Dad,

  I'm an 18 year old elder's daughter. My dad has served you more than he has my family and now is a alcoholic and my mother weighs about 400 lbs. from eating her emotions. Anyway, I'm hot and I know it and when out in field service I bring all the boys to the yard and they say my presentation is better than y'alls. Now that I have come of age my family has become worried that i may steer the wrong path due to my recent growth spurt in my bust. Soon, I will be marrying a brother my father grew up with who is twice my age! How blessed I am to marry a man that has been serving jehovah for so long and can guide me in becoming even more spiritual! He is a widower, and I am glad to bring light into his life. His first wife, who was fatter than me of course, died from falling down the stairs and running into doorknobs too many times that her brain gave in one night.

  Anyway, I appreciated your recent Awake article, "Woman, Please Shut Hell Up! Jehovah Said So!" My fiance says his last wife was a talker and that I should mind that before we become one flesh. But how much is too much talking?

  Thanks,

  Sister Screwed
• 

  AllTimeJeff

  Dear People who own my Dad,

  I'm an 18 year old elder's daughter. My dad has served you more than he has my family and now is a alcoholic and my mother weighs about 400 lbs. from eating her emotions. Anyway, I'm hot and I know it and when out in field service I bring all the boys to the yard and they say my presentation is better than y'alls. Now that I have come of age my family has become worried that i may steer the wrong path due to my recent growth spurt in my bust. Soon, I will be marrying a brother my father grew up with who is twice my age! How blessed I am to marry a man that has been serving jehovah for so long and can guide me in becoming even more spiritual! He is a widower, and I am glad to bring light into his life. His first wife, who was fatter than me of course, died from falling down the stairs and running into doorknobs too many times that her brain gave in one night.

  Anyway, I appreciated your recent Awake article, "Woman, Please Shut Hell Up! Jehovah Said So!" My fiance says his last wife was a talker and that I should mind that before we become one flesh. But how much is too much talking?

  Thanks,

  Sister Screwed

  Dear Gentile Sista Screwed

  First of all, at least you are getting Screwed.. Oh wait, thats your name? A title? Ouch!

  Frankly, you should be glad you still have your parents. No wonder your dad drinks, and your mother grazes, its because of you!

  Actually, we don't know that, but do you think we're going to take responsibility for that train wreck of a family you belong to?

  I am glad that you enjoyed our article "Women, Shut the Hell Up! Jehovah Said So." We would like to direct your attention to paragraph 69 in that article, which states "We think women are like cattle, to be herded, and caught by an old man who will brand her, take her, and treat her like a delicate piece of filet mignon, to chew on slowly, and cook to a medium rare consistency." We mention this because frankly, for you to have the guts to even write us must mean that you have had your own fair share of intimate moments with door knobs.

  We suggest that before you start pissing off your husbandly master, that you get all of your talking over with. Or just take the batteries out of his hearing aid and put them in another bedside "appliance". Use it. It will relieve stress, and thats probably about all the action you can ever expect. Hell, you are Sister Screwed!
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  sir82

  dear bruddahs,

  A month or so ago, I wrote to you the following missive:

  Dear brothers,

  I recall reading in the Youth book that my chronic "self-abuse" habit would inevitably turn me into a stark raving pink-leotard-wearing homosexual.

  However, this has not been my experience. I am more attracted to women than ever before, although for some odd reason my marriage propsals are always rejected.

  I have noticed, though, that my vision is growing progressively worse, and the hair on my palms is notably thicker. This makes it far more difficult to underline the answers in my Watchtower.

  What advice can you give me?

  Since that time, my hands have become completely covered with fur, while my vision has been reduced to the level of legal blindness.

  I understand that you brothers are concerned with matters of vital, life-altering, earth-shattering importance, such as whether sisters interpreting talks into sign language should wear yarmulkes, but I respectfully plead for an answer soon, lest my fingers become competely useless fuzzy appendages and my vision deteroriates to the point where I need a seeing eye dog.

  Eternally yours in Jah's service,

  Sir82
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  bohm

  Dear GB,

  Praise Jah and his Governing Body for letting the light grow brighter on the witness ruling, surely this will be a great help!
  I and a few buddies of mine have used this oppertunity to change congregation because we felt there was more work to be done in for the young in the neighbouring congregation, Hallelujah!

  However at our new congregation we have run into a troublesome sister from our old congregation, who have been reinstated after being DF because she did not trust the holy spirit and instead listened to the demonic false memmories satan had implanted in her kids mind - you know how it is with 4 year olds!

  How should a christian handle this situation?

  With love,

  Brother Big Willie, etc.
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  brinjen

  Dear All-Mighty-Blubbering-Boobly

  Remember me? Still waiting for that in-the-closet MS to become appointed as an Elder... I have another question first though.

  I was just now drinking a glass of water. I find water refreshing and I love the feeling it gives me especially when I've been thirsty. It's almost erotic.

  I'd like to know.... what is the GB's view on water? Is there a limit to how much I should be drinking? What should be my view, as a christian of water? I'm asking because I've been drinking a fair amount with this hot weather we've been having lately and I don't want to miss out on the paradise earth because I've been a glutton.

  Regards,

  Sister Singletoolong