Advice on Disassociating

by HiddenPimo 77 Replies latest jw experiences

  • dubstepped
    @HiddenPIMO - you can't get support to disassociate from those too scared to do so. Yes disassociating is a JW term, so what? I'd rather do one thing and be done than play games for years. Like was said earlier, go read the posts of those that fade and the games they have to play. Look at the people that fade and end up shunned anyway. It's all calculated risk and should be up to individuals but you'll never find support for disassociation among faders. Other than maybe being a believer there is nothing on here that will cause more butthurt than mentioning the dreaded d word. I don't know if it's projection or insecurity or what but faders struggle to support those that make a choice they couldn't or wouldn't. I have no problem supporting faders. But mention the d word and every fader jumps in to tell you you're somehow bad for doing something they couldn't do.
  • ShirleyW

    I don't get the idea of writing a letter unless you really want to tell off the elders or something and tell them what pompous jackasses they are but why not just stop going to the mtgs and when they come knocking on your door say you've made your decision, maybe go into a brief description as to why and that's all they get.

  • silentbuddha

    HiddenPIMO, were there any people in particular you wanted to reach? A message you wanted to convey to anyone, or did you just want to officially no longer be counted among them and get on with life.

    The body of the letter depends on your end goal is

  • silentbuddha

    Shirley, (I am saying this in a soft voice as I type so I am not confused at trollong) one reason would be to officially no longer be a JW. Affiliation with a church can impact employment.

    What about running for public office and people find out you are a JW.

    If you were a member if the KKK, you could just walk away. If it was found out you were a member and you tried to state that you haven't been to a meeting in 5 years who would believe that or perceive it as credible. Yet if you have a letter stating you renounced those beliefs it is a different story.

    Some people just want to officially sever ties and not have to worry about elders and others stopping by to talk you into returning.

    Others want the protection da letters provide in that they do not have to worry in the early stages 9f leaving of having elders drop by every 6 months. It is just a matter of officially leaving a corrupt and disgraceful organization

  • stan livedeath
    stan livedeath

    from wikipaedia;

    In Internet slang, a troll is a person who starts quarrels or upsets people on the Internet to distract and sow discord by posting inflammatory and digressive,[1] extraneous, or off-topicmessages in an online community (such as a newsgroup, forum, chat room, or blog) with the intent of provoking readers into displaying emotional responses[2] and normalizing tangential discussion,[3] whether for the troll's amusement or a specific gain.

  • Incognigo Montoya
    Incognigo Montoya

    Dubstepped, I am a fader, and I support his, or anyones choice to DA. No offence, but the only one coming off as butt hurt here, is you. We all know, at least those of us who've listened to your podcast and personal story (yours and your wifes) that you DA, and that was what was best for you both. But you both had disfunctional families. DA didn't cause you to lose anything you weren't prepared to lose. Some of us don't have disfunctional families. Don't wish to risk losing our families, but dont wish to be part of the organization any longer. Again, no offence, but have kids, raise them in the religion, then decide to leave, and tell me how you feel about disassociating, or what if your wife chose to stay in? Would you still have DA? Things become extremely complicated when something you can't bear to lose, becomes a factor, and there's a probable chance you will lose them. I simply wish to caution a person to think long and hard on who they stand to lose when they make that choice. Can they bear that burden? If so, or if they don't have anyone, then go for it! I imagine it's a great freedom.

    Everyone's situation is different. Unfortunately, we were all a part of this organization. We decided to leave. It's not an easy thing to do. The DA option can sound appealing, especially when the feelings from just coming out are raw, and you are angry, finished. But having the foresight, knowing what the repercussions are, down the road, may not be clear at that time. Because DA is so final, taking some time to consider the consequences is advisable. It seems some here are speaking on that, from experience. No one should be ridiculed or berated for their choice, be it, fade, pimo, or disassociating. We all have our reasons. Be supportive.

