You ever go through extended moments where nothing satisfies you, to the point you wouldn't mind dying?

by miseryloveselders 73 Replies latest jw friends

  • miseryloveselders

    Don't get me wrong, this isn't a call for help or anything like that. I'm not about to do anything stupid, just feeling a little down and exhausted tonight. I feel defeated, even though I don't feel as if I'm battling anything. I guess thats partially true, as I've been physically ill for the past few weeks or so. This past week, I finally caved in and emailed my PCP, and she put me on an antibiotic, so I'm starting to get my health back. The weather might be playing a role as well, maybe I'm having a bit of seasonal depression, I don't know. We were slammed with snow yesterday and last night. Tonight and through tommorrow, we have a serious cold front coming through. So I'm not planning on leaving the pad anytime soon this weekend, with the exception of the meeting this Sunday so long as I'm not still coughing excessively. You know, I'm actually looking forward to the meeting this Sunday? I guess I'm at the end of my rope.

    This mood I'm experiencing, I can't really blame it on the JW crap, as its not really whats affecting me at this time. I'm just really unsatisfied with life right now. I can't seem to find pleasure in too much of anything. Had I known this is what reaching your early thirties was about, and I had the option of an off switch with no emotional hangups, or repurcussions, I'd consider it. During my lunch break today, I walked through town, and the world just looked wicked to me. I couldn't even find the crazy or homeless alcoholics entertaining. I enjoy conversing with them usually. Surprisingly you can learn some interesting things from the outsiders of this society. Their teeth might be missing, their clothing smells like funk on steroids, and they may be winos, but they do have some insight worth considering, and great senses of humor. Today, I just didn't want to hear it.

    I went up to an ATM machine, and took out ten dollars, the bill ripped, and the machine sucked back in one half. I thought to myself, great. Thankfully the bank was open, and the tellers have access to the machine. So I explained the situation to this teller, and she responded that if the other half is in the machine, she'll see what she can do for me. Otherwise she stated, I'd have to file a dispute. I'm thinking, yeah whatever. While she was doing that, I struck up a conversation with a security guard working the bank. I asked him, whether or not he gets any action. He smiled at me and said, "hell yeah, I do. I'm not a bad looking fella bruh." I clarified what I meant with him, "thats not what I meant. I mean as a security guard, do you get any action in here. You ever have to handle a situation in here?" I guess I disappointed him, being that I didn't want to discuss the Romeo side of his profession. By that time, thankfully the teller came back with the other half of my ten dollar bill. She took my half, and then gave me a crisp new ten dollar bill. I always wondered how they handled these situations. I shook the security guard's hand and wished him a good weekend and went back to work. Any other day, I would have loved to engage him just to see how far he'd go exagerating to me about his romantic prowess. But, not today, I wasn't in the mood.

    Earler this evening, I was browsing through some old comic books which I've always loved, and I just tossed them across the room. Megatron threatening to eviscerate Blitzwing as thoroughly as he did Starscream, just didn't bring a smile to my face. I tried drinking a beer, and it tasted gross, as if urine would have been more to my liking. I fried a pork chop an hour ago, and it tasted foul to me, I might as well have attempted eating it raw. With the exception of discussing Cibulkova with Minimus earlier today, even beautiful women have me going, meh. I feel like even if Cibulkova was in my room right now, and there for the taking, and begging me, I'd ask her kindly to leave. I tried reading the Bible, and found it to be insufficient. I went to my Edgar Allan Poe collection, and his words which usually delight me, irritated me in this instance. Right now I'm finding some comfort in my bedroom being dimly lit, with a cup of tea. I'm looking at a bottle of Xanax, and Ambien, and I haven't touched either in a couple weeks. I kinda want to tune off and out tonight, as in black out, and not wake up until preferably 10 to 10:30 am. Matter fact, I think I just found my outlet, kind of like running into an old genuine friend who never lets me down.

    Let me ask you, and I feel like I've done this same thread a million times, but let me ask you, you ever go through this? Particulary those of you who supposedly did what you were supposed to in the way of adult responsibilities, did life ever become a drag in your thirties or forties? If it did, was there anything that brightened your outlook?

  • Snoozy

    My 52 year old daughter is having severe empty nest syndrome right now. Her one boy entered college last year and her daughter entered this year. her husband travels a lot so she is left alone. She used to be quite active as they have a Limo company and a tanning salon on the side besides his regular job. She had to quit because of her illness.

    She is the one that has Lyme disease and it has torn her emotions up. She finally is seeing a therapist but only every other week..I wish it were more often. She has a horse and loves to ride and groom him but he is in a stable that is almost an hour away and the weather hads been too bad.. The lyme disease stops her from doing a lot of things she would like. She is finally considering taking antibiotics by injections as she has been on orals for over a year and her progression has been slow although she had become to me at least 60 percent better.

    I can understand if you have been Ill and how it can play on your well being and even affect the way you think. Give the meds some time to work and see how you feel then. And maybe a sunny day or two..

