I just can't do this anymore

by Awen 82 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Awen

    Dear Friends:

    For years now after my exit from the WTBTS I have searched for God. As I have previously mentioned in other threads I looked into many other religions, including Druidry, Zen and Tibetan Buddhism (not really a religion), Asatru, Native American Shamanism, Kemetic Orthodoxy, Gnosticism and Pandeism. What I have found is amazing similarities between them all as far as their moral codes go and some similarities in their origins and personalities. I mention this because with the exception of certain differences between the archetypes for the most part they are the same religion.

    For years I wondered why the God of the Bible blatantly ignored most of the world and only focused on one small nation of people. Then at the slightest sign of disloyalty he's playing whack-a-mole with their lives.

    Yahweh seemed to be a very bloodthirsty God (see the link for a detailed account). I couldn't understand why the rest of the world was just ignored and prophets sent to only one group of people, unless of course that wasn't the case at all. To the Hebrew people the world was very small and so the accounts in the Bible as Yahweh being the Creator of the world made sense. But in our modern age we know the world was much bigger than the ancient world, including yet to be discovered continents. How do we reconcile this? How can the other people of other countries and continents be reconciled to the Hebrew God if they had never heard of him, or how could he rightly hold them accountable if he never bothered to contact them (send prophets)? It just doesn't add up.

    Pandeism seems to answer this question.

    Then we have the problem of the Bible. The Bible is not a unique book. Many ancient texts claim to be the sole "word of God". The Qur'an, the Apocryphal Books, the Dead Sea Scrolls, The Egyptian Book of the Dead (the Book of Going Forth By Day), the Sumerian texts, and the list goes on and on. Many stories in the Bible are obviously borrowed or even plagarized from much older texts. An example would be the Ten Commandments being an almost word for word copy of the 42 Purifications from the Egyptian religion. Not really surprising when you consider that according to the Exodus account many Egyptians left Egypt along with the Hebrews (if the account is even true) and may have had a hand in their writing. Consider also Moses had been raised an Egyptian and would know these laws by rote.

    Then consider the personage of Jesus Christ himself. As has been pointed out in other threads there seems to be little or no evidence of a man like Jesus who existed in the 1st Century. Most everything about him seems to come from his followers. There is not one text (to my knowledge) that was written by Jesus himself. Then consider certain accounts in the Bible. When Jesus was praying in the Garden of Gethsemane and the Apostles were asleep, who recorded Jesus words to Yahweh as is found in the book of Mark? Since Jesus had been taken away shortly after that there would have been no time to relate it to his Apostles. One could reason that he told them after his resurrection but the account of the resurrection wasn't added to the scriptures until some 300 years later (according to some sources).

    Then we have the problem of the NT itself. Most of it seems to be geared towards the people of the times. Even Revelation is written to the then existing seven congregations in Asia (seems like a small number for all the work that Paul did). Yet later John says he was "in the Lord's Day". The problem is that the book being written in symbolic language makes it as unintelligible as the Nostradamus Prophecies. It could mean any span of time. Many times Jesus says "Look I am coming quickly" to the seven congregations, yet 2,000 years later we are still waiting.

    Now some on these forums (myself included) have said many parts of the Bible cannot be trusted as it's been altered. The question is then, which parts can be trusted and how can one tell? So if it can't be trusted then why quote from it? If we throw the Bible out all together then what basis does anyone have for believing in anything that is written in it? It just doesn't make sense. basically it's being said to read the Bible, then trow it out and rely only upon your relationship with Christ. Well here's the rub. How do we know for a fact that the deity/spirit that we're in contact with is in fact Yeshua? It could be anything or anyone pretending to be such.

    One thing that has bothered me is reading the thread where people spoke about praying to YHWH and getting no answer. I tried to figure out why this must be but couldn't come up with a satisfactory answer and be able to keep my faith. Then consider the immense unfairness of this world towards those who follow Yeshua and YHWH. One would think that IF they cared at all then they would at least look out for their own. But history has shown this isn't the case at all (the Inquisition, The Holocaust).

    Then we have the Biblical accounts of burning bushes, ravens feeding people in the wilderness, a global flood, a marching band causing walls to tumble down, an unrecorded eclipse, the sun standing still so Joshua could kill more people, etc, yet NONE of this stuff happens anymore. Those people were supposedly given miraculous signs, whereas we today are given a collection of books who's authorship is questionable and a bunch of wars in the name of God. It seems to me that Yahweh was nothing more than a localized deity (much like Ra, Daghda,Shiva, were in other places) and his worship only spread because Christian missionaries used the sword to "convert" people. Had it not been for their efforts, many civilizations would still exist (the Celtic Druids for example), but because of their efforts to convert others, entire civilizations were wiped out. yet no word from heaven about any of this. We're all still waiting for an answer.

    Were it not for some of the spiritual experiences I have had over the years, I would just chuck spirituality out the window and pronounce myself an atheist. I can't deny my experiences as being "in my head" but I can deny that there is something rotten with Christianity.

    For myself I must apologize to everyone on these forums for promoting Yeshua. I have talked about "hearing" his voice in my head. But the truth of the matter is, I really am not sure who/what it is. Part of me wants to think it's Yeshua (Jesus), BUT when I was into paganism I still heard that voice. Given that the Bible is against witchcraft, this doesn't seem likely. I guess that I'm still holding onto some of the Wt teachings in regard to the 144,000 and other things. I feel SO stupid.

