Fight with wife over watching Avatar escalates to near-separation--true story

by sd-7 108 Replies latest jw friends

  • elderelite

    SD-7, I am using my last post for the day on your post. It touched me deeply. The fact is my wife and I were on the same road. As my screen name implies I am an elder, although not when my wife and i were married. I was an MS though. It was never good enough. there was no level of theocracy I could attain to that would satisfy her. It wasn't until I started feeling like I didn't care about her one way or another that things actually got better. She was simply put too young and immature to get married, and frankly I was no better. It was three or four years of living hell. In the end when I started to handle things as I saw fit and didn't give a damn about her reaction things calmed down. I was doing my part to feed into it by arguing with her. Now, after many years and a lot of focused effort to keep cool we can talk about things. She didn't want me to take our son to see avatar when it came out. We talked for a hot minute about it and I left it as unless she could give me some solid reason not to see it it was personal opioion and I was fine with it. The fact that they were blue was no different than if they were green or yellow or black or white. we saw it, she got over it. end of story. Don't let her desire for a fight ruin your life. You can make a decision and move with it. Remind her that as a Christian woman she is subject to her husband. or does that only apply when it convenient? lol just kidding i have used that line and it never seemed to go over well. The truth is you need to be patient with her and kind. Recognize that you cant control her but you CAN and SHOULD control yourself. In all things. Watch what you want. go where you want. Invite her to join you. let her know she's important but live with no regrets over things you missed out on just because of her. thats only my .02 but it saved our marriage in its own way. You say you are not fit to be "head of the family".. that only true if you believe it. There is always more than one way to get something done effectively. As husband, pick the best way for your family, and roll with it. She can get in line or not but at least you and your's will be MOVING FORWARD in the best way you know how. That is the essence of being a husband IMHO. Perhaps you could read up on dogs. Dogs have a great social structure, including both a Male and Female Alpha. Read the book that the movie "never cry wolf" was based on. It describes the best example of a family head I have ever read. The Alpha male kept order but did everything possible to protect and care for the pack. He even sacrificed himself when the time came. He never abused the pack, he worked within the bounds of what could only be called love. He treated the young ones with compassion and understanding while still being the "boss" when needed. no one is born a good family head. it takes time. please work on it and be paitent with yourself. build your self confidence. dont rely on her for a pat on the back. you can do it. It was profound for me to learn from the humble dog. perhaps it will help you. We may now turn the thread over to all the woman so I may be bashed as sexist and misogynistic

  • Psychotic Parrot
    Psychotic Parrot

    Wishing you were dead is not a sign of a happy life.

    Ah, welcome to the thread Captain Obvious, so glad you could make it, have a seat, make yourself at home!

  • mrsjones5

    Ah, welcome to the thread Captain Obvious, so glad you could make it, have a seat, make yourself at home!

    Too freakin funny! lol

    We may now turn the thread over to all the woman so I may be bashed as sexist and misogynistic.

    Wow, you just love to show your arse, don't you?

  • finallyfree!

    Sounds like a carbon copy of my marriage which ultimately led to me leaving the org. I'm telling u its no fun. I literally detested going home, like you, a prisoner in ur own life. I cut her out and I cut out the took a little while like any major surgery recovery...and its good to be free. Besides making stupid mistakes which I can only blame myself for and which are human (not cuz I don't have the spirit of the wts with me) Take the time to think things through, lay out a gameplan and go for it without looking back.

  • jwfacts

    It is a tough situation to be in. You survived leaving the cult, you will survive leaving her if it comes to that, and you will find someone to share your freedom with.

    Now this is someone who never made much more than minimum wage and quit her job 1 month after we got married. So how exactly is she wearing the pants?

    She is wearing them alright - it is just that you are paying for them.

  • brizzzy

    She's being manipulative and self-righteous. "Jehovah's rules" and all that blah-blah weren't hugely important to her when she was having premarital sex with you, or when she was throwing her "husband and spiritual head" under the bus. You're right, it's not at all about Avatar being a good movie or not, it's about the principle of the thing - she knew what she was getting when she married you and she has no right now to go all psycho asking you to change who you are and give up everything that you enjoy.

