ATJeff Answers Letters from JW Readers

by AllTimeJeff 131 Replies latest jw friends

  • AllTimeJeff
    AllTimeJeff

    Since that time, my hands have become completely covered with fur, while my vision has been reduced to the level of legal blindness.

    I understand that you brothers are concerned with matters of vital, life-altering, earth-shattering importance, such as whether sisters interpreting talks into sign language should wear yarmulkes, but I respectfully plead for an answer soon, lest my fingers become competely useless fuzzy appendages and my vision deteroriates to the point where I need a seeing eye dog.

    Eternally yours in Jah's service,

    Sir82

    Dear Gentile 82

    Please accept our humble apologies for not getting back to you. Not only have we been asking Yah about head coverings, we were also asking Yah about head coverings. It takes all our time.

    You are in what we like to call a catch-82. You see, you need a woman, but most woman are not attracted to hairy wolves. (we must admit to knowing a few exceptions to that rule, but they are picky.)

    Try hanging out with Sistah's who illegally play werewolve games on the internet. These are role playing games. Because they try to find the wolves before the wolves eat them, they might make an exception, and let you eat them. But I digress.

    As far as your vision goes, we suggest that if you must have a whack at your tadpole, that you consider soft flourescent lighting and sunglasses. Also, stare at pictures in our Watchtower magazine where blind people are throwing away their glasses in the new system, because being blind, they can't see a damn thing with them anyway. Welcome to the future.

  • AllTimeJeff
    AllTimeJeff

    Dear GB,

    Praise Jah and his Governing Body for letting the light grow brighter on the witness ruling, surely this will be a great help!
    I and a few buddies of mine have used this oppertunity to change congregation because we felt there was more work to be done in for the young in the neighbouring congregation, Hallelujah!

    However at our new congregation we have run into a troublesome sister from our old congregation, who have been reinstated after being DF because she did not trust the holy spirit and instead listened to the demonic false memmories satan had implanted in her kids mind - you know how it is with 4 year olds!

    How should a christian handle this situation?

    With love,

    Brother Big Willie, etc.

    Dear Gentile Big Willie

    This 4 year old ranks pretty low on our set of priorities. It's good that you all know her, now you can ignore her in good conscience. We suggest that since she is a kid, and a female kid at that, that you start early, and teach her just how little she matters.

    If she says that she can't see the holy spirit in action by your actions, remind her that we can't really see Jehovah either, but we do what he says anyway. If she says that Jehovah doesn't do the talking, remind her that Jehovah talks to us, the Gov Bod of Yah's Wit, sometimes 1 at a time in a group of 10. It is always confusing, but makes for great, long Gub Bod meetings.

    We are glad to be able to do whatever it takes to save us money on lawsuits and such. Keep up the good work of drifting from congo to congo. Just don't get caught....

  • AllTimeJeff
    AllTimeJeff

    Dear All-Mighty-Blubbering-Boobly

    Remember me? Still waiting for that in-the-closet MS to become appointed as an Elder... I have another question first though.

    I was just now drinking a glass of water. I find water refreshing and I love the feeling it gives me especially when I've been thirsty. It's almost erotic.

    I'd like to know.... what is the GB's view on water? Is there a limit to how much I should be drinking? What should be my view, as a christian of water? I'm asking because I've been drinking a fair amount with this hot weather we've been having lately and I don't want to miss out on the paradise earth because I've been a glutton.

    Regards,

    Sister Singletoolong

    Dear Gentile Sista Singletoolong

    Here, have a glass of water. Have you ever listened to R Kelly?

    In your case, water seems to do great things to you, and we have about 2000 bethel brothers who are also thristy for a drink from your deep fountains. Please ignore the fact that they all have copies of "Priscilla - Drag Queens of the Desert"

    Fear not, like the holy spirit which gives us constant new light seemingly every year, there will never be an end to water, so long as Jah provides it. In your case, Jah does great things with water. Can you send a piccie?

  • shamus100
    shamus100

    Dearest Brothers,

    My cat has been acting strange... she keeps looking at the walls strangely, then runs around my house meowing and trying to play with me. I think that she may be posessed by beelzebubba, ruler of the deminz (sic). Also, I bought a second-hand pair of jeans... maybe the demons from the jeans came into the kitten?

    I don't know what to do... do you do exorcisms??? (sic)

    I'm going back to reading my botchtower (really really sick) now... please advise.

    Your Humble Servant,

    Shamus100

    P.S. LOVE THE NEW SONGBOOK! YOU GUYS F**KING ROCK!

  • AllTimeJeff
    AllTimeJeff

    Dearest Brothers,

    My cat has been acting strange... she keeps looking at the walls strangely, then runs around my house meowing and trying to play with me. I think that she may be posessed by beelzebubba, ruler of the deminz (sic). Also, I bought a second-hand pair of jeans... maybe the demons from the jeans came into the kitten?

    I don't know what to do... do you do exorcisms??? (sic)

    I'm going back to reading my botchtower (really really sick) now... please advise.

    Your Humble Servant,

    Shamus100

    P.S. LOVE THE NEW SONGBOOK! YOU GUYS F**KING ROCK!

    Dear Gentile Monkey

    By now, you should know that while we will never condemn garage sales for the sake of our pioneers, we really frown upon them if you aren't pioneering. You do know Rustlers cost $10 at KMart don't you? What kind of idiot buys jeans at a garage sale?

    Your cat is probably pissed that you bought 2nd hand jeans too. We don't think you have demons. We just think you are hopelessly stupid, a trait your cat and the Service Dept can easily pick up on. In short, we hate you. We would tell the elders to harrass you, but you'd probably like that.

    BTW, we are glad you like the newly revised cult lyrics in the songbook. Remember, Stay Awake, Stand Firm, Grow Mighty, But Don't Touch.

  • Farkel
    Farkel

    Dear Mr. Manners,

    I'm having a problem with masturbation. It all started out slowly and innocent enough, but it's become so bad lately that my doberman pinscher demands I do it to him all the time.

    What should I do?

    Sleepless in Nebraska

  • shamus100
  • AllTimeJeff
    AllTimeJeff

    Dear Mr. Manners,

    I'm having a problem with masturbation. It all started out slowly and innocent enough, but it's become so bad lately that my doberman pinscher demands I do it to him all the time.

    What should I do?

    Sleepless in Nebraska

    Dear Gentile Cornhusker

    We on the GB would have thought that if we did an article every month mentioning masturbation incessently, that we would eventually stop this practice. It seems to have had the opposite effect. Wonder why? However, it should comfort you that some of the friends have similar problems in Wyoming, Louisiana, and our brothers under ban seem to have problems keeping their self control with their camel and llama farms in Saudi Arabia. (where the work is banned and reports are incomplete)

    We suggest pulling an Old Yeller on your Dobie and just make cornhusking your own little party of one. Lately, we are trying to distance ourselves from JC's where animals are involved, because technically, we can't disfellowship the animal.

  • shamus100
    shamus100

    Dearest Brothers,

    I was wondering how exactly I should wipe my nose... it appears that I require help in this area too, and think it would be a great new Awake! article. Also, it would probably be good to include the updated way of sneezing into the crook of one's elbow.

    Thanks, and may the Sovergn Lord Jehovah continue to bless all your efforts in getting your readership up!

  • BurnTheShips
    BurnTheShips

    Dear Faithfilled and Diskrete Slave.

    Could you please tell me why elders always screw the flock at the edge of a cliff?

    BTS

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