I hate this cult... and how my dad abuses my mom

by Awakened at Gilead 85 Replies latest members private

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  Sunnygal41

  hon, my mom was married to an abusive drunk, but, at least he wasn't a brother. does your mom feel like she is in danger, spiritually, physically, emotionally? because even a jw sister has the right to leave a mate who is endangering her spirituality. my mom finally left my dad and an elder who was a dear friend and elder in our congo, and told her he was happy she had left my dad. my mom was a bit of a pariah for awhile in different congos, but, she is now accepted by most mainstream jw's. if i were you, and your mom, i would not put up with living with that b-----d for one more moment. i would immediately start making plans to find a place of my own, and if she can't do it now, then she needs to start saving money for it and LEAVE. but, SHE has to be ready for it, emotionally. i will pray for a good resolution for you and your family.

  terri
• 

  SPAZnik

  Lady Lee said: "they will tell the wife to be in submission and wait on Jehovah"

  This is true. It's the pat answer for everything.

  The elders wouldn't believe me that my ex had schizophrenia (that he had neglected to disclose to anyone in spite of the fact that the doctors and hospitals had CARTLOADS of case files on him) and that it was a relevant factor in our situation. I was expected to bow at his feet swiftly and meekly on EVERY matter REGARDLESS. The flaws of the male are irrelevant in their minds to what the response of the woman should always be. I was told that if I was more submissive everything would be better.

  They're a bunch of crazymakers on the stuff that does matter in life, and a bunch of micromanagers on the stuff that doesn't. Oh well. As far as I'm concerned, it was all for the best. Had they been reasonable, I might have stayed! (Perish the thought.)

  I finally ended up outgrowing the whole lot of them, making decisions for myself, and seeing them as a meaningless and worthless entity. :) And now that I'm out in ze big bad world, standing on my own two feet (okay, sometimes crawling on all fours haha), I'm better and better all the time at ACTING on my bullshit detector instead of being so self-destructively trusting and submissive.

  By the way, if any JW ever challenged me on leaving my spouse, I would say: Hey, Jehovah let it happen, it must have been His will. :)

  Oh, and when I was a dub and JW's challenged my sister's exit, I simply said: Only Jehovah is the reader of hearts.

  For what it's worth, there's some sort of poetic justice in leaving your enemies to deal with the problem you've been handling alone and criticized for for years on end. They usually don't last nearly as long as you have. Nor do they usually try anywhere near the amount of solutions you already have. (Ie. If/when your mom leaves, your step-dad will surely become a pain in the elder's ass or someone else's ass. He can only hide who he really is for so long under that kind of duress.)

  When my ex and I split, he went home to live with mommy. Mommy et al treated me like the sole and exclusive cause of any and all problems and like I wasn't worth the skin I was born in. Six months later, however, my ex was out on his ass. :O) I only laughed internally, but I gotta say, vindication feels GREAT. :)

  In the meantime, stay safe.
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  truthsetsonefree

  Lance, I am so glad your Mom is accepting you as you are. I see some of that same attitude taking hold in my Mom. As for that PO, he is following one of the lesser known and absolutely insane WT policies for elders. I don't blame you for being very pissed off.

  Isaac
• 

  Awakened at Gilead

  Update: I have been taking the steps that I can from afar...

  I contacted my JW elder fleshly brother, and asked him to intervene. He called my step-Dad last night and apparently his words have had some effect. My mom says that Kenny has been screaming at her less, although he continues to scream at her somewhat.

  My worldly aunt is going to call the PO and corroborate my story. I doubt that will have much effect, but perhaps, at least, he will ask my mom tomorrow. My mom said that she will not speak, but will respond if queried about it. So I hope that her $.02 will make him at least curious.

  My mom's Kangaroo court with 2 elders is tomorrow. I will keep everyone posted on the results...
• 

  Awakened at Gilead

  And thank you all for your sage suggestions. My mom has a backup plan in place if she needs to flee, and she knows that long term she can stay with me or her sister.
• 

  Nathan Natas

  A@G, this is a horrid situation.

  What I can't understand is why you are so persistently trying to use the broken tools at the Kingdom Hall instead of the sharp and effective secular tools that are almost guaranteed to produce positive results. If you want to get results, use the right tool for the job. All the elders are tools, but none of them are very sharp or appropriate tools.

  Your Mom should talk to her doctor or dentist or other medical profession as was recommended. You should not waste your time by calling the Asshole Kenny or his idiot elder friend. Call the elder abuse hot-line or talk to someone in law enforcement. One nice possible future for Kenny would be involuntary institutionalization so that Kenny can tell Napoleon, Caesar and Abraham Lincoln about how he plans to be Jesus' wife.

  The direct-action route is SO appealing for both Kenny and his elder buddy, but that isn't going to happen. End of topic.

  I think you might have been wrong when you said there was no sexual abuse. If Kenny is denying his wife her "marital due" when she is still interested in collecting such dues, that should qualify as abuse. Is he trying to force her into adultery? I can understand how she might not find Kenny especially desirable right now. What was he like when she married him?

