The question is am I pissed at my parents, and absolutely. I don't necessarily blame them because they were both very broken people that lived a life of denial and found surety in a cult, but I can still be pissed. I am sad for them, but angry for me. I didn't deserve their crap to be heaped upon me. Their righteous indignation and egos can gtfo.
They ultimately destroyed our family. My mom confided in my wife that she doesn't want me to think she's a monster. Too late. I was there to see my dad one last time in hospice, and although in the moment it felt right it didn't shortly thereafter. My mom will have to die without two of her four kids by her side. I honestly feel like on some level she deserves that.
So I hold both compassion and contempt for them, but they chose their crazy and they had many, MANY chances to choose to rise up and do good things and they didn't. They ignored good counsel time and again. They drug us through a cult, through times where we didn't know where food was coming from, through their sick minds and lives, and I am indeed pissed.
Both were broken narcissists. They never truly cared about me or saw me. Even if my mom left the cult at this point I probably wouldn't have much to do with her. I'd help her through the process and if she changed then we could see what that meant but without that I don't see much chance of reconciliation.
I think I am angrier at my mom because she's the one that brought that crap cult into our house. She was the open minded intelligent one that shut all of that down for the easy path of certainty. She sold herself out, and us too.