Backseat Devil raised an important aspect that deserves reinforcing:
Through this extended torture comes callous hearts, apathy, lethargic politeness, and other issues that encase the exJW that prevents them from breathing, moving, growing properly. Think of it as keeping a butterfly in a jar. You remove the metal lid with holes, but place a wire mesh in it's place. They can feel the fresh air... they can taste the fresh flowers, but they can't actually MOVE.
PEOPLE KNOW THEIR FAMILY... and the how to react properly (however nice it is to post on behalf of a "friend"). But (as I've mentioned a few times) I have been out of that religion and HAPPY for 15 years and my mom and childhood friends STILL HOUND ME thinking that I'm going to come back at any moment. It has destroyed me as a person and derailed my career because there is no kind way to say "stop". There is no nice way to explain "you are killing me." Any soft heart shown is a wedge that means they can get you BACK INTO THE FOLD.
It's psychotic
Please understand... I am the extreme. But with strong religious groups of ANY kind, having multiple people in the religion causes them to feed each other and sirs them up. "How is so-and-so?" "oh i don't know. I checked her facebook. I think their falling into the wrong ctowd." "we should do something." and at your door they appear to "help."
JWs are raised to perceive themselves as the "victim", and the tendency often becomes an intrinsic aspect as an unconscious bias, whether in or out: that's EXACTLY what nurturing and manicuring the notorious "Xian persecution complex" is all about. The problem is, it's inherently egocentric, focusing only on the perspective of the victim, and forgetting about everyone else.
Backseat Devil's families are likely just as pained by being trapped between a rock and a hard place of what they're told they MUST do by the Borg for the sake of their family member, vs what they suspect in their hearts is the proper action. Point being, it's likely just as painful and difficult for THEM, and that's why they cling to hope that it's the proper treatment and give it more time, encourage each other that it IS the right course and it's only a matter of time until the person "wakes up" and repents of their sinful nature (the process of encouraging each other is actually "confirmation bias": of course, they call it "building each other's faith, helping others remain steadfast in the face of temptation from Satan").
Point being, it's incredibly easy to demonize them and blame them, when the entire social dynamic is dysfunctional; there are no 'perps', only victims who suffer from self-inflicted wounds and injury.
I wrote an article of how ex-JWs can break the dysfunctional cycle by refusing to play the victim and show pain, since it only provides feedback to them that shunning is causing the shunnee to feel discomfort, when no spit, Spar: that's exactly WHY they do it, and complaining of the pain and misery it causes only encourages them to keep it up! It only confirms and reinforces the message of the GB, it doesn't challenge it.
http://awgue.weebly.com/countering-jw-shunning-how-the-implications-of-stanley-milgrams-work-may-suggest-using-a-different-approach.html
Making a clean break by telling them you're not taking the bait, and delivering that message in no uncertain terms (and then sticking to it) is needed (depending on where you are in the process). I recently saw where Cofty did that, saying there's not a snowball's chance in Hades of him returning so shunning won't change anything. It's actually the most merciful for all parties, notifying them that you're not playing their game so they don't cling to false hopes.
Some ex-JWs go out of their way to "kill them with kindness" (although some don't have the 'extrovert actor' persona required to pull that one off).
I'd say anything BUT confirming that the shunning is causing pain and distress inflicted on the target is going to help break the cycle; don't misunderstand that I'm NOT saying it's causing the shunnee pain, but it's the old mantra, "Never let them see you sweat". It doesn't provide them the feedback that only encourages more...
Adam
