Advice on Disassociating

by HiddenPimo 77 Replies latest jw experiences

  • silentbuddha

    HiddenPimo, as a fun exercise take a few minutes to analyze something. Look at the posting content / topics of faders and those who consistently say things like, "dont play by their rules" . Then do the same for those moved on via being forced too or who DA'ed.

    In most instances those that fade spend years after they have mentally left still reading JW literature. Quibbling over the latest JW news. Selling their homes and moving away so they can continue to hide out. This goes on for YEARS. For instance Brighton made a post about possibly accepting blood privately. Not all do this but the majorityIF THEIR IS ANY DESCRIPTION OF PLAYONG BY THEIR RULES THAT WOULD BE IT.(

    Then look at the posts of the majority who leave on their own terms and get on with life. The majority of their topics are humor, politics, and world events. They share stories of moving on, going to school, etc. You may not agree with their views but you see people who have left, and are making a go at life.

    Not to say you have to do what others do, but the term playing by their rules is so ridiculous it's not even funny

  • silentbuddha

    Brighton, in your post you said that leaving the religion with a letter is playing by their rules, and how successful your fade was.

    Yet, in the same post you say you:

    1. Stull hang out with them

    2. Live in a grey area

    Somehow you think you are a good reminder to them that everyone who leaves is not dangerous when you are staying you have not left and are still a JW.

    You made one post on this site and it was about finding a way to sneak around and receive lifesaving medical treatment if needed without the group you supposedly left finding out...

    Please tell me who has established the rules you are living by

  • DesirousOfChange

    Why “disassociating” is playing by THEIR RULES:

    Have you ever heard of anyone ever “disassociating” from the Catholic Church or the Baptist or Methodist Churches? No. Even if they notify their Priest, there is no public announcement, no fanfare, no tribunal

    Members just quit attending. They just “go away” (fade away?). No written letter. No sworn statement before two clergy witnesses.

    In fact, do you know of any other organization from which members go through some formality to “disassociate”? Boy Scouts? Political Party? PTA? Meals-On-Wheels volunteer? Resignation from a public office or position of employment comes to mind as the closest example as compared to any voluntary membership in any group

    In fact the attorney for the Canadian Branch in a recent court hearing informed the magistrates of the definition of “disfellowshipping” as explained it as a term used by JW’s. Why? Because NO ONE ELSE uses the term.

    DISASSOCIATION is exclusively a WT term (rule).

    If following JW procedures for formally disassociating is (in your opinion) what is best FOR YOU in YOUR circumstances— go for it!! Just be certain that the resulting consequences will also be “best for you”.

    The greatest revenge is living a happy & successful life!

  • LongHairGal


    When I ‘faded’ over eighteen years ago it wasn’t my desire to ‘hang out with anybody’ or ‘influence anybody’ or ‘plant ideas’.. I just didn’t want any drama.

    In retrospect, agree with you that Disassociation might best for certain Witnesses leaving IF:::they have no family left there and no business connections and/or there were hard feelings and unpleasant dealings!! Then they can give ‘em the middle finger and it’s very public. But, I think it’s a different story if there’s family there that you care about OR if you have business connections that would be ripped out from under you in a New York minute. I think it would have to be handled differently.

    I agree it would not be pleasant hanging on, but what are people like this to do? I’m glad I didn’t have their circumstances and was just able to do what I did. Again, there have been many threads on this debate over the years.

    In plain English, I’m just glad I’m not there anymore.

  • silentbuddha

    Actually desirous of change to official leave the catholic church, mormons, and a variety of other organizations you do write a letter. I suggest you read up on that.

    Mormons, Catholic Church, etc... please stop spreading misinformation. There is fanfare involved and announcements. There is also shuning. To leave an organization of almost any sort a letter of resignation or disassociation is common.

    The Borg did not invent the procedd.

    Longhair I agree with you. I am not saying DA'ing is the only option. It is an option that has consequences as well as advantages and disadvantages. As you said getting out and moving on is the most important aspect

    The issue is the whole playing by their rules mantra that is always voiced by those who are trapped in the Borg mentality and spend 10 years mentally out but hiding and living in fear of being a genuine person.

  • stan livedeath
    stan livedeath


    youre sounding more like a troll each time you hit your keyboard.

    if you are genuine--you are one of the lucky ones who managed to keep their family intact. lots of us on here havent been so fortunate. please remember that.

    those on here--like me--- who suggest the OP tries the fade method are only trying to show him the way to avoid the breakup of his family.

  • HiddenPimo

    I appreciate the genuine concern and It was never my intent to cause controversy. I cannot live a double life. My self worth, honor, and integrity push me to be true thine own-self.

    Maybe I should have proposed how would you DA? What would you put in the letter.

  • silentbuddha

    Please tell me what I am saying is trollish. I think my assessment of the options mentioned by the OP are realistic and genuine.

    I never said he shouldn't fade. I never said he should da or painted a rosy unrealistic view of it.

    I know many people who have left with family in tow. They usually arent on the boards long because they make a clean break at somepoint.

    Please point out my trollish behavior

  • Incognigo Montoya
    Incognigo Montoya

    It would seem that the ultimate issue is family. How you view your family. Those that care about their family, and wish to maintain a relationship with them, giving the family an excusable way to maintain contact with them, your best option is to fade. As stated by the many posts on this thread, there are a lot of drawbacks to fading, but it's your best chance of maintaining contact with family.

    On the other hand, those who have disassociated seem to have had a disfunctional, if not poisonous, relationship with their families. So disassociating wasn't as big of a deal for them, perhaps a relief, in as much as it serves as a barrier, keeping a toxic family relationship at bay, severing ties with those they no longer want in their life.

    OP, you've stated that you couldn't care less about your family, even your marriage. If, after careful consideration this is truly how you feel, then Disassociating sounds like your best choice. Just remember, once that bridge is burned, there's no going back. Be sure that later on in life, you aren't going to look back and miss having contact with anyone. If you had children, I would be very concerned, and caution you to rethink your decision. You can walk away from a marriage, even parents, and be perfectly content not speaking or maintaining a relationship, for the rest of your life. But children... at some point or another, a parent is going to regret severing contact, or disabling their relationship with their child.

    I like the idea of sending individual letters to members of the congregation, outlining your thoughts and reasons for leaving. Citing specific instances of hypocrisy and dishonesty by the organization and its leaders, may open some eyes. Try to keep it as brief and to the point as possible, not overstating or repeating yourself. And finally sending your DA letter to the elders, to be recieved a few days after your letters to the congregation arrive. Then you're finished. All done, forever. Good luck to you. Please let us know how it goes!

  • Simon

    Why play by their rules? Just walk away

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