Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread

by Seven 305 Replies latest social humour

Englishman

"A l'eau! C'est l'heure!!"
"'Ello..! Sailor!!!"
Sheesh, tryin' to get Americans to understand jokes...mutter, mutter..
Englishman.
..... fanaticism masquerading beneath a cloak of reasoned logic.
Caole

Hey...pretty cool, Englishman...and a lot easier to figure out than "Kaho Kabir chucha ghat bole. Bhariya hoe so kabahu no dole!"(If I remember correctly, it was you that posted this Sikh couplet, not?)
Caole

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back. "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
waiting

I got this giggle from JanG.
This is a true story....
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something's wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"Oldest trick in the book, son," I informed him. "You go in to see what's wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on thehead. Then they change into your clothes and escape."
"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom.
One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do. Call the professional.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, GROSS!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just GREAT!" what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
"Well, when my parents' dogs had puppies, I took them up to the grocery store ina cardboard box and gave them away," I recalled.
"So what are you going to do, go up with a pair of tweezers so people can pickout their hamster?" she asked. (Gotta love her!)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"A breach birth," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried again, with the same results.
"Should I dial 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with my females?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother murmured to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is "of her womb", for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, an epidermal?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, male hamsters will, mastur, er, er, ah..." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just ...just...excited?" my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my lovely wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless Manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "Just ... that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its ... teeny little ... " she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as I gave her a dirty look.
Moxy

told to me by a lovely pioneer sister one day in service (honest):
A man was stranded on a desert island with a horse. Eventually, out of desperation, he decides to find carnal pleasure with his only companion. Unfortunately, he finds the deed more difficult than he imagined, for the relunctant horse refuses to stand still.
Just then a beautiful woman, stark naked, comes walking up the surf. Eyes wide, the man turns to her and says, "Thank god you're here. Can you help me keep the horse steady."
mox
Caole

Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run:
DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
CHAIRS and RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything...just sit and stare.
HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for hampering":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you...ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills(monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards(annual activity), keep in mind the aim...to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off of the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help to develop their coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
PLAY: This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off of a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT TO DO THAT!" It fools those humans every time.
CAT GAMES:
"Catch Mouse": The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands...they are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!
"King of the Hill": This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303, which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account. WARNING: Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.
TOYS: Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a good toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys. Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors. Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your dignity.
PAPER BAGS: Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But...you can easily hear the crinkling noises that they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. NOTE: Any other cat that you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a sneak attack, which will usually result in a great tag match.
FOOD: In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half of the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food...convincing a human that you are starving to death and must be fed *NOW*, and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed:
a) When the humans are eating, make sure that you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.
c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.
d) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent...your food will usually not be so polite and will try to leave.
e) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part with. It is beneath the dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget that you exist. These include, but are not limited to...jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly, lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the direct stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.
SLEEPING: As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.
SCRATCHING POSTS: It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definate no-no!
HUMANS: Humans have three primary functions...to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.
Caole

Whooah...had to rest a bit after typing that one out...cut and paste just doesn't work sometimes. Waiting...lol...I've never heard of hamsterbation before I'll follow Moxy's lead...another island joke
A young single guy on a cruise ship is having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning, but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.
Sprawled on the shore and nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, who had also managed to survive this far, but she was unconscious and barely breathing. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing and conscious again.
She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "You saved my life!" He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!
Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. True Heaven on earth in the man's eyes.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks. "We have a wonderful life together and I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?"
"Sure," she says,"if it'll help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.
"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.
"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says. He takes off his pants and she puts them on.
"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction.
They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"
waiting

Hey Moxy and Caole!!!!!!!!
Thanks for the chuckles - I needed them!
As for cats, I *only* have one now. Not much personality, named Nermal. She allows me to scratch the backs of her hind legs - that's it. I have 3 dachshunds, who love to play with her and lick her. Problem is, she hates them and is not declawed. They charge her, lick her all over and then run for cover - 'cause she's gonna come up swingin' those claws. Every once in a while, I hear a yelp - she was faster than they guessed.
I used to have about 8 cats - all outside. They just seem to spawn now and again.
waiting
thewiz

Who is the most popular Guy at a nudist colony?
The one who can carry 2 cups of coffee and a dozen donuts!
bata-boom bata-bing
Who is the most popular Gal at a nudist colony?
The one who can eat the last 2 donuts!
bata-boom bata-bing
Please save your applause!
dubla

a man hears a knock at his door, so he gets up to see who the visitor is. upon opening the door he sees no one. looks up, looks down, nothing but a snail sitting on his welcome mat. frustrated, the man picks up the snail, and hurls it into the street...........six months later the same man hears a knock at his door, so he gets up to answer it. again he sees no one. looks up, looks down, and there sits the same snail who utters, "what the hell was that all about?"
aa

Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread

Share this