Im sick of my life
Hey Black Wolf, I can relate to how you feel.
You know what I've told you in the past. Put your life plan together. This is a temporary situation you're in until you become an adult.
Maybe put a vision board together and keep it in your room to remind you every day what your dreams are and that you are going to go for them. You said you want to go to College... well you know what I'm going to say. Just Do It!
Is it possible for you to get a part-time job? That's what I did. I baby sat and worked in town at the variety store and later the grocery store. I got too busy with life things.
When my Mom pushed me to go out in Field Circus, I asked her to show me the scriptures that specifically mention handing out Watchtower and Awake! magazines as the definition of 'works'. She could not and it ticked her off.
As for getting baptized, she actually felt we needed to be adults and used Jesus as the example. He was a grown man before be got baptized. Maybe you could use this.
Concentrate heavily in your secular studies; do the very best you can at it. Try hard to enlist a school counselor that will help you get financial help in order to enroll in a college away from home; tell them how your parents will never help you to grow academically because their religious indoctrination and that you need a lot of outside help to succeed.
Strengthen your non-jw relationships at school, even at perhaps a part-time job you might have; be careful not to associate with kids that will lead you down the smoking, drug using, promiscuous behavior path. Start paving your way out, slowly but surely. Education is power.
I dream of becoming an artist or a professional horseback rider one day because art and horses are the only things that really make me happy but I feel like that will never happen because I'm so afraid. My worst fear is that my parents are going to shun me when I leave and quit going to meetings like they did to my aunt who was only an unbaptized publisher like me.
Have you talked to them about that?
And as you mentioned you are 16 and home schooled. I can't imagine completing your course work at 16 and that's it? No more schooling or do I have that wrong?
If your finishing up it's the perfect time to reconnect with public school. You need to talk to a school counselor and find out what else, subject wise, you need and if you can enroll in the High School after you take a test to see which grade you would start with. If you are planing college, if only a two year Community College, you don't want to have to do remedial work to catch up. So that is why you need to call a school and ask for someone that can tell you where you stand educationally.
Are there school bus's in your area? That would end your isolation.
Can you get in touch with your shunned Aunt and see what she has to say? Would she take you in if things go bad? Is there any reason you have to shun her? Neither of you are Baptised.
I've noted your love of horses..... that should be the type of thing you could find a part time job with. My daughter in law owns a horse farm. Its a lot of work. She has a young 16 year old girl who works for her part time in exchange for free riding privileges. Does that sound like something you would love to do?
I think you have reached somewhat of a breaking point, you sound fragile or at least stressed and I don't think you can or should hide this from Mom and Dad. There has to be balance in your life. They enjoy being JW's and you want to enjoy some of the good things in your life. Don't trade anything for Baptism. Do what you can with meetings, and a little field service to keep things level at home.
Thanks everybody for your advice. :) I know going back to public school would probably help me but its simply not possible. I tried high school for a few months but my parents took me out for having too many "worldly" friends. They aren't ever going to let me go back. About a year ago ( after they took me out of school) I had a major mental breakdown and spent several months in a eating disorder clinic and went to the mental hospital a few times for self harming. Since then my parents don't really trust me anymore. :(
I tried high school for a few months but my parents took me out for having too many "worldly" friends.-BlackWolf
Your parents were being controlling when they did this and no wonder it caused the next sequence of events. You are being abused, and I am very concerned for you.
I hope staying this isolated doesn't cause you any more mental issues. You need human contact and friends and fun.
BlackWolf, I just had a thought - understanding that you just can't get out that much - have you heard of Coursera?
Look it up - it's a site that has many, many courses from universities all over the world. You can take them, for free. Of course, you won't get a 'credit' , BUT you can get a head-start on your higher education and learn a lot about fields you are interested in. Check it out! It can give you some hope for future endeavours, and help with the boredom. xx : )
Talesin, Coursera sounds great. Maybe some of that could be done during the meetings to help relieve the boredom and frustration. Not sure if that would work but maybe.
Black Wolf, I love art and horses too. Have you done any work on your art portfolio?
I also like talesin's idea. There are many courses and videos online for free that are educational. Use them.
Hang in there.
What might be therapeutic is to make a list of goals and start working towards them, even if all you can do is get organized for when you leave.
Coursera is excellent.
Try Codecademy.com also. It is an excellent tool for learning programming.
Programming skills, although not exciting, can be learned at home and for entry level positions often don't require a degree, only a demonstration of skill.
You can even gain experience at home by doing websites or other programming work for people in the congregation. Use them to accomplish your goals.
Your parents would also be likely thrown off the scent and encourage this new interest.
That's great Cappytan! Another solid idea. I know a lot of the young ones in our area go into entry level IT jobs with a high school education. This would be a great way to build up a skill and then get a job that may allow you to move out when you're old enough and support yourself while you continue your education in some form or fashion.