Confused trying to understand JW GF or soon to be EX

by James87 75 Replies latest social relationships

  • alcyone

    What i dont understand is why and who would tell her no to associate with me. The people in that JW hall seem happy to see me there in the meeting and sunday mass.

    They are also trying to "help you" (translation: to bring you to the cult). JW will always try to make better impression toward external people. Try to ask them about shunning, ask them whether nonJW will be destroyed in Armageddon and you will never get the right answer. They do not see it as a lie, they feel like parents who cannot disclose everything to their child.

  • out4good4

    Look up and read the posts of a member here SD-7.

    Unless you are going to be a full bore male JW reaching out for privileges in the congregation, you are fighting a loosing battle.


    You're going to find out eventually that that piece of ass is not worth it.

  • James87

    Hi Out4good4 i just read some of the SD-7 post here and it is sad. From the tread i got these two quotes that resinated with me

    'Never allow someone to be your Priority while allowing yourself to be their Option"

    But for you, my friend, I will tell you what my mom tells me when things have been difficult in my marriage. "You will know when you've had enough.

    It seems like Sd-7 is a man on a mission and i hope he is happy. I cant say i am a good guy here since i am more on the tactical person but yes i am an idiot in love. Why did i have to fall for her?

    I feel like a Wolf in sheeps clothing over there. If i didnt really love her i would have dumped her a long time ago and even with love i feel like i am one foot in and one foot out the door with her with all this constant yes no yes dynamic

    At times in the meeting i feel like say guys thats not right. Like a few meeting ago they were talking about how Christ was not crucified on a cross. In my mind im like guys, the Romans where vicious and ruthless. They wanted someones death to be as painful and shocking to all to see. Just from a historical point of view the whole put up on a poll thing makes no sense to me. Thats like a simple red alert type moment. Or the whole lets just pass the bread and wine but not touch it when the bible says if you eat my bread and wine etc.

    The things we do for the ones we love but even love like people have limits

  • Londo111

    What everyone has said here is 110 percent true.

    And beside that (until if and when they wake up) JW women are fickle and not good life partners. If it's complicated now, it's only going to get more complicated as time goes on.

    You deserve a person who recripicates your interest unconditionally. I am sure there are plenty of women out there who are not in a cult and can make you happier.

  • Nathan Natas
    Nathan Natas

    James87, you don't love her, you love a mental image you have created and stuck her face on.

    Your alternative is to go ahead and marry her, then in 6 months you will be saying, "Those XJW fuckers were RIGHT, man! WHY didn't I listen to them?"

  • wheelwithinwheel

    I’ve seen your situation several times over the years. JW girl meets nice non-JW boy. Elders find out. Girl is told “Remember, Jehovah wants us to marry only someone in the Truth™. Let’s see if this guy is really a good, sincere future JW. Keep your distance until he’s studied and gets baptized. So that way you will know he is getting baptised for Jehovah, not to get married to you. Then you are free to marry him”.

    JW girl follows the rules and distances herself (at least in front of fellow believers). Boy really likes this girl and believes he can change (help) her. He too follows the JW rules. He studies. He gets baptized. Sometime after his baptism they get married, blessed because they followed the congregational rules.

    Then….the marriage becomes a total disaster. The guy was interested in the girl, not the religion. The girl wants to keep the religion and the boy. There’s a lot of finger pointing and fighting. All the JW congregation nod knowingly and say to one another “See, a “worldly” guy. Can’t be trusted. He came into the Truth just to marry her” and “She went out into the world™ just to get a guy and look what happened. She should have known better. She disrespected Jehovah’s rules”.

    Want grief - get baptized. Want to clear everything up? Tell her you have done a lot of research and have positive proof she is in a mind-controlling cult and you will NEVER join - NEVER. Show the elders and your GF the proof. See where it goes from there.

  • Incognito
    Your alternative is to go ahead and marry her, then in 6 months you will be saying, "Those XJW fuckers were RIGHT, man! WHY didn't I listen to them? - Nathan Natas

    There have been many here that have told a similar story as you. I expect you knew before posting here what would be said, yet hoped someone would say the opposite and give you hope that the relationship could succeed.

    She is acting as two conflicted people. There is the genuine person who wants to receive attention, have a good time and fall in-love. Then there is the other personality who is feeling guilty and shameful for her genuine behavior and is acting in the extreme to right the wrong.

    Her goal is to get you to convert to a JW. Even if you do that, it will not be enough as you will need to continually prove your allegiance to the organization. This is shown by answering at meetings, giving talks from the platform and becoming a Publisher. She will likely push for you to become a Ministerial Servant then an Elder etc, etc, etc. It is never enough and the religion takes priority over you even if you are her husband.

    While you may feel you can get her out, it has been proven countless times, unless the person sees the flaws with the religion for them-self and they leave for their own reasons, they will not fully leave even if they stop attending. You can point-out the religion's flaws to her, but she will only oppose, resent, hate and punish you for doing so.

  • Stealth

    James87, A two year investment in a relations may seem like a long time to just toss out without some effort to save. Take your two year loss and move on, it is far less of a loss than 40 or more years of what you are facing if you marry this person.

    You may love her, but you will grow to hate her religion, resent her for it that will only make your relationship more strained.

    Good luck on whatever path you decide to take!