  You didn't get to meet any Hell's Angels while you were in Gilead, did you?
• 

  dinah

  Being a victim of spouse abuse myself, I must say the nights when he beat me and let me sleep were better than the nights he screamed at me until 4 am and I had to be at work at 8:00. Also, sometimes the words that are said leave a scar worse than the blows.

  Let me guess.......he's calling her weak, stupid, old, ugly, stupid, weak, stupid......

  That PO should have his ass kicked even harder than the step-dad, IMHO. He's in a position of "authority" (ain't THAT funny) and choses to let a women be abused that make the god damned orgqanization look bad. I hate those *expletive deleted*

  Your Mom is gonna have to decide that she doesn't deserve this kind of treatment.
• 

  daniel-p

  All the elders are tools, but none of them are very sharp

  LOL!
• 

  yknot

  First...... effing weak Bastard!

  Second ..... flashbacks of my own childhood (the JWs must be magnets for this type of guy!)

  Third ....... Ditto Lady Lee, at the very least a womens crisis center can offer counseling to help your mom be confident in standing up for herself. Sadly as we all know once a verbal/emotional/spiritual abuser doesn't get the same results, he often times moves on to other forms of abuse.

  Fouth........ Use the WT against him, he won't be able to disagree or he will be an apostate too! (I use to do this with my EX-stepfather, it will only douse the flames but was very effective in the heat of his rage)

  Fifth....... Call up the WTS legal department, tell them of your complaint and the Elder's Dipshit's refusal to check into matters. Remind them how bad this will look if something does happen to your mother. Ask which reproach would be worse, the elders confronting/reproving Kenny or yet another media spotlight on how JW Elders didn't handle a situation and abuse was allowed, nay encouraged in the Kingdom Hall.

  *** jd chap. 9 pp.121-123 pars. 20-24 DealingWithOthers as God Desires * **

  20

  Malachi brings up a related aspect when pointing out Jehovah’s view of the treachery of some Jews toward their wives. "‘He has hated a divorcing,’ Jehovah the God of Israel has said; ‘and the one who with violence has covered over his garment.’" (Malachi 2:16) The Hebrew rendered "with violence has covered over his garment" has been variously understood. Some scholars take it to mean getting blood on one’s garment when violently attacking another. In any case, Malachi was plainly condemning spousal abuse. Yes, Malachi raised the issue of violence in a domestic context and showed that God disapproves of it.

  21

  Violence, physical or verbal, in the privacy of a Christian’s home is no more excusable than violence in public; God observes both. (Ecclesiastes 5:8) While Malachi referred to violence against a wife, nothing in the Bible makes violence less reprehensible if a man directs it against children or elderly parents. Nor is it excusable if a wife displays it toward her husband, children, or parents. Granted, in a family of imperfect humans, tensions may arise, causing irritation and sometimes anger. Still, the Bible advises us: "Be wrathful, and yet do not sin; let the sun not set with you in a provoked state."—Ephesians 4:26; 6:4; Psalm 4:4; Colossians 3:19.

  22

  Some may make excuses for their violent ways, saying, ‘I am this way because I grew up in a violent family,’ or ‘People from my area or culture are just more excitable, more explosive.’ However, when Micah condemned ‘rich men who had become full of violence,’ he did not suggest that they could not help it because they had grown up amid violence. (Micah 6:12) Noah lived when the earth was "filled with violence," and his sons grew up surrounded by it. Did they adopt violent ways? Hardly! "Noah found favor in the eyes of Jehovah," and his sons followed him and were preserved through the Flood.—Genesis 6:8, 11-13; Psalm 11:5.

  23

  Earth wide, Jehovah’s Witnesses are known, not for being violent, but for being peaceable. They respect and comply with Caesar’s laws against violent deeds. (Romans 13:1-4) They have worked "to beat their swords into plowshares," and they strive to pursue peace. (Isaiah 2:4) They endeavor to put on "the new personality," a help toward avoiding violence. (Ephesians 4:22-26) And they observe the fine example of Christian elders, who cannot be ‘smiters’ either in word or in deed.—1 Timothy 3:3; Titus 1:7.

  24

  Yes, we can—and must—deal with others as God desires. Hosea says: "Who is wise, that he may understand these things? Discreet, that he may know them? For the ways of Jehovah are upright, and the righteous are the ones who will walk in them."—Hosea 14:9.

  Sending love, good vibes and prayers to your mother!
• 

  JWdaughter

  She might be better off if she DA's. I say this because at that point, JWs are not supposed to have 'spiritual' discussions with her. She will be free of his rants regarding your 'spiritual' issues OR hers. It is no longer in his purview. Or she could just put some earplugs in, smile guilelessly and wait for him to have a heart attack while he is on a tear. And misplace her phone.

  Yes, I am dastardly, and my blood, too, is boiling on behalf of your mom. She may need to speak up for herself. If she is going to leave anyway, she should point out that in her 'spiritual weakness' being abused by that man is certainly not any kind of incentive for her to stay faithful to an organization that gives him spiritual authority over tender ones.

  I think it would be great if your mom started tucking her money aside and making ready an escape. With a man like that, she will probably have to fight to keep her finances since he is broke and irresponsible with his own. Let her know she can come to you at a moments notice. She might well need to do so.