Confused trying to understand JW GF or soon to be EX

by James87 75 Replies latest social relationships

  • James87

    I dont know where to start so why not at the beginning. I was seeing this girl and we hit it off great chemistry. It went from a physical to a deeper relationship. The problems rose when she got back to her JW faith. At first she was pressuring me to marry her not understand the context of this request. I wish she would have explained in more human simple language that she wanted to get married so we could be together while she devotes herself to her religion. Her communication skills were horrible at getting that point across, then she was lets pick a wedding date and then without my knowledge made some commitment and i was seen as the devil. I can tell she loves me but now its strained. She says we cant date or be formal until i convert which i find odd. She says we cant meet anymore but i can hear tears coming from her on the phone. Its so weird when we are together we are good, we click we get along and i have even respected her no sex demand which has been hard. Now the whole i cant see you sounds like pure bs to me. So i ask for clarification, basically i become a "brother" and we get married right? I cant get a straight answer. I feel like i am wasting my time, its one days she loves me and wants to take care of me then the next day i am the enemy i am satan. For more than 6 months i feel like there is no progress and now that she doesnt want to see me because its forbidden i cant help but get pissed and sad. I tell her in her own version of the bible it says its ok for a person to be married to a non believer and she thinks im lying. Its very painful to fight for someone, you see some progress then come sunday and its like i am an enemy. I have even gone as far as going to her church but even that is a mixed response, some days she is so happy i am there others she says why am i there. Oh and now she wont even save me a seat which i find on a basic level a sign of disrespect.

    Am i fighting a lost cause? If you love someone you want to spend time with them? If someone asks you point blank if i do this convert do we marry and yet i cant get an answer. Im not a horrible person but i feel like falling for her was karma for all the things i have done in the past. This person has inflicted so much emotional pain to me.

    Yesterday i went to that special easter mass and she doesnt even say hi to me when she see me, her excuse is i was talking to another brother and didnt want to but in. I asked her to save me a seat and she said she saved me on on another row when before she would save a seat next to her. Today i make the effort to see her and she says dont you understand i cant see you but agrees to make time this weekend for me. ( I fear she is lying about meeting up this weekend) I dont understand what is going on. Its so frustrating any and all advise would be welcomed. And again i am the last person to throw stones because i am more than flawed and a sinner but when she lies it is like cutting into my heart. I ask point blank will we get married because i have been doing all of these changes and again a non comital answer to after pressing her a yes but no date other than a vague in two years. I cant put up with this for two years. It pains me to see normal couples walking together and because of this personal change to become a JW i cant even do that with the person i love is just beyond my comprehension. Someone please help me understand or help me by saying i am fighting a lost cause. This yes no messed up relationship is hurting my heart literally and figuratively. Am i fighting a lost cause?

  • Village Idiot
    Village Idiot

    You are fighting a lost cause. Your girlfriend is one of those many unfaithful believers that want to still think of themselves as JWs but are driven into a hidden life for the sake of pleasure. You do know that she can be excommunicated for simply being with you in the same apartment overnight? That is enforced by elders who, when they suspect something is wrong (Read fornication), keep the residence under surveillance, from their own vehicles, overnight.

    Once she is excommunicated she will be shunned by everyone she knows in the religion including family members.

    She will keep her relationship with you so long as she's out of the Witnesses but she will eventually dump you once she has been accepted by them. In many cases the penitent JW will not even give the time of day to their former lover. This situation has been played out countless thousands of times in JWdom.

    Prepare in your heart to live without her. Her actions show that she will not respect you as a non-JW.

  • Nathan Natas
    Nathan Natas

    YES, you are fighting a lost cause, because her so-called "relationship" with you is based on DISHONESTY.

    She has been dishonest with you,

    she has been dishonest with her friends and family,

    and she may have been dishonest, or unfaithful, to the vow she made when she ecame a baptized Jehovah's Witness.

    You say the relationship between the two of you went from " a physical to a deeper relationship." I don't know what exactly you mean and I don't need to know. YOU know what you mean. SHE knows what you mean

    SHE knows if she has already done things that could get her thrown out of her religion and her family.

    YOU are not a JW. It is perfectly OK for YOU to communicate with me, but when you read this to her she will possibly have a fit or pass out. She might insist that you SHOULD NOT talk to me.

    She wants to trap you in the same mind-control CULT that she is trapped in.

    DON'T DO IT, MAN! Find yourself a nice normal girl who is not dishonest with you from the get-go.

    Read this to her, and watch her reaction. THAT will tell you everything you need to know.


