Soon to be 18 and quit speaking to her mother- suggestions?

by Sanysfriend 95 Replies latest members private

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  coppersgirl67

  Thank you Robert and jgnat....I have always reminded my daughters that only I love them unconditionally. I do believe that they would both fear losing their dad, grandparents and other frinds and family and know that would hurt. I have also often reminded them of the fact that we are to live under the law of love rather than a whole mosaic law covenant, i have told them of others df that also still get to speak to their relatives at least on occassion. I don't know of many but a few at least.

  Sierra has changed a lot and I think they have been driving the whole shunning thing like crazy this past year. For instance when she was 15 or so she would even watch an occassional R rated movie with me, she wanted to write and was very heartfelt towards those who suffer like I am. They have seen me put together events at the last minute to help those in need such at when Katrina hit, they watched me do walks to help those afflicted with mental illness and so forth. Rather than only thinking I have "Helped" by being a JW and trying to save everyone I remind them that there are many that need help now for the problems they deal with each and ever day. I wanted them to see that I care about those who suffer and I am willing to actually DO something to help.

  Sierra is very talented musically and can sing like a dream. I have tried to encourage her to develop it further if she so desires. She is also quite the artist and has far urpassed her big sister and her dad in her talents. She is somewhat a dreamer and doesn't want to marry right away...she wants to travel and learn about other places and people. I find this very hopeful for me in the future at least. I tried to take her on a little trip but she said she couldn't take the time off from pioneering...made me sick. She even went to Layne' bday party a couple years ago which shocked me, has open a xmas gift for him on occassion and the like. Things that most good little JWs would never do. I just think they have stirred up the whole shunning thing very hard this year and is has gotten to her dreaded conscience....and I remember what it was like when my own conscience would worry over displeasing Jehovah. I will look up these videos and books I have a lot to get cracking on but when it is all said and done I have to realize this is in her hands and not mine. I just want her to realize the freedom that we all are given so that we can have a personal relationship with God and not one dictated to us by other men!!!
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  coppersgirl67

  I am looking up the book that you suggested and it appears this is geared to all cults and helping them get out....is there much special reference to JWs specifially? I want to make sure that I get material that is going to deal with specific points from the WTS as well. Or maybe I just need a generic way of helping a young girl open her mind and think for herself? She just keeps telling me "Mommy you know it is the truth and Dfing is simple discipline with love to get you back in the truth!" But, I tell her I do not believe it to be the truth in fact far from it and God gave me the freedom to choose for myself so you need to let me do the same as I have for you!!! I don't try to tell her she shouldnt be JW I leave that to her....I just think it is wrong to quit speaking to me!!!
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  jgnat

  I have been using Hassan's techniques on hubby for over ten years now. I am now fairly accomplished at reinforcing his authentic self. It sounds like you are doing a lot of things right and I agree your daughters natural personality has been suppressed lately. Not much use arguing with the cultist. All they do is entrench.

  I would challenge her every time she says "you know". No, you don't know and ask her to explain in her own words.
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  coppersgirl67

  Yeah the one I hate is when she days "but the light is always getting brighter!!!" Ugh but then maybe I need to remind her that anyone or a group that wants to keep you entrenched in their way of thinking is always going to have an excuse so that you will not look outside the box and possibly question them and see the real light of things.

  I ordered the book you suggested and should get it a week from Monday....3 weeks before D day so I will not have much time to use any of the info. I will probably only get to see once or twice before she cuts me off and want some of that time to also be memorable and enjoyable if possible ya know. The more I read the more angry I get that I was raised this way, believed it and even taught it to them!!! Why oh why did I have to be such a good teacher!!!

  I didn't realize it but my boyfriend even sent her a plea by email to please call her mother because she is an emotional wreck over what she and her sister are doing to me...he also added that he is disgusted by their behaviour to their own mother. She never replied so not even sure if she reads her email or not. So not sure that I will even be able to forward some of the good material that I am reading on these various sites.
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  snare&racket

  I was being serious, parents raise kids in a cult then wonder why they are being so abnormal?

  it is a good place to start when considering how to manage it.
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  coppersgirl67

  I understand what you are saying and i don't wonder why because I was the very same way....just trying to think of something that made me wonder and mainly it was that fact that I did not see the true love that Jesus taught us....he loved everyone and helped everyone. JW's do not but don't know what other points to bring to her mind or do I just let her go and remind her that I love her and have a figurative funeral for one more child....as a mother I desperately want to save her, but as an individual I also need to respect her. Rock and a hard place is where I am at. I will soon be getting one of Steve Hassan's books, I write down points from the bible that I can try and reason with her or at least make her think but I doubt it will. I never expected her to turn on me like her sister....she watched my heartbreak with her and promised to never do the same. Even stating at one time that when the time came to marry she would get married somewhere else so that i could attend and be a part of it....I don't know why the change in the last year....can only assume the hard hitting talks and WT articles.
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  Billy the Ex-Bethelite

  "Yeah the one I hate is when she says "but the light is always getting brighter!!!""

