It's very comforting and affirming to read everyone's stories.
I felt like I was going slightly insane during the first year or two of waking up - sifting through the dark pangs in my heart and the rotten feeling in my stomach when I went to meetings - some of me still 'in love' with the idea of being with God's only true people, and a growing part of me wildly rejecting the unsound, unhealthy articles and statements in the publications, the reflection of these in the words of the 'friends' - and the misery of realising there was no room for honest discussion.....
I used to love field service - I felt for the people and actually had great exchanges with random folk we met - when it really hit me that I had distributed literature that contained blatant error and articles claiming false knowledge and I actually 'confessed' it to myself....I seriously couldn't do another minute of 'field'.
My observations and experiences over the years made me really ask myself - could I really convince someone that 'God is truly amongst you prople'
A signature of 'Satan' ( if you are a believer in it/him) is deception and lies, false prophecy. But he can also appear as 'an angel of light' - Inbetween what appeared to be the 'good' stuff such as a worldwide brotherhood - we had a history of truly awful misrepresentations.
And behind the nice smiles and excellent grooming of the congregations, the carefully modulated speech and practiced interactions - were behaviours that would shake the average decent person. And these behaviours were not in the minority.
A friend said to me 'but people are people everywhere, even in the Christian congregation' - OK, so if we can't stand out as being 'God's specially chosen people' by our behaviour and words because we are imperfect - (and we know about JWs when you lift the veil) then surely an impeccable record of solid truth and clear indication that God is speaking directly to the writers and interpreters - the guardians of doctrine. I mean, this is all meant to be urgent right?
There are many, many lovely people amongst the JWS - so many I have loved and still love - but I couldn't stand our claiming to be the only true people deserving of salvation. It made no sense.