    We all have days where everything bores us, at least I have, but it always changes a day or two later. If it continues more than a week or two then I would seek some help. No one should have to go through llife feeling that way.

    We here have 10 inches of snow on the ground and are expecting snow tomorrow, the next day, the day after and so on. To excape the boredom I may go clean my car off ..just for the fun of it..or possibly the bathtub..

    Maybe you should take in one of those homeless people, seeing their eyes light up at all the food you probably have and the soft bed and covers and heat/warmth and TV and computer..he will probably be so happy he will cry.

    Snoozy..who lives alone and talks to herself a lot...

  • Robdar

    I cant say that my life has ever become a drag although there were times it was more interesting than others. I think we all experience the blahs now and then.

    I think you are feeling this way because you have been sick, and you may be having withdrawal symptoms since you haven't taken your xanex in a couple of weeks. Withdrawal symptoms can include suicidal tendencies and unfortunately that is what happened to one of my friends. We still miss him.

    Please contact your psychiatrist before your symptoms worsen.

  • jamiebowers

    It sounds like you're slipping into a major depression. Please go see your doctor. And, no, it's not typical to feel the way you do during the 30's, 40's, or any other age for that matter. From what I've read of your posts, it seems that your whole life has been derailed due to your involvement with the Watchtower. Learning the truth about the "truth just makes the derailment loom larger now.

    You're young and sucessful. You should be dating, forming friendships and looking for "the one" to settle down with and have a family. Instead you are constanly feeling guilty and second guessing yourself about ordinary everyday subjects like your relationships with co-workers, your lack of buddies with whom you could have a good time, and the girl you have a crush on.

    By the way, why do you have sleepng pills and Xanax?

  • compound complex
    compound complex

    Yes, MLE, we all do.

    Don't want to talk about it now - you already described the mood - but some days nothing satisfies. With the exception of seeing an old friend today and that cheered up both of us. Like Snoozy, I'm alone and deal with going it solo hours on end. I am learning to go with the flow. No panic. No rash thoughts.

    Being a vegetable is all right. And then I have periods of extreme activity. I'm a writer and getting some stuff published, but so what. Now I'm empty of ideas and desire to create.

    Attitude. It's just attitude. For me, anyway.

    I'm OK.

    Hope you feel better soon,


  • tec

    I think I understand what you're saying. Sounds like you're feeling almost indifferent, but with bouts of irritation in between. I think you need something that will 'spark' something within you. Learning new things does that for me for a while - though I don't always realize what my problem is until I find that something new and learn it.

    Perhaps just floundering, directionless, has something to do with it also. We tend to be filled with purpose when we make a decision and carry it out... but the process of making that decision can be torture.

    (I am not advising against seeing a doctor about depression either, though)


  • AudeSapere

    Yes. And I went to therapy for it. When it got really, really bad I was on meds. Hated the first prescription. The second was OK. Haven't used any for about ten years.

    Also, you mentioned winter weather for a few sentences.

    I am in no way trying to diagnose you, but the weather comments made me think of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Could be making things more difficult for you.

    It may or may not relate to you, but some of the 'fixes' might help elevate and/or stabilize your mood.

    I am interested in other comments that you may get.


  • brotherdan

    ust feeling a little down and exhausted tonight. I feel defeated, even though I don't feel as if I'm battling anything.

    It's these sort of posts that make me feel so close to you misery. I know that you don't like how I've acted in recent months. But I have this odd kinship to you. I think you are trying to do the right thing. The ONLY support that I've gotten is from God. You talk to a lot of atheists here (and I am not saying ANYTHING personally about you guys) and that tends to affect your faith somewhat. But at this moment, I can only attribute my faith in God in helping me get throught his hard time. Am I fooling myself? Perhaps. But my faith has stayed strong because of talking to God and being dedicated to Him. That is hard to do while being a JW and believing it to be false. But you can do it. I have nothing but respect for you and what you are doing right now. I wish I knew you as a friend.

  • GOrwell

    I know what you mean 100%. I've been that way for a while now. If you've watched the Pirates of the Caribbean, it seems like I've been cursed, with nothing that satisifies. I'm not interested in any hobbies really, am not interested in trying anything new. I have very few IRL friends, and without a solid family relationship, I'm not sure where I'd be. In fact, I recently described hobbies as simply things to fill in the time before you croak. I can't help but describe the feeling as nihlistic (perhaps existential). Maybe it's a lack of direction, so I've been looking into going back to school. Still looking for answers..

  • clarity

    Doldrums, dear Mle ......... doldrums.

    Kind of like a boat on a high sea with full blown sails, racing headlong ............. and then the wind dies ..............

    You remember the line "you are the wind beneath my wings"?

    Well, sometimes we lose the wind. We lose our focus and at those moments, can't see a purpose or the goal.

    Yet again, life will irresistably offer new goals, that will draw us into a vortex of surprising discovery! Watch for it.


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