Spanking VS. Reasoning (page 7)

Dagney

This has been a very interesting thread to read. I'm old and was raised with a spank from time to time, mostly I think because I was a "smart aleck." I don't believe I suffered from it, and it certainly wasn't what some on here experienced... I remember my mom telling me that one time she saw me line up my dolls playing "meeting" and I would yell at them and beat the crap out of them, just copying what I saw at the KH. That clicked for her I guess that it was wrong.

I don't believe people had the tools and the understanding of alternative ways to discipline back in the day. Now there is plenty of practical advice and ways to to access it. I don't believe it is necessary at all to hit another human being. I think one of the "Nanny" shows was very instructive about discipline, and highlighted that when kids act out they usually just need attention. So she always had the parents make sure they scheduled undistracted/uninterrupted personal time for their kids.

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SpeedRacer

My youngest didn't respond well to my divorce from his mom. He was always wound up and constantly getting into everything. I raised both boys from the ages 5 and 9 . Michael was always getting his butt warmed up and it never seemed to do any good. You could reason with him all day long and he would go out and find something else to cause trouble. He didn't cause as much trouble later on after he became a teenager but he just wouldnt listen. He wasnt a mean kid just got into things. One Saturday when he was 8 his brother had a little honor society ceremony at his school the day before. They had a little lit candle each that they held up and it was something to remember. Michael on Saturday was out by the apartment pool playing with his brother and friends while I was doing laundry that morning. I walk over to the laundry mat and as I walked by the pool, noticed Michael and asked him if he had his dirty clothes in the wash yet. He said no and that he would get after it. I went to our apartment and was relaxing waiting on the clothes when Michael came in with a look of pure fear on his face.

Dad he said, I did something really bad. Not the word a single father wants to hear. Seems he was playing around the pool with this little candle and lit it. When I walked by he dropped it into the trash can afraid I would see it. The apartment trash cans were raised off the ground on a single pole with wooden slats holding a plastic trash can. He caught it on fire and burnt it to ground. They put it out with a super soaker from the pool.

Now I could have beat him but after seeing the look on his face I decided to play into his fear a little. I asked him if he knew what they called that and he said no. I said of course that is arson and they will have the cops down here to find out who did it. He did not leave his room for a week afraid the cops where going to put him in jail. Everytime the door bell rang he would hide in the closet. He asked me what he could do to stay out of jail and I told hm he needed to take it up wth the office. This little guy by himself walked into the office and confessed. He told them he would pickup the dog crap around the apartment for a month and he actually did. I bet he will never forget and it didnt take a belt. My son Michael has just put himself into his 3rd year of college and has paid all of it himself with help from scholarships. He has made the presidents list all 3 years. I have never seen such a change after he got out of high school and he is the best thing I have ever accomplished along with his older brother. Looking back I wish I had done things a bit differently regarding spanking.

Thanks for all the great comments,

Speedracer

GrreatTeacher

The problem, even when spanking seems to "work," is that you've just taught the child to obey based on fear.

People need to understand the reasons for doing the right thing, that it's beneficial for all parties concerned. And children are little people who need to be taught how to function in society.

Obeying based on fear of punishment is a primitive morality. Our goal should be to teach our children to do the right thing because it's the right thing to do, that it reduces harm and promotes wellbeing for all.

SpeedRacer

The problem, even when spanking seems to "work," is that you've just taught the child to obey based on fear.

I dont think the fear is the problem. Many times when we are out in our daily lives we base our actions on fear. Do I open the throttle of my bike and go between cars at 150 or does the fear of dying keep me from twisting the grip. It is a fear of consequences compared to a fear of the pain and hurt of getting hit. If you think about humans when they are hurt it activates a fight or flight responce. Does this mean when you spank a child he wants to either hit back or run from his supposed protector? Do you want to use pain to get your point across to someone who just doesnt understand?

Im just rambling here

Speedracer

Bungi Bill

The problem, even when spanking seems to "work", is that you've just taught the child to obey based on fear.

More than anything else, children learn by imitating both adults and other children. (i.e. "Monkey see, monkey do"). You can talk, talk, talk until you are blue in the face, but it is what they see you doing that makes the most lasting impression. Using corporal punishment to make them do what you want is the quickest way to teach children to do that very same thing. I have often observed this trait in persons who grew up in families in which (particularly) the father was a regular martinet, and in which the older children were often used to also keep there younger brothers and sisters in line. Not surprisingly, these individuals grew up believing that there was only one way in which to interact with other people, and this was:

"if ya don't do what I want you to do, I'm gonna bash ya."

A real intellectual approach to life.

Bloody great!

Bill.

cofty

I am still hoping that at least one person who has spoken in favour of spanking children might answer my question.

If it's ok to spank a child because they aren't capable of, &/or willing to, listen to reason, why is it not ok to hit an adult with learning difficulties?

flowerfreaks2

Yes we spank. We do the reasoning with first. He is 4 and really not grasping stuff that I think he should..... I know hes only 4. We do expect a lot out of him because I know he is smart. Attending pre school this year but already knows how to read. He knows the rules but when he breaks them too often, he gets hand on butt reminders.

There is a difference of spanking and beating your child. When I think of beating, I think of being really angry and no self control. With spanking on the other hand, I feel with us at least it is done in a controlled way, out of love. After the reasoning with didn't work in this particular issue/offence.

cofty

Really - you couldn't think of other sanctions that didn't include hitting a child?

Is this an American thing?

If it's ok to spank a child because they aren't capable of, &/or willing to, listen to reason, why is it not ok to hit an adult with learning difficulties?

rebel8

came to the meetings loaded with instruments of punishment

Oh yeah, I remember that. Sticking out of the bookbags so the children would see the weapon the whole time. I fail to understand how that could possibly be appropriate.

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Does anyone who was spanked as a child ever look back at it in a positive light? I saw we had one "neutral" response. Is there anyone who thinks it was the right thing to do and there were no other options? Just curious.

Spanking VS. Reasoning

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