I used to be sure I never wanted kids.
(here starts the verbal diarrhea part....feel free to skip to the end (also in bold):
That wuz shortly after "raising" my bro & sis best I knew how
during and after my parentz nasty marriage & ugly divorce.
They were my kids. Circumstances dictated....and love.
(really we all raised each other but i viewed it back then as my sole responsibility)
Babysat other peoplez kidz all through jr. high and high school.
(did it for the money...but loved each o' them kidz...didn't much like the baby types, just the kid types).
I could always envision adopting, but never envisioned the "all american family" type scenario. You know the hubby, wife, 2.5 kids, dog and house with white picket fence and a red door. *gag*)
I figured, why on earth would I bring another new baby into this f'd up world when there are already so many kids in need of loving parents? If I wanted a kid, I'd adopt, I thought.
When I was finished high school my mom got pregnant again.
I bawled with joy and surprise when she told me the news.
Gosh, a new life inside o' her!....I'll be an auntie, no wait a 1/2 sis,
oh man I'm too old for this again...this could be my kid.because I didn't wanna raise yet anuther kid
(and for a few other reasons i won't bore u with)
i moved out.
I felt selfish, but that was my decision. I've loved my 1/2 bro from before he wuz born
and was concerned we wouldn't be as close as my other siblings and I.
(I'm happy to report, over a decade later and in spite of a perpetually disfunctional type family and a long distance relationship of sorts, that we do awright He's such a genius that kid. I love 'im to death.)
Loved kids, Still never wanted kids.
Felt abnormal for not wanting them actually
(particularly in the jw setting where "that's what women do").
My mother wanted them. My sister wanted them. All my girlfriends wanted them.
Then came the women in the hall, when are you gonna get married and have kids?
Every guy I dated wanted kids.
Then there were the gawd-awful birth stories. ACK. Ech. Ewwww.
I could not imagine it for myself. Or maybe it was that I could imagine it, all too well.
I used to think it was just the fear of giving birth, and the selfishness about wrecking my body, losing all dignity (I still find it nightmare-ish to imagine the whole "modernday" birthing process). My mother tries to paint it up all nice and natural like, but I know better. (lol) Besides, she's biased. She's in love with babymaking.
I remember a sweet wonderful loving functional couple I was friends with,
they wanted a child more than anything in the world
and were having the worst time getting pregnant.
The day I found out they were finally pregnant, I burst into tears of joy for them. And for their unborn child. They were a wonderful couple. This child would be well-loved and nurtured.
I love children and I love life. I don't want kids; though it's really beautiful when it happens to someone else in the right circumstances for it.
Got married, with full disclosure to him, in no uncertain terms, that I in no way wanted kids.
This must have fallen on deaf ears cuz he one day said to me, "you are very hard to get pregnant!"
I guess he must not have understood what that little pill wuz i took every damn day.
For reasons of a serious and sad nature in my marriage,
my decision to not have children was reaffirmed over time.
Some best friends of ours got pregnant. I felt a twinge! It was gone as quickly as it appeared.
(Was reminded of a lot of things and learned a few new things seeing my best g/f go thru the pregnancy and birth thing.) But I felt slighty normal to have finally felt, for the first time, the teeniest likeness of what *normal* women feel about the desire to have children. (it's called jealousy?)
I guess my husband felt the same twinge though, cuz one day he brought home a couple movies from the library showing live hospital births and about midwifery and live home births. I reestablished my stance that I am in no way having kids with him.
Then, when he wuzn't looking, I watched the movies, with my hands over my face and my fingers parted, (ow ow ow) and my brow furrowed and made some decisions about my preferences...I'd do the home birth thing in a heartbeat...au naturale as far as womanly possible).
Then I added condoms to the birth control regime.
I could imagine our kid. Fondly even.
But I had NO desire or ability to live out the future realities I knew it entailed.
Circumstances (with my husband's mental health) when I wuz married caused me to deliberate seriously about getting my tubes tied (in spite of the jw warnings against playing god in this fashion!)
I asked around and learned a lot. Ultimately I decided,
it was just too final. I decided against it.
Didn't want kids, but didn't want the option taken away from me either.
Hm, I thought, Strange.
Love kids. Love 'em. Just never wanted any.
For many many reasons. Also don't want anyone else telling me that I should or shouldn't have them. I would vehemently defend my right to make the rational decision to not have kids. And I would vehemently defend other peoples rights to make the rational decision to have kids (like when my father condemned my step-bro and his wife for getting pregnant "this close to armaggedon")
Over the years I've watched many people have kids for many different reasons.
Arguably the dumbest reason ever imo is to save a dying marriage (aka to trap the spouse).
Poor kid iz a pawn even before being born.
I've watched many people agonize over wanting kids they couldn't have.
I've watched people grow and learn from their kids.
I've observed people adopt.
I've observed people step-parent and do a great job and some do a lousy job at it.
And I've participated in a whole gammit of child-raising scenarios.
Not long after my marriage ended, I fell really hard for a really good man.
The kid question took on a new perspective. Here was an actual "partner" in the whole endeavor. He even had a daughter from a previous relationship. And an excellent track record as a father. I still didn't want kids, but for him and/or with him, ("for him" being not a rational reason to have a kid imo) I would have considered it. Seriously considered it, for the first time ever. (anyway that never worked out...whole nuther story).
Now I'm at a place where I'm rebuilding my self and my life.
As I do so, I look around me and realize some of the beauties (instead of just the harsh realities) of *children* and *family*. Still don't have any desire to babymake, but then I'm not in a relationship right now, so why would I. Someday (probably a few years from now) I will seriously consider adopting. But wow, have I ever changed...from "I never want kids".
I used to be sure I never wanted kids.
Now I'm just sure I never want kids for the wrong motives or with the wrong partner or in the really wrong circumstances. Am I saying I would want it to be easy? No, perhaps I should clarify, now I'm sure that if I ever decide to have kids I would do everything in my power to give said kids the benefit of a loving healthy happy primary relationship and family thingy.....
Having and raising kids, building a family, is to me all about emotional, physical, intellectual, social, financial and spiritual well-being.
I guess ya do yer personal best with it.
Like my parents did. muahahahaha. Scary thought.
Not a decision to take lightly.
SPAZ (of the ok-i'm-finally-spent klass)
ps - Heaven...yours was a beautiful and moving post.
Edited by - SPAZnik on 16 November 2002 7:37:6
