Its good you are gonna get help. You can build a life outside of the WTs grasp.
A wise woman told me once, when I was teetering on the edge of suicide, that since I was not afraid to die I should think about what I AM afraid to do and then do it.
And so, I left my abusive husband, enrolled in college, and started checking out other religions. That was 8 years after leaving the JWs. 4 years later, I feel so much more in control of my future. It was so scary to face my JW parents afterward. But, it all turned out okay.
You are in control of your own destiny! Do something scarier than dying: LIVE.
As Granny on the board. I have to say,When I was Disfellowshipped ( for not believing 1914)
I too thought about suicide.in fact was ready to jump under a bus..And from around the corner
walked a young fellow.So I decided against it ,because I am sure he wouldnt forget it.
Since then....I have had support groups,& over 700 have used it.( with the help of others)
So Dont let those ideas creep into your head....In about a few months ,life will look up...
So now my lad!!!!Listen to Granny,make a cuppa tea, & then decide you have a great family
on here & we dont want to lose you
I went through that cycle when I was 17.
Organised myself a job a thousand miles away, packed my bags and disappeared without telling anyone I was going, or where. That got the buggers out of my face.
Take care Comrade
Much less painful and extreme ways! In all seriousness though, I would just exit and move on to somethng more positive in life.
Things seem bad when you are in the middle of the problem. If the meetings are leading you down this dark path then for you own health and well being stop going. Step back and buy yourself time and space to think.
Death is not the answer life can be better it really can there is so much more out there. Some people on this board have been badly damaged by this stupid cult and yet have managed to build better lives. It takes time but it is worth it.