Confused trying to understand JW GF or soon to be EX

by James87 75 Replies latest social relationships

  • James87

    Saethydd i do feel like i can get her out of this religion but only living with her married to her because the whole progress i make in one day gets washed a way the next day. Its just hard and frustrating. At times i try not to think about it because it is so messed up. Its like a constant battle but i might be wrong.

    Village Idiot you do have a point i might be totally wrong but if someone changes so drastically they can change again. From what i believe i know of her because she is very similar to me i think that is very much possible. Part of her desire to go back to the JW is because honestly she had a hard life on so many levels and a times i was not always there for her. Little by little i was more there for her but she had already made up her mind and made her drastic changes. Its funny you bring up children because even her former friends are like can you imagine having a child with her? Not in a good way is that said.

    Maybe its a blessing in disguise to walk away but i feel so torn. I normally i have no problems ending things, yet something about her made me stay though all this mess. I feel so conflicted not to mention the whole constant stabbed in the heart with her day and night changes in character. Maybe getting some sleep will give me some peace to this mess i am in. Thank you all for hearing me and please reply with anything and everything. I truly am torn here.

  • freddo

    Read some of the well researched stuff from jw.facts - all based on Watchtower literature and what it said/says. Use that literature to show her that JW'ism is a false religion.

    Sadly it likely will have little effect.

    And when she runs screaming from the room because she believes demons have written it and changed the words in the JW literature then you will know once and for all you are on a hiding to nothing.


  • alcyone

    James87, many of us tried to convince our families the JWs are not right. We were JWs too, we know faults of that religion, we can point to them, we read the old WTS literature... and still we are absolutely powerless when talking to our beloved. Some of them looked a bit lukewarm in their beliefs, but when we confronted them, they switched to fully cultish mode. I do not say there is 0% chance, some attempts really helped others to get out of the cult, but I would like to say, do not hope you will help her out of JWism - results are unpredictable and chances are low.

    Next, if she marries you, she will be considered spiritually weak, the one "who did a mistake", the one who "did not obey loving counsels Jehovah gives us through the organization", etc. Maybe it does not look as a big thing, but this will put more pressure on your marriage. Any mistake you will do will be interpreted in this light. She will hear other examples of people that are unevenly yoked and how they regret they were not obedient. Everybody in the congregation will look to her with pity and use her example to educate their children on how marriage with an unbeliever does not work. When you will push too much against her beliefs, she will be reassured there is "a biblical reason" to separate from you. All JWs will expect your marriage to fail.

    Have you seen this Watchtower propaganda video? It will help you to understand JW worldview and how they will see your potential marriage

  • Finkelstein

    . Am i fighting a lost cause?

    I'm the afraid the answer to that is yes, until she makes a discerning effort on her part of leaving this high controlling cult. There is a very strong social demarcation that this cult places onto people and one segment of that is you do not marry someone not in the faith.

    They are instructed to not even associate with someone not in the faith.

    She may have had a preconceived notion that she could find someone she likes and then eventually lure this person into the faith overtime ???

    The JWS religion is an extremely corrupt and pretentious fraud posing itself as Christianity but is inherently fraudulent due its core operation of having a publishing house at its center.

  • Miss Worldly
    Miss Worldly


    To be brutally honest, Yes, you are fighting a loosing battle. I know. I'm right there with you.

    Its easy to say walk away, not so easy to do, I know.

    I am afraid that until or if the veil of JW is lifted from you're GF by her own hand, there is not a damn thing you can do. Do you wait? Or walk? Who knows. Only you can make the decision. The more you fight, the harder the battle. I know.

    I am assuming that she has been told not to 'associate' with you. So in her mind she is fighting a battle of her own. The constant flip flopping is wearing and so frustrating, you think you're getting somewhere, then WHAM! The guilt kicks in.

    My way? For now, I wait. I listen. I talk. I'm there. I am the bad association.

    I have no advice for you because I am in a similar situation. But I send my best wishes. Love is a funny funny thing.

  • just fine
    just fine

    Let it go. Be sad, move on. The brand of crazy peddled by JWs is all reaching and ever present. The only Witnesses I have contact with are my parents, because I will not allow that type of idiocy into my life. Cut ties, walk away, you don't have to save her, or the world, you only have to save yourself.

  • Giordano

    James........... sorry your experiencing is heart breaking. However it only gets worse from this point. Cherish your memories and move don't need this insanity in your life.

  • MissFit

    Please do her a big favor. Walk away unless you are willing to commit and dedicate your life to the JW organization. Do not go in thinking you can get her out. She is in guilt and, or mayrter

    mode right now. She is being told she needs to prove her love and loyalty to the organization and God. If she chooses you she has abandoned her god and sided with Satan and will be judged unworthy of everlasting life.

