Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread (page 27)

dubla

a horse walks into a bar.....bartender says, "why the long face?"
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a priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar......bartender says, "what is this, some kind of a joke?"
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a baby seal walks into a club.

aa

waiting

Howdy!

Like the "snail" one - ya'll a welcome addition. Jokes are a great addition to the day.......any day!

As most lawyers, I'm human. Robert Mardian, Watergate Lawyer

waiting

Seven

*

Cowboy

Little Johnny asked his sunday school teacher "Is God a man or a woman?"
The teacher replied "God is both,Johnny"
Then Johnny asked "Is god black or white?"
"God is both,Johnny" answered the teacher.
Johnny thought for a minute,then said "So God is Michael Jackson....."

"I know there's a balance,I see it when I swing past"-John Mellencamp

Caole

Hey...good to see a couple of cafe regulars hanging out here Cowboy...I'm still swingin' past that balance Seven...You're a coffee drinker, right? You should appreciate this one

You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...

You answer the door before people knock.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
All your kids are named "Joe".
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You short out motion detectors.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You don't tan, you roast.
Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before, coffee during and coffee after.
Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.

Seven

Caole!! How are ya?? LOL@not waiting for the water to boil and not remembering my second cup.

Caole

Hey Seven...I'm great(thanks for asking)! I hope everything is well with you I'm getting the hang of "mostly lurker mode"...it seems to be the best way to manage my time...those speed reading courses come in handy(a fast browser doesn't hurt either). It's good to see the cafe's been busy lately(diverse too) Well, gotta run...take care Seven!

waiting

Howdy y'all,

The following is not really a joke - but I didn't know where else to put it - pretty good anyway.

************************************
Subject: Fw: did you know...

Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.

Q. What separates "60 Minutes" on CBS from every other TV show?
A. No theme song.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace.

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to count until
you found the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. There are more collect calls on what day of the year?
A. Father's Day

Q. What trivial fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.

Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

Did you know...The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV
were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear and smell better.

The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work is Alaska.

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to age eleven: $6,400.

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour is 61,000.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David;
Clubs - Alexander the Great;
Hearts -Charlemagne;
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.

If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.

If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "The whole 9 yards."

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the"General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games(MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Stars Game.

The nursery rhyme "Ring Around the Rosey" is a rhyme about the plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores ("Ring around the rosey"). The sores would smell very badly so common folks would put flowers on their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously), so that it would mask the smell of the sores ("a pocket full of posies"). Furthermore, people who died from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease ("ashes, ashes, we all fall down").

dubla

wow waiting, interesting stuff there, thanks.

aa

waiting

Well, thanks, jdubla,

Are you a jw from Louisiana or Los Angeles, by chance? I'm one from S. Carolina - nice to meetcha!

I love this thread - but this last one wasn't really that funny - but had a lot of *stuff* in it. Like, "wow, I didn't know that." Of course, that's not that unusual for me to say.......

Just join right in - the more the merrier.

waiting

Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread

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