  • dubstepped

    @Incognito - LOL, so it was easy for me to disassociate because my family was dysfunctional, like so many weren't in the cult. Come on man. If you listened to my story you know how hard it was but I needed to do it, and you probably don't know all the reasons why so let's not act like you know.

    Time and time again I've supported a person disassociating on here. I also support fading. You don't get the same going both ways. Maybe you're the odd one, but every thread about disassociating devolves into this brought on by faders that can't respect the decisions of others. Don't judge my stance by one set of posts in one discussion. I'm often the lone supporter of anyone coming here wishing to disassociate.

    I'm not butthurt, I'm actually on topic from the OP. I do know what it's like though to seek support only to run up against this. I did this very thing when I sought to disassociate and it would have been nice to have support. Instead I just got the same trolling, and I'm glad I didn't listen.

    I have been far more supportive than most. You're lecturing the wrong person. In fact, I'm supporting the OP, something most aren't. Props to you if you can see past your own emotions to do the same.

    Disassociation is a tough enough decision without everyone discouraging you from doing it when you've chosen that as your path.

  • DesirousOfChange

    I simply wish to caution a person to think long and hard on who they stand to lose when they make that choice [to DA]. Can they bear that burden? ~ Incognito

    Thanks for stating it so succinctly.

    I think the point has been made. If you DA, there is (almost no chance of) going back. If you attempt to just fade, and are successful, you can change your mind at any time and do it differently.

    For example, we have an PIMO acquaintance who has shared this dilemma: His inactive (unbaptized) adult child is dating a person who DA some years ago. Since his child was never dunked and cannot be DF/DA, he is able to associate freely with his son/daughter. But if his child actually were to marry the DA person, what repercussions would he face for even attending the wedding. He is convinced his PIMI wife would never attend the wedding nor associate with the couple (or any grandchildren) for any reason. There would be a lot less complications had that young person just "faded" (if possible, which may not have been if Elders "hunted" them down).

  • Incognito
    @Incognito - LOL, so it was easy for me to disassociate because my family was dysfunctional,
    I simply wish to caution a person to think long and hard on who they stand to lose when they make that choice [to DA]. Can they bear that burden? ~ Incognito

    Not sure why these responses and quotes are being directed to me. I believe these are rightly addressed to INCOGNIGO Montoya.

    For what it's worth, my opinion is each person needs to do as is appropriate for them and their unique situation. There is no one size fits all.

    Someone who fades or suddenly stops attending always has an option to DA at a later time if they find there is a reason to do so. Removing themselves from meetings will often provide a needed break, to allow the person time to think and consider how the future will likely unfold, without influence from JWs that will attempt to make the person feel guilty and derail their plans.

    Someone who immediately decides to DA may be making a hasty decision based on emotion and may not be considering the full consequences to that action.

    Regardless of the fact that the announcement is identical, once a person is DA'd, they are often considered by many JWs as worse than someone who is DF'd. This is not an action to be treated lightly, particularly if that person has family members who are JWs, or business dealings involving JWs.

  • 3rdgen

    About seven years ago Hubby and I woke up to TTATT. We both are 3rd gen born ins with our entire families being as dysfunctional as you would expect for those with parents/relatives who are /were Bethelites, Pioneers, Missionaries, CO, and yes, even a Branch Overseer.

    I wanted to DA from the get-go. I was DONE with the drama, hypocrisy, Lies, F.O.G. etc. My only child was already out. However, hubby wanted to fade.

    Hubby encouraged me to wait a while before I "pulled the trigger" as I might want freedom of speech with a few POMIs we know. I am very glad I listened because over time we have helped two of our friends to become mentally out.

    In our case, our entire JW families shun us anyway, we absolutely no longer look over our shoulder, and we are able to anti-witness a lot! Win, win.

    OTOH, we completely support those who DA. The important thing is to SLOWLY and CAREFULLY consider the benefits and drawbacks of each. DA is permanent. Fading gives you time to think and make plans without letting emotions get in the way.

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