    But if she can "save " you and get you baptized and in good standing, she can marry you with a clean conscience. Right now she can't tell you that because she needs to tell the elders that you are really honest hearted and not studying just to marry her.

    She can't sit by you at the meetings because that is a declaration of dating or commitment ,which she can't do because you are not baptized. It's about appearances.

    I was in the same situation except my husband never tried to study . I chose him over Jehovah and felt the nagging guilt for over 30 years every time I went to meeting by myself.

    I was physical with my guy before marriage and was eaten up with guilt. I am not sure if we would still be together if he hadnt proposed right away. I needed that commitment. My case was different because after marrying him, I dropped out because of guilt. Then came back to the JWS because of guilt and family. I avoided being excommunicated because I waited a year and confessed repentedly. Since I was already married and very sorry they privately reproved me and I spent 20-30 years with guilt until I found out every thing I was taught was a lie and my husband and I are not doomed to everlasting destruction.

    I love my husband, I now think it was the best decision I made but it took a long time to get there.

  • James87

    Mis Worldly, it is hard fighting for someone like this. What i dont understand is why and who would tell her no to associate with me. The people in that JW hall seem happy to see me there in the meeting and sunday mass. I under stand looks can be deceiving but im playing my part so far, using there own words when they ask me about my impression of the services and they come out happy. I dont get the logic in trying to alienate someone that is with them so far. The crazy part is i think its her own interpretation of what she is reading that is the conflict here about not associating with me but i could be so wrong, im only a very flawed human.

    Its all a mess honestly and after trying to get some sleep on the issue i feel just as lost as before. I truly wonder if the rush to get married was sincere or in a way her version of fighting to keep us as a couple. I dont understand why the more direct blunt approach was not taken by her here instead of vague semi threats of changes. The simple if you love me we need to get married now because the faith i am going back to wont allow us to be together if we dont get married. Simple black and white answer not a vague threat of change.

    Its like a constant battle with her, some days are great others are bad. I do feel she loves me but i do wonder what love means to her. Something as simple as last night i make the effort to see her because i had to run errands in that area and she rejects that ( i head the tear of her crying) but then agrees for the weekend and stresses she wanted to know when i got home because it was raining. A sign of concern? a sign of being worried i will replace her? At the same time im getting hit complemented on by other people who havent seen me in a while ( im just a normal guy) , i go to the mall to walk inside and wait out the rain and i feel sadness when i see couples in the mall walking together holding hands and here im making the effort to see her. If you love someone you want to spend time with them right?

    This morning she texted me first and even went out of her way to call me which is her version of reaching out and she sound happy on the phone etc but then gets mad when i offer to help her look for a new place to rent since she is unhappy in her current location. i quote " why do you try to get into everything in my life" mind you two mins ago she is all happy. Mind you this is someone who says they love me to the point of tears yesterday then another two mins later is asking me to help her with her cell phone issue. Its like waves or a roller coaster with this person at times. Its like don't get involved then later get involved then later why didnt you get involved. Honestly i feel like this is Karma for all the things i have done before. The interesting thing i found out is she want to find a place very far away from the JW center ( rent prices is cheaper in another part of the city). Maybe this is a little break in her, i doubt she will drive down this far since she hates driving to begin with so maybe its a sub conscious way of her to slowly walk away from this? Then again it could be her trying to get away from me. I feel like a tormented soul at times. One day its like lets go to Disney, then well we can only go on a group, then well we can only go on our honeymoon. This year started with lets travel, lets go to NY, to Chicago, now its like we cant travel together until we are married. Just so many contradictions. I can tell she is conflicted because i think she loves me but man what a mess.

  • James87

    Hi MissFit i think you are right about this :

    "She is being told she needs to prove her love and loyalty to the organization and God. If she chooses you she has abandoned her god and sided with Satan and will be judged unworthy of everlasting life.

    But if she can "save " you and get you baptized and in good standing, she can marry you with a clean conscience. Right now she can't tell you that because she needs to tell the elders that you are really honest hearted and not studying just to marry her.

    She can't sit by you at the meetings because that is a declaration of dating or commitment ,which she can't do because you are not baptized. It's about appearances."

    Its all about appearances, she always tells me be discreet about talking about her. Things of that nature. I do love her and i do want to marry her but at the same time its very hard to propose to a person acting this way. When we where intimate we clicked great but after months of lack of intimacy this yes no yes roller coaster ride its hard for me to do a marriage proposal. I feel like i am rewarding bad behavior. I can act the part in church with ease and sincerely i am not really a religious person but i do try to be a good person. Try to be a better version of me everyday but some days are harder than others.

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