Amen, Homerovah! I have done the best I can for my children NOT to experience these emotions. But my parents seemed to be completely and totally oblivious that my sister and I were suffering.
Is it possible for a child to be exposed to JWism and not be damaged by it?
by Mickey mouse 140 Replies latest jw experiences
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Junction-Guy
Even if there was some positive,legitimate benefit to being a JW, I wouldnt admit it on this board, because the negatives outweigh the positives in that Cult, and I don't want to give any sense of credibility to those who may be lurking here and contemplating joining the JW's.
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Lady Lee
Thanks Baba
I want to add something.
It is easy to recognize that a slap or the belt hurts. But it goes away. The physical part goes away. It is also easy to recognize that sexual abuse is bad and hurtful. The social service community, including the medical profession, psychologists, counsellors of various types, social workers etc. all recognize those physical acts as harmful to children. In the late 70s and early 80s these kinds of abuses were being well documented in academic literature.
But it took a few years longer for emotional and psychological abuse to be recognized for what it was. And a further few years to recognize that spiritual abuse even existed.
We now know that a child doesn't have to be hit to feel the pain of abuse. The threat of it is damaging as is watching it happen to somebody else. Children from homes where another child was beaten or a parent was beaten by the other parent bear deep emotional scars. And because it is harder to identify, the child witness often does not recognize the damage done. I know watching my father straddled over their bed with his hands around her throat laid a huge fear on me that I carried most of my life. When my JW husband said I should never want to see him get really angry at me the image of my parents on that bed came immediately to mind. I knew what really angry looked like and I NEVER wanted to get him that angry.
Spiritual abuse is no different than emotional or psychological abuse. It doesn't leave physical marks. There are no outwards scars. We are told the rules are for our own good and they come from God. What more powerful coercive tactic can anyone use to manipulate and control people?
The WTS uses every coercive, manipulative, lying, scheming thing it can to control JWs. We used to believe them. The really sad thing is that they still use these methods to control those still under their influence.
When I left in 85 I still believed them. For 10 years I was still under their control. You don't have to go to meetings to still be under their control.
I knew a man a few years ago who said he was an alcoholic who hadn't had a drink in over 25 years. But he was still under the influence. He gloried in telling his old drinking stories. Those were the "good times" In his behavior nothing had changed except he no longer drank alcohol. In his mind nothing had changed. He was is called "a dry drunk". They no longer use but they are still there in their heads.
People who leave the JWs and never get them out of their heads, never recognize the damage and see the WTS for what it really is are still in victim mode. And THAT is what drove my sister to substance abuse and eventual suicide. She knew she could never live up to the WT standards that our mother raised her with.
Sadly far too many people who leave the WTS carry deep scars - deep enough to commit suicide. It only took my sister 30 years to do it.
There have been a few on this board who, like me, walked away still believing. It took some years to see what had really happened to them and begin the healing process.
If what I have posted on this board helps just 1 person than I am all for telling my story. From many of your comments over the years I KNOW there has been a lot more than 1. So thank you for making the retelling worthwhile.
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quietlyleaving
lola
You know we really have to reasonable about this, it’s very hard for people who really hate something to be objective about it Comparing growing up as a witness to being abused is harsh and incredibly unfair, I’d dare say that the kid who gets his ass kicked by has dad would trade that in for some field service and a convention or five. Not everyone that grew up a witness is damaged goods, not everyone was sexually molested or endlessly bullied at school, why do some of you fail to see that? Just because it didn’t work for you doesn’t mean that it’s the same for others.
All we are doing is admitting to damage. No one is saying the damage is irreparable. Thats why we are here, to help one another and make suggestions about what steps to take to recover. Most have recovered a measure of health and well being. The first step of course is to admit to how we were affected. In sexual abuse and endless bullying there is always some damage but the damage may not show itself until the individual has children of their own, for example. But if you ask the individual they may deny that there is any damage as everyone quantifies these things differently. Conversely it can also be the case that a very severe upbringing brings out strengths and even genius but there is always some emotional baggage to cope with imo. I choose to see "damage" as a part of life and living and not be too hung up about it whilst still availing myself of any support mechanisms that may be available. And that is what I see xjws doing here.
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lola28
Lady Lee, here’s my problem, I “get” that children have been abused by their JW parents however saying that not having birthdays or holidays causes the same damage as sexual abuse, that’s a stretch, I really think that there could never be any comparison. My other major problem just has to do with fairness, yes the witnesses are misguided but the abuse thing is not universal, not every JW beats their kid or sexually molests them, it’s not as universal as reading this board makes it sound, in your case your number was up the second you were born, you just happened to have horrible parents who happened to be JW’s and by the sound of it really poor taste in men as well. Your problems go deeper than just having been raised a witness.
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Lady Lee
Lola
I'm not for one minute saying the two are the same. Clearly they aren't. Beating a child or sexually abusing them goes past what most people consider good parenting. By a long long way. It crosses all physical and sexual boundaries.
But that does not mean that spiritual abuse does not damage kids. Spiritual abuse crosses emotional, psychological and spiritual boundaries. And it is just plain wrong. Teaching kids not to play with the neighbor kids because they are all slatted for destruction is abusive. Have you read the stories here by people who suffered for years with nightmares about Armageddon. Thoughts of their schoolmates dying before their eyes. Thoughts that if they weren't good enough they would have a building fall on top of them. Or they would be thrown out of the family and the WTS.
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TheSilence
I would never compare my experience to someone who endured sexual abuse. That doesn't mean there was not abuse. I had nightmares into my early twenties that God was trying to kill me... chasing me with mudslides... you can't tell me that any indoctrination that would cause someone to have those kinds of nightmares *years* after they stopped attending meetings isn't abuse.
If a father threatened a child's life every single day... detailed how he would dismember him for getting a B instead of an A, for breaking the most insignificant rule... continuously beat it into his head in very explicit details how he would kill him, but never laid a finger on the child... that is abuse. That is what I grew up with.
Jackie
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Lady Lee
Jackie
Sometimes it is those invisible scars on the mind and soul that hold the greatest damage
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LeslieV
I do not believe anyone that is raised or has been exposed to a cult as a young child goes away unscathed by it. I know I removed my children at the ages of 14, 11, and 8. It took many years to erase the tape that was playing in their brains, as it was in my brain. When I got myself together I could then begin to help them. Loosing your family and friends is traumatic for adults, and it is just as traumatic if not more so for children.
I can tell you by bringing in the arts, sports, and the most important thing EDUCATION it is possible. My two oldest are in graduate school, and my youngest is in college as well. In the long run my JW family and their JW elder father staying away is what made the transition possible. I did not realize that by DF'ing me for apostacy it was a blessing for them. They all stayed away from my children....hurtful but beneficial to them in the long run. They all now view the JW religion as a cult.
Leslie
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Scarred for life
Congratulations to you, LeslieV. You are a very brave woman. I know you are proud of your daughters. They are going to be great because you have been honest and upfront with them. You are right about the education. That is the best way to purge yourself of the whole JW experience and move on.