Confused trying to understand JW GF or soon to be EX

by James87 73 Replies latest social relationships

  • James87
    James87

    Hi Nathan Nats i actually love your reply. Thanks for the hard love man. I didn't know how bad or how much of a cult JW is so originally i saw it just like a regular religion with differences thinking nothing about it. Yes i know nothing of cults and like Dubstepped said she is a damaged person. I do love her but with in limits and since im one foot out the door, deep down inside i know its not best for me to continue.

    I never thought i would be in a situation where i lost someone i care about to a cult. I can understand losing a person in a relationship to another person as i have been on both sides of that equation. This has me at a loss of words. I do care about her but wont have her drag me down.

    'Never allow someone to be your Priority while allowing yourself to be their Option", that quote keeps on coming back to me.

    As for relationships or real relationships i have been in many and truth be told this started out more as a fling which grew into more than i anticipated. Something made me care more than i logically should have. No its not the pussy, some how she made something click in me but it takes two to tango and man i lost to a cult. Its just a hard concept to grasp considering i dont come from a JW background and never interacted with them. That whole bipolar love hate fun guilt dynamic thing is what killed me at the end here.

    Hi Joe134cd no she is not from the Phillipines, she is hispanic. I know i am dodging a bullet in the long run but this still does sting.

  • James87
    James87

    Hi guys i have come to terms with this being a lost cause with that said. The oddest thing happened yesterday almost out of the blues and not in what a felt was a sincere way she asked about wedding plans. Like do you have the date, do you have the ring. Mind you this is all after the yes no yes maybe who know only if you convert bs. I told her decemeber but no exact date and that those are things that are planed out together as a couple. We would need to look at rings together. I feel she got pissed that i threw the question back at her by being honest thats what couples do. Is this another one of those JW type test that try to show non JW are evil or untrust worthy ?

  • dubstepped
    dubstepped

    JWs don't test to show that outsiders are evil, they just believe it. It's kind of hard to tell what actually happened from that last post that was clear as mud, but she sounds batshit crazy on top of the cult stuff. I feel for her, as she needs help, but at this point trying to analyze everything she does is a lost cause and waste of energy.

  • James87
    James87

    Thanks dubstepped I'm glad it's not just me that sees this as crazy behavior. I called her up to see how she was doing and she sounded pissed which goes with that simple theory that when she is alone by herself reading the JW books she turns into another person. Yet comically we are still on to meeting up tomorrow. I know it pointless to talk to her on the phone, only face to face I seem to get through to her. my plan is to see her tomorrow and Monday like we have planned and then just walking away because this is to much man. Part of me feels like I have failed and a part of me feels relieved and lucky that I didn't marry her. Their is a reason I was hesitating when she wanted to fast track the marriage. Just frustrating wasting so much time only for someone's true colors to come out.

  • Saename
    Saename
    James87 - Part of me feels like I have failed and a part of me feels relieved and lucky that I didn't marry her.

    2 years ago I used to look at relationships the same way you do—that it's either a success or a failure. If a couple breaks up, it's because they failed at keeping that relationship alive. I no longer share that belief. Today, I prefer to look at it differently*. If a couple breaks up, it's not because they failed. It's because they found out more about each other—and that new information has led them (or one of them) to conclude that they are incompatible.

    Incompatibility in a relationship doesn't mean failure. No matter what you do in life you have high chances of meeting someone, falling in love with him/her, and then finding out that, after all, the two (or more) of you are incompatible with each other. This may be because one partner wants kids while the other doesn't. Or because one partner has higher sex drive than the other. Or because one partner is overly religious (to the point of being "batshit crazy") while the other isn't. Or because... (insert any important reason.)

    The reason why I don't look at it as a failure is because failing implies having done something wrong. If you have not done this thing wrong, then you would not have failed. But it's not true when it comes to incompatibility. No matter what you do sometimes compromise is not possible. In your case, your girlfriend (soon-to-be ex, I assume) is not only too religious, but she is also fickle and capricious. These two character traits make the two of you incompatible. You have not failed because no matter what you would have done in the past this would not change. She would still be religious, fickle, and capricious. Your personalities are simply incompatible.

    * This is not to say that there is no such thing as failure in relationships. For example, if you are abusing your partner, you are obviously failing. However, my point is that incompatibility does not necessitate failure.

  • joe134cd
    joe134cd

    Just don't do it man. I'm warning you

  • Village Idiot
    Village Idiot

    James87,

    She left before so odds are she can again.

    Why did she leave in the first place? It's usually for "fornication". Did she get disfellowshipped (excommunicated)? When that is the case they still remain believers but feel enormous guilt and long to get back into it. You should ask her why she wants to return after having been out for a while.

  • Village Idiot
    Village Idiot

    James87,

    Part of me feels like I have failed and a part of me feels relieved and lucky that I didn't marry her.

    Celebrate the second part.

  • dubstepped
    dubstepped

    Dude, quitting isn't failing. Successful people quit things that aren't working and find those that do work for them. This clearly isn't working, and you can cut your losses and go find something that works and will be a success. Hitching your wagon to a bus heading for crazy town will result in failure and lots of years lost that you can never get back. I know. I was a JW for three decades because my parents hitched out family wagon to a bus called a cult that lead us to crazy town. Damn I wish they had made different decisions back then. It destroyed our family and wasted 30 years of my life. I'm glad to hear that you're not signing up for that heartache.

  • Incognito
    Incognito

    The purpose of dating is so each person can get to know who the other person really is.

    Many of us wear a mask, especially when first meeting someone we are interested in and want to impress. While you may have thought you got to know the real her long ago, it seems it took 2 years for her to reveal her other personality, the cult personality.

    Right now, you don't seem to care much for her other personality, so are you prepared to live with that personality for the remainder of your life? If not, the time invested in the relationship was not wasted or a failure but is the price paid before proceeding on to the relationship's next stage, to help ensure you both haven't chosen the wrong person to commit to and share the remainder of your life with.

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