I haven't yet read any of the literature (which would have been called apostate literature in JW terms) yet. I'm not sure if part of me is still afraid because of all the counsel that we received while being a JW that it was like going into this unknown scary dangerous places where unmentionable tactics would be used to 'brainwash' you and twist your mind into believing it isn't the truth. Like once you step there, it is like quicksand and you can't get out, eventually pulling you to your 'death'... I have no doubts about my feelings and choices of stopping, but I keep thinking I need to find out for myself what I believe. As if literature that is anti jw will also lead me in a direction as well. I know this doesn't make sense, but from feeling like I was brainwashed into thinking one direction for so long, I think I am afraid of being pulled in a opposite direction by someone else. Like I need to use my brain on my own for the first time. And yet then I think, this is crazy, how in the world am I going to figure it all out 'in my head' if I don't do the research. I feel right now like I am on unstable ground not sure where to go. I don't want to go back, but not sure how to go forward and who to trust. I can't even pray any more even though I do still believe in God. I feel like I am in limbo and space and not sure where to turn and not have the floor fall out from under me.
Did anyone else feel that way? Is there something wrong with me?