  • James87

    The most frustrating part is the lack of sex, its killing what ever this relationship is. I feel like an idiot for being 6 months like this. Not to be arrogant but im more than confident i can find someone else its just that sadly i do honestly love this person. Love to the point of getting married. Its so frustrating man. The whole i love you i want to take care of you, her going out of her way to cook for me then come sunday when she starts to walk door to door it like oh that version is going to come out. I feel she is going all out into this and as a simple man i cant compete with God. She keeps on saying i cant pick a man over Jehova even though i am going to her church, going to the meetings. Im not an enemy but i feel like one with the way i am being treated. I should just bail right? I have no chance right? Its so strange she talks of marriage and im not ready, now i talk of it and she is like in not so many words too late which i find messed up. The crazy part is she even gets jealous of how they like me in her church more than her but i tell her that means nothing to me. I have never had a problem making friends yet its almost like a personal insult to her. Like the night before for that easter type mass she was mad that basically everyone was flocking to me to the point she just walked out without even saying hi to me. This is so messed up in my mind. The worst part is i do love her. I feel like everything is just bleeped up. Earlier this year she is like we can get married this dec but now its like she denies even saying that. Its like WTF man. Her former friend who she has now isolated from her have told me she is bipolar and point blank have said dude you can do so much better but sadly i do love her. Thats another thing i talk of love and she is like well love is not important, which leads to a WTF reaction. Im so confused this makes no sense to me. If you love someone you want to spend time with them right? Like today i heard tears from her on the phone when she was telling me she cant see me today. Why is this so messed up

  • Village Idiot
    Village Idiot

    The friendliness the JWs manifested to you is none in the exJW community as "love bombing". It wears off once you become one of them. What I can't understand is why she would be jealous of you when she hasn't even let you sit next to her.

    I think she's on the verge of dumping you.

  • James87
  • James87

    Hi Village idiot she would get jealous that before she went full JW even her no JW friends would like me more. I told her flat out i dont care about the "love bombing" that does nothing to me since i dont have problems making friends or having people like me.

    Again because she flat out lies i dont know what or when to believe her. I do believe she loves me and thats why she was crying on the phone today when i asked to see her but at the end she relented and agreed to meet this weekend since there is no mass. The messed up part is that when we are together we click great, for crying out loud her face hurt from laughing so much but her behavior is messed up on so many levels. Like why did i have to fall for her. The more i think about it the crazier i feel about this whole mess. Something messed up like i cant see you but lets do video chats and let me know when you get home in a controlling way, like bleep that.

  • Saethydd

    It seems like she is currently torn between her feelings for you and the indoctrination she was submitted to growing up.

    The reason she is acting that way is because JWs practice a form of isolationism, supposedly to protect themselves from "worldly influences" that might "lead them away from Jehovah." They view it as bad to have any friends who don't "love Jehovah." (which for them means being a baptized Witness, making all the meetings, going out in service, etc.) I'm not saying they won't be friendly with worldly people, but they won't typically spend any quality social time with you unless they can find a way to preach to you. That's probably why she seems so erratic, she wants to spend time with you, but when she does feels guilty.

    The way I see it you have a few choices: you could try to convince her to leave behind the religious group again, but I'll be honest, your odds aren't good on that one. Perhaps if you could have an open discussion with her and tell her the changes you've noticed her behavior and how you're feeling things that'll do it, but she obviously went back to this group because she feels like she's missing something. (Most likely contact with her family.) Though if it is just "spirituality" that she seeks, you could use a resource like to try and convince her that the JWs aren't the right place for that.Though once again, easier said than done you're probably facing off against over a decade of indoctrination into the JWs. (Note there is a strong possibility that she will call tha website "apostate" so I wouldn't share it as being the source of your info, might make her mad and unreceptive.)

    You could start "studying the Bible" (Reading JW publications a few times a week) and "progress to baptism," and maybe that would make her happy. Would probably make you miserable though if you don't have any patience for cult mind control. But hey, if you think she's the only girl for you maybe it would be worth it.

    The final option I would suggest (and the one I would personally take) is cutting the relationship off and finding a girl who won't try to put the religious dogma she gets from a publishing house in New York ahead of your happiness.

  • James87

    Hi Saethydd i do think she is torn. She is in this country without her family other than her sis who already has her own life married. Her mother died at a young age and her father was not the most active from what her version is. She has had a hard life, its just the draconian almost zelot belief and change that makes no sense to me. She wants me to marry her then because i wasnt ready at day X doesnt want to get married at all no that i want to. Things like that make no sense to me. I feel like many things can be fixed married living together because we do click great. Its when she is left alone that her jekyll and hyde change happens. I have started the whole study the bible thing and have told her i am on the path to baptism ( to see what she says ) and to show her i am not some random person but someone serious about a life with her. Again its the whole torn dynamic. She tells me she cant pick a man over god but that at least tells me she has thought about it so in a way that is progress i guess. Just so hurt by this i love you one day to basically i hate you the next day dynamic

  • DesirousOfChange

    I feel like i am wasting my time,

    See there. You didn't need advice from anyone here. You already had it all figured out. Do yourself a favor and MOVE ON.

    Good luck!

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