Agree with Pistoff. Play their silly rules against them.
Definitely getting DF'ed now
So do you think you'll attend the inevitable committee meeting, or will you let them DF you in absentia?
NVL, I just saw this thread...
Sorry to hear of your problems. I had a big ole long post to try to help but I decided against it.
You know how to get in touch if you need anything...
Take care and keep us posted...
It depends what you really want to happen and how far you are prepared to go to get it..
All I can say is that IF you sucked up to the elders and told the truth...that the "marriage due" was denied you, and that you are now sorry for infidelity...and if you said no more about wanting out of the religion and explained your comments as rash words spoken in anger.... I think that you would get a lot of support from the elders ...A wife is supposed to forgive and make up if at all possible especially if there are children.
Whatever you do, you have our support.....
WOW! I began to comment at length, but seeing 6 pages of comments and advise, I elected to keep it simple:
- Put on a dog and pony show - pretend to 'come back to Jehovah'.
- Begin to assemble a plan to keep your kids out of the cult - you know them, you know what might work the best.
- Find a helluva lawyer who can find a way to make you the primary custodial parent. Lay the groundwork for what looks like the eventuality that you will be facing. All in secret of course.
- Find a way to expose the children to all sorts of culture, education, ideolgy, philosophy, art, science, sports. Create in them a desire to investigate everything for themselves and never take anyone's [yours, your wife's, the religion's] word for anything. Encourage critical thinking without calling it that.
Be careful. This slope is very slippery. Think like a rescuer - you are the only one who can keep the kids out of eventual acceptance of the cult.
As far as 'I don't have any friends' - well, maybe not in the classical sense - but lean on us.
Peace/Namaste to you and your children
I agree with Dark Uncle...if she sleeps with you that is an act of forgiveness for anything that came before it.
I like your new honesty policy. It sucks right now, but you were torn up over this for far too long. I'll bet you already feel some sense of relief. I don't have anything "wise" to add, just, as others have said, be a good dad and a good person and life will take care of itself. All the best to you and your family.
Good Lordy (may you all have peace!)... but is there NO integrity in this place? What in the WORLD happened to one being accountable for one's actions? Are we SO "ascared" of the WTBTS that we can't/won't stand up and "be a man"... tell the truth... and SHAME the Devil? Are we really to be SO self-serving that we will say whatever we have to, even paint a somewhat innocent spouse in a bad light in order to avoid our own discomfort and consequences?
Golly, I have such a different viewpoint of some of you, now. I still love you... but I feel sad for you.
Should we beat dear NVL down? No. Should we let him off the hook? No. Should we tell him the truth? Of course, we should. Even if it hurts. We OWE him that much. Should we forgive him? Of course, we should! Who are WE to judge and hold anything against anyone?
But... he's a grown man... WITH CHILDREN... and here some of you are suggesting he do/say things that he really shouldn't even be able to look his children straight in the eye about afterward. And what of his children when THEY start to lie and contrive and manipulate about THEIR conduct? Can he TRULY set them straight?
NVL... seriously, dear one... I can imagine that my response angered you. That was NOT my intent at all, and so I hope that if that was the case you have moved past that and can see that what I am telling you is the truth: you should tell the truth... even to your children. ESPECIALLY to your children, in a way that they can understand it, now. Then, tell them again, when they're older. If you do, then you won't ever have to change your story. Sure, they'll be hurt. This kind of thing hurts. But they will RESPECT you for it... if not now (and I think they will now), then later. They will KNOW that you didn't lie to them... or on their mother... and you WILL gain them. When others start to lie ABOUT you... and they will... your children will know the TRUTH.
As for the others, the elders, in laws, etc., do you really CARE? Really? If these are people that you CANNOT be truthful with... do you REALLY care if they continue to accept you? Why would you even want to be a part of folks like that?
As for your wife... if you want to keep her... grovel. Seriously. To the extent you can. Let her know how "low" you will go (i.e., "I won't go back into the WTBTS, but I'll pretty much do whatever else you want")... and then stick to it. Then the ball is in her court. But do NOT lie to her to make her stay with you. You have given her grounds and if she wants to use them... then YOUR love for HER... should let her. Because you gave them to her. No one made you.
If you don't want to keep her, well, there you go: you've given her grounds (which I suspect you wanted to do anyway, or at least to "shock" her into some kind of action/reaction. And it looks like you've succeeded).
But to go further and now create falsities because you don't want to let go... or be let go... will only make this matter worse on SO many levels. You're going from infidelity to even greater deceit and attempting to keep someone against what would be their will if they knew the truth. That... is NOT love; it is self-serving. And virtually everyone here would be INCENSED if there spouse had an affair, openly confessed it to them, then lyingly denied it in front of others as if they were the "crazy" ones. And how do you think she will continue loving you, respecting you, wanting to be with you, if you now go and deny you told her anything? Seriously??
C'mon, dear ones - our job is to be here for NVL as he goes through what might be a tough times ahead. To comfort him and support him, yes. But "comfort and support" does NOT mean enticing him to LIE... to his wife, on his wife, or to his children. That is NOT our job. And I cannot believe some are even suggesting that. Wait, no, yes, I can. I truly hate that I can... but I can.
Ah, well... again, peace to you all...
A slave of Christ,
I think NVL wants to go the honesty route. I think most everyone else is advising him not to. He also defended his wife when someone called her a *b*, and admitted that despite his 'reason' for the affair, it was still wrong on his behalf. But I agree, if he wants to save his marriage, then telling the elders that he never had an affair when she knows that he did - well, that's not exactly a 'saving the marriage' route to go, either. I don't think he's choosing this route though, anyway.
Maybe I misread something?