by eljefe 74 Replies latest jw friends
I think they took it to extremes. I remember being a 13 yoa baptized young man and going out in service. Turns out I was the only one at the arangement with the dangley bits and I was expected to take the arrangement. Here there were 5 pioneer sisters there ranging in age from 25 to 60, and I had to take the service arrangement? WTF?
Kwin
Before I continue with my experience, let me first say that my parents raised me well. Much of who they are and what they did had to do with their age and generation - they are now 87 born in 1917. My mom was the eldest of 12 and my dad the youngest of 13. My mom never worked outside the home and raised 4 children. My dad wanted dinner on the table at 5pm, and worked hard as a maintenance electrician. I think you can get my drift on this. My dad was also an elder for many, many years. They converted JW during/after WWII. My dad raised Catholic and left at 13. Mom was a generic protestant.
I was never allowed to use the word "no", ever. This set me up for future abuse from men and other authority figures.
I was raised to be a woman, a wife and subject to my husband's will. When I was about 14 or 15 my mom told me one day that "everything you say and do reflect on your father". Later, it was "everything you say and do reflect on your husband".
The congregation I was raised in was a good cong. by most standards. There was a lot of charity when a JW had financial problems. My parents were always picking up people for meetings or grocery shopping, etc. Or dropping of boxes of groceries, or getting together a private collection for heating oil or other bills. Other elders and MS did the same. If you have or can you gave and did for others.
When I got married at 18 and moved to my husbands congregation, I was hurt deeply. The people I had known much of my life and considered friends (through circuit assemblies and times when my dad would give talks at their hall) ignored and shunned me. Seems like I married into a weak JW family.
I also started seeing things in that cong. that were just not right. The shunning treatment of other "weak" members. Whereas in my old cong. the weak were always ministered to (not preached) and assisted in any way possible. The cliques, the holiday-timed drunken parties where all that was missing was the holiday decorations. No charity work. Hypocrites!
When my good JW husband's alcohlism developed further and he started abusing me, I went to the elders. What I was basically told was that I was his wife, the abuse was my fault, and that I was supposed to put up with it. Oh, yeah, and my husband was an evil man who inherited his evil from his dad (who died in a hit-and-run before I ever met him). But it was MY fault, and I had to take it. If I recall, (this was 28 years ago) I told them off when I left the back room. I also brought up the hypocricies and my experience with the elders with the CO. He backed them of course.
I faded during this time. I just couldn't hack the crap that was going on and the elders disillusioned superiority and distancing themselves from problems. I think I attended my last memorial in 1978 or 79.
I've recently met an ex-JW who knew that congregation and she said something like "Oh, you were in THAT congregation with elder So-N-So! No wonder you had problems. Yeah but I knew elder So-N-So all my life and he supposedly respected my dad. Yeah, right. A lowly girl like me expecting respect.
I did divorce my alcoholic voilent husband a few years later. It took me attempting suicide by 44 magnum before I realized that this Marriage until Death thing was bullshit.
I had problems with men and being victimized for many years.
I finally got clean and sober in 1990 from my own alcoholism (inherited from my birthmother - I was adopted and for the better) and began learning to not be a victim nor tolerate the abuse. I learned how to not only pronounce the word NO but to use it and back it up. I learned that I don't have to be around abusive people. It's taken most of that 28 years to get here.
Do I blame my parents? Only a little, and only the JW stuff. They are good, kind people. Do I blame JW's? In general, no. I blame people who have take their authority and abused it aggregiously. Unfortunately, this seems to be not just human nature, but the way of many of the JW's and congregations today. So much of it has come down from and reinforced by the WTBTS and their "servants". I do blame them.
I'll put away my soapbox now.
Peace
Brenda
It had nothing whatsoever to do with my decision to leave. I think women should be put in their proper place.
????? Hmmm what exactly does that mean? I think it means you are easy to wind up...
ElJefe, in regards to this thread and your attitudes, your name sez it all.
Peace
Brenda
Yes, it was that bad.
Forget the way I was treated when I worked my ass off on assembly halls and KH building sites (I was not one of the girls who showed up in her sunday finest to flirt and serve doughnuts to the workers, I needed the construction helmet that I wore) forget how one elders 13 year old kid was put in my place because he was male even though he didn't have any idea what the hell he was doing. He had a p*n*s: he was better than me.
Forget all that for a moment, and realize that the words that will still make me angrier than a hornet and sick to my stomach are "You need to be a better wife, and pray more."
Yeah, that really stopped the abuse. Thanks, Brother Dip****.
Yes, it was, and IS that bad and I do not ever want to be a part again of any organization that is set up to condone and further the abuse of women and children. Period.
~essie
when I realize it was a bad thing to be a woman and a JW was when I kicked my 2nd husband out of the house. The brothers would not even speak to me without him in my presense. I no longer had value as an individual, but only as an extention of him and they could even only speak to me, if he gave them permission and in his presense..
it mattered not that he was making me feel suicidal and I was afraid of him hurting me..
"Being a JW Woman - Was It Really That Bad?"
Yep. It sucked. BIG time.
Did it suck being an elder, too, Eljefe?
interesting post....
As a man; my perspective may be skewed. But the way I see it; in the year 2004; women are a professional equal to men; in just about every profession. Women are the breadwinners in many households; there are more college educated career women now more than any other period in recorded history. Women have equal rights as men; they are in fact; "working equals". The glass ceiling; if not broken---will be very shortly.
How can any woman subject hereself to those JW ancient subservient "woman -as- chattel" beliefs?
I never thought it bothered me but your question made me think about it. And actually, many aspects of being a female in the org did bother me very much. Women who were excellent speakers or readers could not give readings or read the Watchtower or give direct talks in the school. That annoyed me.
The headcovering bs annoyed me because the hair is supposed to be a sort of headcovering, isn't it? Regardless, I cover my head for no one.
Subjection to my husband was completely out of the question, from day one. So maybe that's why that didn't work out.
And of course whenever certain brothers would make a point of my/our supposed "subjection" to them, it made me sick. But generally, other than the overall "arrangement" that we believed was scriptural, the brothers were great, imo.
My JW mother was a single parent... that caused all sorts of problems in the organization. She spoke her mind and she had no "head" for the elders to tell to reign in your wife... she was the head of the household being the single mother. She got into hot water all the time for being outspoken. It's hilarious that she is still that devout JW though.
And the headcovering issue is sooo ridiculous. On Monday morning when we had our service meeting and all us pioneers were going to go out in service, we waited that extra 5 mins for a "brother" to show up and then someone would put the doily or scarf or whatever on their head and get us prepared.
