What have been some of the funniest local needs talks that you have heard?

by DaPriest 62 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

  • Dunedain

    I remember a local needs talk, directed towards some teenagers in the cong who were found out to be playing with paintball guns, and organizing games on the weekends. The Elder who gave the talk, was an AVID sports hunter. He had a "trophy" room in his home, full of stuffed bears, geese, raccoons, and pheasants, and many other innocent animals he fired LIVE BULLETS AT. BUT no, it was more important for him to tell the witness kids not to fire balls of paint at each other, and humiliate them, shaming them into guilt.

    I also remember another local needs talk, that further harassed the children, and shamed them. It was about the "horrors" of heavy metal music they were listening to. I remember the brother saying, "Yes there is even a song out glorifying the eating of cancer".

    This idiot was referencing the Nirvana song that said, "I wish I could eat your cancer, when you turn black". Lol, what a f@#$ing clown the Elder was. You just gotta shake your head.

    Another younger, late 20 something Elder, gave a local needs to make sure the kids weren't reading superhero comics. He said that superheroes like Superman, and others, were actually demonic characters like Hercules, and the Nephilim. Another f@#ing genius.

    Also, once had some hard assed CO say that the bros shouldn't watch and get into football. Needless to say, a lot of brothers thought that was wrong, and the CO shouldnt have said that, and had no right to. Funny how certain "rules" are picked and chosen to be listened to, while others are not.

    I remember a local needs about how all the young children, toddlers, and infants, were making TOO MUCH noise during the meetings, and disrupting the valuable, spiritual food from being heard. There were a lot of younger married couples with young children. At the next meeting, there in turn, was a ton of Mothers in the back rooms of the Hall with their crying children, so they would no longer "disrupt" the meetings. Then a few weeks later, there was another local needs talk, but this time about "all the people, especially children, clogging up the back rooms", lol.

    These people couldn't win, so some felt their only option was to then keep their young children home. The Borg wonders why the cant keep people in this organization. Its because of stupidity like that. The older asshole MEN in charge, for some reason, think that young babies, and toddlers, should sit thru 2 hour meetings, without so much as a peep, and if for some reason they make a sound, the kids should be "beaten" into submission, so that a 2 year old will sit still for 2 hours straight, while a 45 year old Elder debates that 607 and 1914 are special years.

  • Lostandfound

    On all the football prohibition announcements, I read somewhere that Knorr had a season ticket for the (I think) Brooklyn Yankees, this side of pond team names mean nothing.

    We always had Special items dealing with Fire Escape Practise, a joy for the elderly, rushed out of hall in freezing cold while attendants took forever looking for the imaginary fire. We were ordered to leave Hall before the infirm and wheelchair users, as we could get out quick , while elderly ones we couldn't help, burnt to death, as they struggled to get to a fire exit and out without help, a serious sin if anyone did help. Mentioned by name from stage as causing a danger to others, when in reality the trash elders poured out was extremely poisonous .

  • sir82

    Had a local needs talk that sisters MUST wear pantyhose while engaged in the field ministry, doesn't matter how hot it is.

    Very nearly had a pitchforks-and-torches protest after that one.

    It was never enforced - the talk really was just the neanderthal opinion of the guy giving the talk.

  • WTWizard

    I heard one where people needed to obey the speed limit, no matter what. No mention of waiting 10 seconds at a stop sign (doing a full stop, and waiting only until it is safe to proceed is much better), but they were insistent on obeying the speed limit. That was when it was 55 MPH through the whole country. This scumbag made an example--the speed limit is 55 (it used to be 70 or even 75, on highways designed for a 120 or 130 km/h speed). You feel like doing 65. So, you compromise and do 60--not acceptable (even if the speed of traffic was closer to 80).

    Yet, how many do the speed limit when out in field circus? I have seen hounders doing 65 and 70 in 55 zones, and north of 40 in a 30. Fine, if the speed of traffic is about that speed. What I do have something against is the hypocrisy, plus encouraging people to be obstructions in traffic. If everyone else is doing 80 MPH and you are doing 55 (and it is safe to do 80 on that highway at that time), you are more a hazard than if you are doing 80, or even 85 or 90. Just beware that, if you are going 80, things will happen at 80 and you need to make decisions at that speed or you might end up missing your turn and hitting the "Exit" sign instead.

  • Barrold Bonds
    Barrold Bonds

    The football thing has been around for ages. It's been mentioned at assemblies, KM schools, it's even sorta mentioned in the Keep Yourselves in God's Love book. It's one of those things that everyone sees and acknowledges but quietly ignores. Hell, some of the best Super Bowl parties I went to were at Bethel in Bethel Elder's apartments.

  • mr_doubtful

    We had a local needs about how fast we drive coming down the Kingdom Hall driveway. We should only be going 5 mph! The brother then proceeded to say how he timed it and at 5 mph it should take us about 4 minutes to drive down the driveway.

    I make sure to go 6 mph now. Real BA over here.

  • AllTimeJeff

    The CO had a Needs of the Circuit and walked out with a large cowboy hat. Like a 10 gallon thing. He said "Sure, there is nothing unscriptural about hats. It's my right to where a hat. But is sure is distracting isn't it."

    Needless to say, the small but growing amount of men in the audience with beards didn't appreciate their facial hair likened to Yosemite Sam's fashion choices.

  • Cadellin

    We had one brilliant DO at a circuit local needs go on about modest dress for women and say that sisters should follow the example of the women shown in the Society's publications. Then he added--and I kid you not--that he didn't mean the modern pictures but the ones from ancient Israel, where they were in long loose garb. Seriously. I think he had money invested in international burqa production.

  • berrygerry

    He spoke about the time law enforcement went on strike(can not remember the city or country) but people went nuts, running stop lights.

    Expounded in multiple WT's and Awake's

    How Do You View Authority?
    ONE morning in October 1969, the city police in Montreal, Canada, instead of reporting for duty, went to an arena to discuss strike tactics. How would the people of the city react to this sudden absence of police authority? As anticipated, rioting and looting broke out at the hand of thugs, militant students and other opportunists. But what about the ordinary citizen, the person who might be one’s next-door neighbor? An eyewitness reported:
    “I don’t mean hoodlums and habitual lawbreakers, I mean just plain people committed offenses
  • James Mixon
    James Mixon

    Thanks berrygerry: I Thought it was Canada. This is why I love this place, no BS here you better have your facts correct. When the new ones come here and read our comments they can't say it's all lies. Sometimes I think did I make this sh--t up, thanks to you berry it prove some crazy stuff come out of the mouth of the glorious ones..LOL

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