Wow! Thank you everyone so much for the love and concern! My heart feels a little less heavy today because I could finally share my true feelings without feeling guilty or judged. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Just as a little bit more background on the situation with my husband. He has struggled with depression since he was a teenager. While I don't think it's caused by being a witness it is compounded a thousand times over by his feelings of worthlessness. He only got baptized as an adult so we could get married. I have shared quite a few things in recent months in the form or doubts bothering my conscience. (ie, we are all ultimately responsible before Jehovah for ourselves, but we are not allowed to decide what we believe. 'what if I don't believe x, I believe y. We are not supposed to do something that bothers our conscience, this is why they say it's ok the bethel family celebrated all those terrible holidays, they didn't know it was wrong so it didn't bother their conscience. ;) So what if it bothered my conscience to believe x. I shouldn't do it right? But I'll be ousted from the congregation. They may even 'clarify' it years later to y. But I would have been removed from the congregation already. That doesn't make sense!
I've also shared little nuggets but I need to be even more subtle going forward because I did over-share one night in desperation. He doesn't know I am on here or how I came to any conclusion I've reached. He didn't judge when I poured my heart out, in fact said he had a lot of the same questions years ago but he just 'trusts Jehovah will work it all out'. And if they're wrong about the blood or disfellowshipping then J will just resurrect everyone anyway, so no big deal.
I even likened the rules about every small little thing that is either outrightly not biblical (beards) to the things that should be conscience matters (um, everything else?!) with the lengthy rules the Pharisees had like washing to the elbow and how Jesus. Rebuked them for it. He agreed that the rules were stupid but that in Paradise are we really going to be sad that we couldn't celebrate birthdays or have a beard for a few years?
He has elders in his family so he knows a not about the child abuse issues a little. I asked him what if our kids were abused and they told us not to go forward to authorities and the same person molested more children? Wouldn't Jehovah hold US responsible? When Jesus saw the money changers in the temple did he quietly hide them within? No! He went up and flipped their tables and drove them out!
Anyway, Im starting to ramble. Long story short, thank you all for the support. Having here to vent my thoughts and speak with like-minded people will help me be more careful going forward.