    Every time you backpedal when she pulls a stunt like this, it tells her it's OK to treat you this way. She's counting on breaking your spirit with her threats so that you'll eventually cave and become (or at least pretend to become) the person she wants in order to keep the peace. I'm not saying "be the man/head of the household and tell her that as her head, your final word goes", because I believe that marriage partnerships should be equal, not a headship arrangement like the WT puts out there. But DO stand up for YOURSELF, because the way things are now, it's NOT an equal partnership, and it's not ever likely to be.

    In my opinion, if she threatens that she "doesn't want to be under your headship anymore", then you should call her on it. Don't try to convince her otherwise, just say "fine" and start packing your stuff, and then FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT. I doubt it'll be what she's expecting, and then SHE'LL probably be the one to backpedal and try to draw you back into the drama, but don't do it. Know when to walk away. She and her baby can mooch off of the JWs (and they will, until she finds the "perfect JW" sucker that she's looking for). You, on the other hand, can go to fantabulous therapy or something and eventually move on with your life and be happy and find someone sane and rational without all the cult/brainwashing baggage. You can't save someone who doesn't want your help.

  • TheListener

    I'm passive aggressive and it ain't pretty.

    She locks the bedroom door at night? That's not cool. What if you just wanted to stand over her and stare at her while she slept?

    It feels easier to stay and stick it out and blame yourself for what's wrong. It feels easier but is isn't. You need to get a professional counselor to talk to so you can get this stuff off your chest and get some seriously professional advice.

    Always feel free to vent here.

  • NiceDream

    I'm sorry you're facing this right now. Your wife isn't being respectful, gracious, or loving. Picking a fight about Avatar is just a cover for a deeper issue she's struggling with and trying to hide. If you wanted to try and work things out, please see a marriage counselor.

    If you try and get counseling and your wife isn't cooperative, I would move on with my life because you deserve to be happy too. There needs to be a mutual respect in your home for it to work well. If she can't respect your beliefs and you as a person, how is she living up to her marriage vows? It sounds like her "love language" is quality time (from the 5 Love Languages book). For her to feel connected to you, she needs you to talk to her and share your feelings with her everyday. You do a lot to help out around the house (which is amazing!), but she doesn't see it as an act of love from you, she just wants your attention. I'm not sure if that will help fix your marriage, but that book may be helpful.

    I wouldn't committ fornication to "free" her to remarry either. That would just prove to everyone what a "bad" person you are, and you're not a bad person. She can deal with the consequences for not wanting to work things out. Don't give her a scriptural divorce so she can have her cake and eat it too.

    It sounds like you still love your wife, and I hope that you are able to come to a mutual understanding, and that she can show you respect. If she can't, I hope that you're able to find someone who really loves you and treats you right.

  • not a captive
    not a captive

    She pulled the ring off? Said she doesn't want to live under your headship?

    Ask her to write an outline of what she expects---

    she doesn't know.

    This cult makes everyone go out of balance.

    You'll go crazy if you get sucked in. You half way believe it, do you think?

    Seriously figure out where you are with your faith--don't let her jerk you around by your guilty short hairs. She pulled the ring off--let her see what it is like --and you too. Give it a rest--and get some counseling.

  • serenitynow!

    "There's nothing left for me now but to wait for death"

    Are you suicidal? You should go see a therapist or psychiatrist. This is not the end of the world, you can get through this. Just because this woman does not love you/treat you well does not mean that you can't find someone else who will.

    "She deserves better than a life of sorrow with me. I failed her, dishonored her, betrayed her. I don't belong in her life. Maybe she can find someone better who will take better care of her in Jehovah's way. "

    Okay it sounds like both of y'all made some really bad choices. Don't make her out to be Mother Theresa, cause she ain't. It sounds like she is not the least bit interested in saving her marriage. If you think she would go for it, see a marriage counsellor. If not go ahead and separate. And why commit adultery so that she can remarry "scripturally?" You end up looking like the bad guy, and you're not really doing her any favors by absolving her of culpability for the deterioration of your marriage.

    And when you talk about her being able to "find someone better who will take better care of her in Jehovah's way," are you kidding me?! She doesn't deserve that because it don't sound like she has tried to do anything Jehovah's way. All this unhappiness she's experiencing, she had that coming to her. So she has a husband who is providing for her, stayed with her despite her going out and getting pregnant with another man's child, and she's acting stupid? You better get out of that, you'll see that there are plenty of women who would appreciate you and not treat you like she does.

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