  Actually, I LOVE when my parents used to say that, because it opened the door for me to respond with things like. "Indeed! The light from WT is ever brightening or changing or whatever you want to call it. All the bright light about the significance of 1975? Bam, after 1975 and no armageddon, there was new light and suddenly it was all about the 1914 generation that would bring armageddon before 1994 at the latest. All that bright light about the end coming before the end of the 20th century? Again there was brighter light issued in 1995. And then brighter light another couple of times before they created the new light about overlapping generations. The problem remains that this light will at any moment be replaced by 'brighter' light. It's all like shifting sands upon which you cannot build anything. I trusted their light, assuring me that I'd never get old in this system. Look at me. I'm old." After a couple conversations like that, my parents never use that line about the light getting brighter... as you can imagine.

  However, the roles are reversed with you and your daughter. Hmmm. What might I say in conversation with a teen that's brainwashed and hasn't experienced all the disappointment that goes will being a JW for decades? What if a teen daughter was telling me "the light is always getting brighter"? Maybe... "I agree that as time passes, we can all get wiser. Nothing brightens the light on reality than the passage of time. I certainly used to think that I knew everything. But with time comes new realizations. Some of the things I thought were so smart and so right turned out to be mistakes. I realize that your grandfather, father, and step-mother have told you all kinds of stories about terrible mistakes I've made. But that's the kind of people they are. Many of my worst mistakes have been to trust people that really only care about themselves. The important thing is that having you and your sister and brother were never mistakes. I never want you to be mistreated by people that will use the Bible and hateful words to destroy your spirit. I don't want you to suffer like my mother did. When you say "the light is getting brighter", I don't want you to suffer because you trusted in any instructions that are suddenly discarded and replaced with new light."

  ... is this going in any direction that might "click" with your daugher? You're in a very tough spot to be outnumbered by JWs who are probably love-bombing her like crazy right now.
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  jgnat

  Try this in the meantime. In the few weeks you have left focus most on avoiding triggering the cult response. Be neutral on anything Witness related and change the subject back to your girl, her interests and dreams. How often do you talk now?

  http://youtu.be/sw-oF-Z_I7U
• 

  ABibleStudent

  coppersgirl67 - I am looking up the book that you suggested and it appears this is geared to all cults and helping them get out....is there much special reference to JWs specifially? I want to make sure that I get material that is going to deal with specific points from the WTS as well. Or maybe I just need a generic way of helping a young girl open her mind and think for herself? She just keeps telling me "Mommy you know it is the truth and Dfing is simple discipline with love to get you back in the truth!" But, I tell her I do not believe it to be the truth in fact far from it and God gave me the freedom to choose for myself so you need to let me do the same as I have for you!!! I don't try to tell her she shouldnt be JW I leave that to her....I just think it is wrong to quit speaking to me!!!

  Hi coppersgirl67, DITTO what jgnat said about avoid triggering your daughter's cult persona and focus on her dreams and interests. Since your daughters are "Spiritually Strong" (non-thinking) JWs and you do not know how to counter most WTBTS thought-stopping platitudes, it is better for you to practise helping other JWs to learn to critically think for themselves using Steve Hassan's methods before trying to help your daughters.

  To overcoming shunning by JWs, please read the thread that I started: Shunning: How would You Overcome it?. To overcome your daughters saying "it is the truth and Dfing is simple discipline with love", just tell your daughter that you love her unconditionally, ask her to show you in the Bible where Jesus shunned Jews and/or did not associate with non-JWs, and how long she is willing to shun you while missing out on important moments that you could share together.

  If you want to learn more about the fallacies of WTBTS doctrines, I would visit www.jwfacts.com or start another thread asking for advice for more detailed questions. Unfortunately for your situation, your daughters could easily say that nothing that you tell them matters because the WTBTS has the "Truth". Cognitive dissonance can be a real B__ch!

  Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

  Robert

  Edited: I forgot to also recommend that you talk with Steve Hassan or one of his coaches by calling 617 396-4638 and paying ~ $100 for better advice than most JWN members can give. Steve Hassan has helped JWs to critically think for themselves. What would helping your daugthers to critically think for themselves be worth - PRICELESS!!
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  jgnat

  The site has a questionnaire quite extensive. Filling it out can be quite revealing. Perhaps fill this out before you call.