  • joe134cd

    From time to time we get people in your situation trying to find solutions. I would say the resounding answer from many here would be run to the hills and be thankful that you did. Even the dubs themselves are totally against this un-even yoking, in which she will be highly criticized for if not kicked out. My advise would be if you are wanting to find the strength of the relationship of which communication trust and honesty is such an important element. Would be to sit down and study together an article from JW facts. You will get either one of two replies

    (1) These are people with ligitimate concerns

    (2) Evil angry apostates who are seeking to draw disciples away for themselves, and we're kicked out because they couldn't live up to bible principles.

    This will be your answer. I think the fact that you are on here discussing this with us, and not with the women you will be spending the rest of your life with is very revealing.

  • James87

    Hi guys and gals thank you for all of your imput, please even if its dude run for the hill, run forest run i would greatly appreciate it. Any imput positive or negative is welcomed with open arm.

    Maybe i can try to paint a better picture of what i believe is happening event wise as an understanding why she might have returned to the JW after years of inactivity. Granted when we met she never spoke of religion. When we finally met i guess one would say it was love at first sight on her part but for me it was like ok this person is nice lets take it from there. Analyzing her actions i feel she really did love me and to an extent still does but other factors in her life have been difficult. She lost her mother at a young age, she became the surrogate mother to her sister by default. Later i find out surprisingly she had a kid when she was like 16 but that she left the kid with her father and hasnt seen him in person since then. She entered this country by less than legal ways and thus was open to constant abuse at work in life in general. Life sucked which is why i feel she said bleep this and left the JW which is great. Now she meets me but wants everything on the fast tract to marriage ( before she went back to the JW) and little by little i started to sincerely fall for her. Its like an interesting case study just tying to see her past behavior and her behavior now. We talk of moving together but then when i say lets look for a place for us their was always a silence or a we will do it later type vibe. In hindsight i feel she wanted me to do everything and have her just set up camp in the house but thats not exactly right either. She mentions buying a house but while not dumb lacked the understanding of what that actually ment, loans, insurance, searching for the properties etc. I have a heart to heart talk to her about the future and our future, i have plans to get a J.D which is three years and i know it will be hard so i wanted her to be sure of what this means. Also i wanted something better for her, she currently works in the house cleaning market but is capable of so much more. I mentioned she might consider a BSN or a ADA in the medical field to get paid better, to have health insurance and more stability in her life. She said yes but months later threw that back at my face. Later i realize that was part of the JW doctrine, higher education it seems is frowned upon. Its funny she even tried to talk to me saying just stick to business which you are good at no need to become a lawyer, i told her i know i am capable of so much more, it would be crime for me given such talents and gifts not to put them to their best use. ( i know i can do it i think, but i also know it will be hard as hell, its not impossible but i know it will cost me tooth and nails to accomplish but accomplish it i will even if it kills me, sorry that did sound arrogant guys, i know its not easy )That response ended that strive for less talk ever again. Little by little she was hitting at changes but since i am not that religious to begin with and her being vague i had no idea what that meant. The whole lets get married quickly set off red alert flags but had she painted it in the context of my faith needs me too, i want you by my side as my husband with more communication yes it would have happened ( with a prenup obviously) but instead she went to her zelot side almost like the dark side and well the goal post was moved to from december of this year to in the future to only if you become baptized. Things to an extent has gotten better in her life and she feels that is because she is following JW not because logically she is the one doing the hard work for things to happen, she is the one talking and paying an attorney to get a work permit, not Jehovah. She is the one who will finally have a valid drivers license which she has fought for and i have helped with info books etc but in her mind its JW rewarding her.

    For all of these reason i feel yet i could just be a fool that she can walk away from the JW but that would need time and effort. From my understanding even her sis is not a JW. From my limited view of her life and i am the person i think she spends the most time with she is all alone. She drowns herself in JW literature because her current rental location has bad internet and no real tv not to mention she gets home tired. I see her as someone stranded on an island to a degree. That always by herself life makes it hard for her to accept anyone yet with me when we meet its like little kids together. Happy affectionate not perfect but who is. For those reasons i feel their is hope. She left JW for a reason years ago and when i am firmer with her ( but not dominating or physical just like babe we are doing this as an example she listens)

    At the same time i not that much a fool in love because i do realize major red flags and for that reason not knowing what version of her i will get i am literally one foot in and one foot out the door. Trying to see something together like a Disney movie becomes a problem because of allegedly a character is gay in the remake of a wonderful animated tale does raise eyebrows for me. Beauty and the Beast is a story about love, how one should not judge people by their appearances, the ability to change yet some how that might be satanic is insanity in my mind. Also i know i am not ugly but im not prince charming either ( it sounds arrogant but thats not my intent) So people tell me i look good ok i guess im just me. Comically because life is full of ironies my previous Ex is trying to reach out to me and no i dont want anything to do with her but just the comical irony of it all. With ease i could leave one for the other but i wont because i have finally matured and i feel i see something in this girl but i do realize their are issues. Maybe things work out maybe they dont but i feel i need to try my best (with in limits) instead of taking the easy way out. Sadly i do feel like i am reaching my limits with the constant yes no dynamic.

    Sorry for the rant and venting out but i welcome all advice from either run to fight or even better an explanation of why she is acting in a certain way because of the jw doctrines.

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