Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread

by Seven 305 Replies latest social humour

• 

  Caole

  Hey Waiting(that's Northern for Hi ...stole that one from ya)

  I never valued her opinion much in retrospect.

  I can't say that I value her opinion much either...obviously, the poor girl suffered from fits of delusion(or maybe she was just kidding around with you...either way, we all know better). Say...what's up with the multiple personalities? You and Seven must be putting in overtime on the main board...did you ever see the movie "Multiplicity"? Funny show...especially liked the last clone...you'd have to see it to know what I'm talking about. BTW...what's a blond hussie?

  Hey Seven...awesome dog...when I saw the pic, I thought it might be a Siberian Husky(my fave). I think the malamutes are a bit bigger...obviously yours is off to a good start When I was in high school, our dog was part samoyed...part chow. A white dog with a purple tongue...cute dog. BTW...I updated the page where the "Reckless Daughter" posts can be downloaded...I think I've figured out why they weren't working right. I hope you haven't already downloaded them all.

  Another joke(go figure):

  A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued, and said that she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She said that there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.

  So...he took his costume, and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, decided to go the party. Her husband did not know what her costume was, so she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she was not around.

  She joined the party, and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor...dancing with every nice chick he could...copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. She sidled up to him and since she was a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry, and devoted his time to the new beauty that had just arrived.

  She let him go as far as he wished. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear, and she agreed...so off they went to one of the cars and had more than a little fun. Just before everyone unmasked at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away. She got into bed, and wondered what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and asked what kind of a time he had.

  He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

  Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!"
• 

  Seven

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  Seven

  Caole, Thanks for all the work you've done with RD thread. {{hugs}} Seven
  I use the 7of9 ID in chat.
• 

  Caole

  Hi Seven...hey...you're quite welcome Let me know if you find something that's not working, k?
• 

  Caole

  G.Q. (Guyness Quotient) Quiz

  Question 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

  a. Present it to the president of the United States.
  b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
  c. Take it apart.

  Question 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

  a. Innocence.
  b. Idealism.
  c. Cherry bombs.

  Question 3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

  a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
  b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
  c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

  Question 4. What about hugging another male?

  a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
  b. If you're performing the Heimlich manoeuvre. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
  c. If you're a professional baseball player and a team-mate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:

  (1) He is legally within the basepath,
  (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
  (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

  Question 5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

  a. A cat.
  b. A dog.
  c. A dog that eats cats.

  Question 6. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

  a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
  b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
  c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

  Question 7. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

  a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
  b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
  c. Tell her what?

  Question 8. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

  a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
  b. "They're in school already?"
  c. "There are three of them?"

  Question 9. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

  a. When it has turned the colour of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
  b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
  c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

  Question 10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

  a. He was being tested.
  b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
  c. He refused to ask directions.

  Question 11. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

  a. Democracy.
  b. Religion.
  c. Remote control.

  How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 9 on this test.
• 

  waiting

  oh.my.gawd,

  My husband is *c*. Pure and simple, notta-a-one missed. Well okay, the underwear one was close.....

  I finally told him that as I did his laundry, I was secretly *retiring" t-shirts and underwear that had holes as big as my fist in them. That was the acid test, imho. He just looked blankly at me and said, "well, I was wondering what was happening to them. ok."

  He felt it was rather a waste, but as long as I could put them to good use (cleaning up pee-spots from the dachshund pups), it was ok.

  A truer *c* never lived, except he doesn't wear a baseball hat backwards....often.

  Thanks for the insightful chuckle, Caole!

  waiting
• 

  toddy

  A man went into a pet store and asked to see what was available in parrots. The clerk showed him a parrot that had recently been returned to the store. The man wanted to know why and the clerk said the owner died and they had no one to take the parrot, but that the owner was one of J.W. The man agreed to buy the parrot and took him home.

  The next morning the bird started squawking loudly, "Time to get up, go to the meeting" Time to get up, go to the meeting" The man grumbled and threw a blanket over the cage. The very next morning the bird began again, "Time to get up, go to the meeting" Time to get up..." The man so tired and disqusted went to see the clerk at the pet store and threatened to bring the bird back if he did not stop. The clerk begged him to be patient that in time the bird would stop, although agreeing the man went home unhappy. A week had passed when the bird began every new morning the same way that he did the first day, "Time to get up, go to the meeting" This time the man no longer caring jumped up and grabbed the bird by the throat and slammed him into the wall. After a few moments of silence and dust and feathers settling the bird, dazed and confused looks up at the man and says, "NO blood please"....
• 

  Gopher

  Toddy,

  Very funny stuff! Welcome again to the board!

  GopherWhy shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
  Mark Twain (1835-1910)
• 

  Seven

  So, we're going to sit by while the cyber wrecking ball demolishes THE
  best humor thread in Dub discussion land. NOT!

  I may take some heat over this one as to the timing and appropriatness
  of it but if we've lost our ability to laugh then it sucks to be us. I hope not.

  Useful Phrases To Know When Traveling in Afghanistan and Iran
  (Farsi language spoken the these countries)

  Fekr gabul gardan davat paeh gush divar.

  (I accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.)

  Shomaeh fekr tamomeh oeh gofteh bande.

  (I agree with everything you have said or thought in your life.)

  Auto arraregh davateman mano sepaheh-hast.

  (It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.)

  Fashal-eh tupehman no degat mano goftam chesha yeh mohemara jebehkeshv arehman.

  (If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my
  country in public.)

  Khrel, jepaheh maneh va yeii amrikahey.

  (I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies traveling as reporters.)

  Balli, balli, balli.

  (Whatever you say!)

  Maternier ghermez ahlieh, gorban.

  (The red blindfold would be lovely, Excellency.)

  Tikeh nuneh ba ob khrelleh bezorg va khrube boyast ino begeram.

  (The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.)

  Author unknown. Intended to be a humorous story about being taken hostage by a terrorist group somewhere in the Middle
  East. The choice of languages is arbitrary. Written during the Carter Administration when international relationships between
  Iran and the U.S. were particularly strained.
• 

  Caole

  Hey Seven...I was wondering when somebody was going to revive this thread Thanks for the phrases...hope I never have to use them Here's a cute one I just received today...I had to edit it a little, or I would have to move it to the adult forum.