I come to you with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes.
Tuesday 27th May 2003 at 12.30 am, I misscarried my first baby. I was 9 weeks pregnant. This experience is something I never want to go through again.
I will try and explain to you how it was for me.
It all started on Sunday. I went to the toliet and noticed that there was a little blood (sorry for the gross description but I feel I need to get this off my chest). I told Rick and we decided that I would take it easy and if it got heavier that I would go to the ER. Well it settled down and Monday morning was all gone.
I went to work with all being fine or so I thought. I went to the toliet at 11.30am and I was bleeding again. I straight away rang my doctor who said to go straight over to her and she saw me as soon as I walked in the door.
She did an examination and told me that because I had no pain it was probably a good sign and that it was most likely to be the placenta embedding itself as this usually happens at 9 weeks. She ordered me to 3 days complete bed rest and to also go for an ultrasound the next day (tuesday). As you all could imagine, I was pretty distressed by this time. I went home and got straight into bed (after booking an ultrasound for Tuesday at 12.10)
Rick came home from work about 6 pm. I had noticed that the bleeding had got stronger. I told Rick of my fears that I had already lost the baby and he was being very positive and supportive, saying that every thing was going to be ok.
About 9.30pm I started to feel pain in my lower abdomen. Not strong, just like a period pain. About 10.30 before we went to bed, I went to the toliet and noticed that I now had clotting. I knew for sure that I had lost our baby. I told Rick that he should resign to the fact that the baby had died. We got into bed and I just cried and cried. My first baby had died and only at 9 weeks. What had I done wrong?? Why did my baby die?? Those questions went through and still go through my mind.
We fell asleep about 11.30 and I was awoken with really servere pains. I went to the toliet and caught my baby in my hand as it came out of me. My body was pushing but I was trying so hard not to because I knew that it was pushing my baby out and I just didnt want that to happen. But I had no choice, my body wanted that baby out so out it come into my hand. I just held it in my hand and cried. I did the only thing I could think of, I flushed my baby down the toliet. I hate the feeling I have inside of me for doing that.
I then called Rick in to turn on the shower as I felt like I needed to be clean. All this time I was have really strong contractions, my legs kept collapsing under me. I then felt the strong urge to push again and out came the tiny placenta. I showed Rick the placenta and he just cried. I then got out of the shower and climbed back into bed.
My mother had disowned me because of me sleeping with Rick before we were married but I just needed to talk to her, and hear her advice. Mum had had a misscarriage before she had me, I knew that she would help. So with a shaking hand, not knowing if mum would talk to me or not, I dialed her number. She was fantastic. She told me to go straight to the hospital and that they would help me.
So at 1am, off we go to the hospital. I was still bleeding heavily and have strong contractions. They saw me straight away, and got laid down. They gave me some morphine for the pain and fed a drip of fluid into my arm.
About an hour later, the doctor came and saw me. He had to do an internal examination and remove clots and the rest of the baby. Even tho I knew the baby had died, when they told me, I cried again. The doctor told us that I needed to have an ultrasound that day and to come back and not to eat anything incase I had to have a D&C.
We finally left the hospital at 5am and got a couple of hours sleep before the kids woke up. Luckily we have my cousin staying with us so she was here to look after them.
The kids (my stepchildren) were very upset when we told them but they are coming through fine.
My mum had called my mobile at 3am to see how I was so I called her as soon as we got home at 5am. She answered the phone on the first ring which told me that she was sleeping on the phone. That gave me such a warm feeling, even tho she had disowned me, I know that she still loves me and its the stupid borg that is keeping her away.
Mum sent Rick and I a bunch of flowers from the family which was a lovely thought.
So at 12.00 noon, I went to the ultrasound. This was hard because in 3 weeks I could have been going to see our baby for the first time, now all I was looking at was an empty womb. It was heart wrenching.
Through all this, Rick was so supportive. He didnt leave my side once. He held my hand through it all, including the internal examination where they had to pull the remaining part of our baby out. He doesn't have the strongest stomach in the world and for him to be beside me ment so much to me. I would have been lost if I didnt have him with me.
Now, its Wednesday and I look back and see how quickly life can change for you. One minute you are on top of the world with joy, planning a new baby and the next minute you are on the very bottom of the world with grief. The hardest thing is, I will never know why our baby died.
Rick and I have decided that I won't go back on the pill but focus on our upcoming wedding in October and if I fall pregnant again, so be it.
Again, I cannot express enough how much I value and cherish Rick. He has been my tower of strenght through this whole ordeal even tho he too was heart broken.
My darling Rick, I love you so much. I can never make up to you for these past few days. Thank you my darling one.
I am sorry for this being so long, but I needed to get it out. Simon, Im sorry if this is too graphic. Please email me if it is and I will adjust it, please dont delete it. Thanks