What have been some of the funniest local needs talks that you have heard? (page 5)

Bugbear

Yes I do remember a fellow elderly brothers of mine, who were forced to have a speech in the late 80 ties about the danger of internet. He said that the younger ones shouldn’t at all use computers to assemble facts. It was too dangerous, and they were only one click away from, porn, bad games and other facts that that could reduce their interest in the real truth….This brother was at the time the only brother among the board of elders that had any idea of what internet was. He was picked to have the speech but I could clearly see that he didn´t like what he was saying. Today he is unfortunately dead…

wannaexit

There was a local needs parts directed at the sisters that didn't shave their armpits and legs. :(

Muddy Waters

Remembered another one... We had a family in our hall who had lots of kids, they were two blended families, he had four she had four (or something like that), making eight kids altogether!! They were almost always late for meetings, and we kept getting Local Needs talks about the importance of punctuality, the importance of appreciating our spiritual food, etc.

When this family kept being late, the brothers really stepped it up, soon the Local Needs talks became more strident, more extreme. "Brothers and Sisters, are we showing by our actions that we truly appreciate being at Jehovah"s house, increasing our efforts at being on time for his spiritual banquet..? (read scripture about how good and pleasant it is to dwell with brothers in unity, blah blah blah, from Psalms 133:1)... "Do we not know that if we are late for meetings, it shows that we are thinking more of ourselves than is necessary..? Yes, dear brothers and sisters, it means we are PUTTING OURSELVES ABOVE GOD. We are saying we are more important that he is, that our time is more valuable than his. We are, in effect, WORSHIPPING OURSELVES!!" -- (Insert crazy laugh: bwhahahaha! If only they knew!! Bwhahahaha!! Idiots!!! Anyway... back to narrative...) -- "Yes, consistently being late for our meetings can show that we have a weakness in our spiritual armour.... even a possible defect in our personality...What things can we do to overcome this weakness? If you have children, could they perhaps blah blah blah..." On and on it went. I felt so bad for that family.

NewYork44M

While in the process of fading we moved to a new state and attended a new hall. It was a struggle to get to the hall on time, so we came in late and sat in the library not to cause a disruption.

The first local needs part was about coming in late and sitting in the library. That was never a problem again because I did not go back to the hall. Thanks for the great welcome a##hole.

compound complex

For unmarried couples: any sexual activity, although you are both fully clothed, is still unlawful sex and makes you liable to judicial action.

joe134cd

This wasn't a local needs. This was a written letter read out in the announcements. This was a few years ago when bloodless surgery was in its infancy. There was a brother I knew who some how managed to get in touch with one of the top physicians in this field in the usa. The physician agreed to visit this country and give a talk. Wt found out about it and shut him down, with a letter read out from the platform. I felt so sorry for this brother as he really thought he was doing the right and best thing. Would of been absolutly fantastic in understanding bloodless surgery, and the surgeon was literally doing it for nothing.

James Mixon

I posted this a couple of times but I was thinking why the brother (elderly brother late 70's-80's) didn't say , do not lie with a woman when she is unclean". The brother said "do not lie with a women when she is masturbating, he meant to say menstruating. Today I guess if he had said unclean, some my wonder did she need a bath or something. But when he said that and I was new I thought WTH, you could have heard a hair drop...

Life is to short 2

The football thing has always been around, yet when we were at Bethel Dan Sydlik coached the young brothers when they played.

It all depends on who has more power.

LITS

GuyHarrison

The worst one that I have heard was in Phuket Thailand, in English. Some fat bastard cut through half way the local needs part telling parents that they should take their children to the toilets and that some countries don't punish child molosters enough. I don't know if there is a child molestation problem in that location, but I one would imagine that there would have been some strange goings on in the toilets at that hall.

zeb

"he counted an excessive number of shoes in the sister's closet." what was he doing in the sis bed room? Did he count her knickers too?

I recall some sort of announcement about not having sex during the menstrual period. Where I was sitting I could see a lot of faces screw up at this.. I thought who the hell dreamed that one up?

My wife in freezing weather was told not to wear an ankle length skirt as it was 'worldly'. The others wore knee length and then wrapped themselves in football blankets. Years later we knew a young sis who told us when she wore ankle length she had track pants on underneath. (Hey! go girl!

What have been some of the funniest local needs talks that you have heard?

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