Check out this letter

by unbeliever 85 Replies latest members private

• 

  wednesday

  gdt, the reason I wanted to scream is b/c this subject is close to all our hearts here. So many of us have been shunned by our parents, well there is just a lot of pain involved.Rejection hurts.

  I am not mad at u, and I apologize if I came across that way, I rarely flip out, but this subject is almost enough to do it. I have 2 boys, 2 wild arse boys. Whatever I told them to do, they were dead set to do the opposite. Kids often do things like that, kind of natural to rebel against what mom and dad say. All a part of growing up and becoming an adult. I made the same mistakes this mom (in the letter) is making, I drew a line in the sand. Well of course they are going to fight me for their rights as young adults. I wish I had come to my senses much sooner, b/c they have told me they often did things just to make me mad. Finally I wised up and decided I loved my boys no matter what. Nothing can make me stop loving them. I may not like some of the stuff they do, but I will not withhold my love and company and support or try and shame them b/c they choose a different lifestyle than I may personally .And u know what? My boys are still doing things that I'm not exactly happy about, but they are not criminals, they are not on drugs, and they have jobs and love other people as evidenced by their caring nature. I had literally driven my children into some of the things they were doing. I stop getting excited about stuff (Erma Bombeck, "don't sweat the small stuff" )and they stopped trying to prove to me they could prove me wrong. One of my sons is one of the kindest people u would ever want to know, the kind of person who takes in stray animals and helps the homeless. The other has given me grandchildren and I love them with all my heart. He is a good man. Neither of my boys are JWS and I have stopped attending long time ago. I am so much happier now that I don't judge people and look down on others. I just try and meet people where they are at and help others if I can. I was never like that as a JWS I was very judgemental and hard. I regret the years I wasted being like that.

  weds
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  Jez

  I keep thinking how my mother could've easily written this letter. Are all JW moms the same?

  Yes, Stinky, I too was thinking the whole way through that this letter is exactly the same as conversations I have had with my mother. I use to think that she was just a selfish woman, period, but now I am thinking it is not so much an individual personality trait, rather it is encouraged within the borg as a collective personality trait. It is not surprising that this could be any of our mothers as conformity is demanded and non-conformity or individuality is disallowed. "It's all about them" Jez
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  CinemaBlend

  Wow, this could SO be my mother.
  
  She's only now starting to realize that we are not going to go to meetings.
  
  I already got a somewhat similar letter... and fully expect to have something similar at some point down the road when the depths of my seperation from her cult become more apparent.
  
  Crazy. Maybe all JW mothers are the same?
• 

  steve2

  Remove the FOG* from the letter, and you can see clearly: There's nothing else being communicated.

  The mother must learn to communicate without using FOG if she ever hopes to convey her love for her daughter.

  *Fear, Obligation & Guilt
• 

  avishai

  I am very grateful that you allow us contact with your daughter but you have those conditions attached. Again you ask us not to share our beliefs with our grandchild

  OK, I'm gonna say it again. If your parents will not speak to you.... do not let them have any contact with your children, period. It's abusive. It sends mixed messages. It says " I can set myself up to be a martyr and it's OK" It says too many damn things to your your kids for me to even print here, just ask a shrink. It's basically the same as letting someone punch you in the face in front of your kids, OK? Plus, you risk letting your kids getting turned into dubs. Do any of you really want that? No matter how small the risk?
• 

  gdt

  wednesday... it was really nice to learn more of your situation, thank you. i too have 'boys' who sound much like yours, sometimes one feels like drowning them, (joking) but you and I would die for them if we had to, we seem much alike. however much we may appeal, beg, command, deny, give them everything, say nothing, etc., it is up to them, isn't it. I have re-read the mother's letter again and again, and if my daughter was as wilful, lied, disappointed me so much,i think i would have written such a letter and hoped for a 'sorry dad' answer, rather than an answer of rejection/condemnation. God did not alter the principle 'honor your mother and your father, that it may go well with you, etc.'

  Sorry, i cannot imagine Jesus Christ to be so 'forgiving', as to not say something, nor the rest of the bible writers. 'However, whilst remaining firm for what is right, we must also be balanced by principles such as Js.2:13 etc etc.

  Was it not Dr Spock in the US who apparently promoted the 'don't be forceful in discipline' attitude, and later rescinded that approach after he had contributed to a generation of wilful, delinquent, 'me' type of kids?

  Thank you for your response, please keep your mind and spirit open to various approaches, as i try to do too.

  Regards, gdt.
• 

  confusedjw

  gdt,

  I see your point with the letter from her mom. It is clear that the mother and father are deeply hurt and care so much for their daughter.

  I think that the defiance and anger which I have witnessed in similar situations comes from the cock-sure-we-are-right-and-God-approves-of-us-and-if-the-WT-says-shun-you-we-will-and-can't-you-see-the-judgement-in-my-eyes.

  It's not like a child can talk to their JW parents about doubts about the Bible, God or especially the WT or the "psuedo bible standards" (GDT, do you recall the WT a couple of years ago which had the school kids - only one not in jeans - and asked the question of who was dressing as a Christian?)

  So wrap that all together and the whole ball can get rejected with prejudice.

  The love that Jesus emphasized is in second place to so much. Love is so conditional. Why can't the parents decide to have a relationship with their daughter who is no threat to the organization or local congregation? If she comes back based on their reflection of Christ's love isn't that better then her returning via the blackmail of "we'll never talk to you again if you don't become a JW again"?

  Let's keep talking
• 

  wednesday

  gdt,

  I did not say I didn't advise my children and teach and discipline them.I did. There is that arragonce that JWS often display. No one can possibly raise a child unless they are a JWS. Of course people have been raising children for thousands of years before the WTS and seemed to manage, but JWS ignore that and feel that the only way to win their children over is by banishing them. (and they are losing them too) I just stopped using God to punish them and stopped threatning them with removing my love & presence if they didn't see it my way. I gave them unconditional love and they responded. I put them before a organized religion. I actually started following God's law of love and not the harsh methods the WTS uses. Anyway, my children responded. And thank goodness I wised up too and saw JWS for what they are, a controlling cult. Did I throw out the Bible when I stopped going to the Kingdom Hall? No,b/c JWS may have God's laws, but they do not have His spirit. They lack love, seriously.

  Anyway, as a fellow parent, I empathize with u. It is difficult , the teen years. welcome to the board.

  weds
• 

  unbeliever

  do not let them have any contact with your children, period.

  She supervises all the visits.
• 

  steve2

  Was it not Dr Spock in the US who apparently promoted the 'don't be forceful in discipline' attitude, and later rescinded that approach after he had contributed to a generation of wilful, delinquent, 'me' type of kids?

  Actually, Spock has been misrepresented on this: He did promote non-violence in raising children (i.e., no smacking/hitting/slapping etc of children) and believed that each child should be supported in their choice of interests and activities.

  Where he corrected himself was his relative failure to advocate other, non-violent means of "shaping" children's behaviour. We now beyond doubt that children tend to thrive in an environment where there are clear, consistent, non-violent and appropriate consequences for undesirable behaviour. Equally, the principle of positive reinforcement works well.

  This can be a complex topic and I fear I may have simplified the issues, but Spock was on the right track. He was among the first to seriously question the then "automatic" right of parents to use physical force as a first-line measure for the (abuse?) and discipline of children.