    Also I have to admit that I have been back and forth on this issue many times. Perhaps it's time to finally admit that I simply don't know. There are too many prayers that have gone unanswered and I have seemingly wasted away most of my life on something that leaves me with more questions/doubt than answers.

    So I guess what I am saying is I'm done with Christianity and all that goes with it. The things supposedly taught by Jesus (showing love to others) in the Gospels are wonderful things, but many books say the same things.

    Oh and please don't send me any PM's regrading this issue. If you have something to say about this post, reply in this thread. I'll ignore ANY PM's sent to me regarding this issue. You know who you are.

    That is all.

  • leavingwt

    I admire your honesty.

    -LWT (also a member of the Church of I Don't Know)

  • mrsjones5

    There's no shame in admitting that one simply does not know. :-)

  • still thinking
    still thinking

    Awen....It sounds like you are where I am....'I don't know' seems to be my motto at the moment.

    It's a very freeing place to be...but also confusing at times.

    Like you, I still believe in God because of experience. Who that God is, who Jesus is, how other religions are interrelated is baffling me. They seem to be connected. So why the differences?

    I suspect people are the problem...as always using religion and belief to benefit themselves. So they try to make themselves different and special. So religions become different and special...I don't see any of it having anything to do with God.

    So, now I'm left with me.....and God. Thats ok. Much more simple is suppose. But how do I have a relationship with God...I don't really know. Maybe I trust that he will show me? Maybe I keep searching like I am now? I don't know.

  • NewChapter

    Awen, I wish you well on your journey of discovery. It never ends.

  • Mickey mouse
    Mickey mouse

    I don't know either. I'm quite happy with it.

  • AGuest
    There are too many prayers that have gone unanswered and I have seemingly wasted away most of my life on something that leaves me with more questions/doubt than answers.

    That can be understandably frustrating, dear Awen (the greatest of love and peace to you!). But it is how it is sometimes. If one is "following" God/Christ because one needs a "payoff" now... versus simply out of love... one might find themselves feeling "lost." Because it's not a "rose garden" one is called to traipse through, truly... but a "torture" tree/stake/pole one is given to carry. Not all can carry such a "heavy" load... and that, too, is understandable. I have never heard that all must; I have only heard that all SHOULD... live the Law [of love]. Even then, not all can. Not all can fell trees... not all can man a whaler... not all can build a house. Not all can type a letter, send a text, or solve a math problem. "Hard" or "easy"... not all can do what others can... and do. Each one has to decide... for themselves... what they can and cannot... will and will not do.

    Certainly, no one should serve God if doing so is a "burden"... and no should claim to BE serving God... if they deign to burden others. It does not work that way. The Most Holy One Himself is a God of SERVICE... and takes joy in serving those who love Him... and serve HIM... with joy. He does not want murmurers and grumblers (something Israel just couldn't understand).

    As for the similarities in religion, please do not despair too much. Of course there are similarities: Abraham, the progenitor of Judaism (and, "christianity", though not as the world knows it)... came from the "east"... and so any modes of worship that he learned there would certainly have gone with him to Canaan. There is, therefore, a common thread... or threads... running throughout religion, yes, absolutely. Because, remember, there was only one "form" to begin with... and as man travelled he took his outlooks, POVs, perceptions... and form of worship with him. Was inevitable. So that shouldn't be so confusing, really. Not really.

    I cannot speak for others who call themselve "christians"... who say you MUST believe "as" they do... or things similar. All I can say is that you have always been kind to ME... and such "love" is sufficient. Whether shown to me... or anyone else. Love... covers a multitude of transgressions, so...

    May YOU find peace in your life in whatever manner YOU need to do so... and may JAH bless!

    YOUR servant, still... and always... and a slave of Christ... always,


  • Bella15

    Don't feel bad, life is beautiful... it is matter of faith when it comes to God... believe in something that cannot be seen or proven but that you know that you know it is real for you ... even Jesus felt forsaken by the father (sorry if this comment is offensive right now), emotions like yours are understandable ... I go up and down whenever I see the bad that goes on in this world ... I still believe and I make reference to Jesus feeling forsaken because once I was feeling like you ... wondering what's real, where's God, has he forgotten about us, gee, thousands of years, generations after generations of Christians waiting, not just Christian believers, other people and cultures in the past have looked up and waited for someone to come back ... it is a fact that cannot be denied ... and I cannot explain it but I know what happened to me ... in my despair of those doubting days I was taken to Isaiah 49, specifically this part

    " 15 “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
    and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
    Though she may forget,
    I will not forget you!
    16 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;

    This is reference to Jesus ... his hands bear the marks/engraving of the nails ...

    Sometimes the more we search for answer the more confused we get ... I have learned to stop and just look up the sky, take a deep, deep breath and let my spirit say a little prayer ... not my will, but your will...

  • DarioKehl

    nice post, awen.

    Losing your religion is a gut-wrenching experience. It feels like you're on a runaway train or a sailboat in a storm without a captain at the helm. All that vastness of "not knowing" is very intimidating. You have my empathy. You've read many "holy" books in your quest, but may I suggest a few others you should look into? They're very well-written, easy to understand and will turn even more pages in your awakening mind. It's never bad or wrong to examine all sides of an issue--and you've done well so far! Try these:

    "The Black Hole War" by Leonard Susskind

    "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins

    "The God Virus" by Darrel Ray

    and view the following YouTube channels:




    I'm interested to hear your analyses of these! Have a good weekend.

  • JustThatGirl007

    I don't know, either. And that's ok with me. I may never know.

Share this