Fight with wife over watching Avatar escalates to near-separation--true story

by sd-7 108 Replies latest jw friends

  • yknot

    I get what Lady Lee and Jamie are saying.......

    But until he reaches a place where he wants to sever ties, I feel it is as equally important to try and help him achieve his goals.

    (I was a zealous JW wife once too)

  • teel

    I feel your pain sd-7, I hope you will see better days.

    You read part of my story in my other thread, so I'll be short: Lady Lee's thread 'Til death do us part' contains some good advices. I always felt the wedding wows contain much more than the regular 'don't screw around', in fact I feel one can be unfaithful without ever sleeping with someone, or even the other way around: there can be cases where sleeping with someone doesn't make you unfaithful to your spouse. 'Faithful' as a word tells of a story of intimacy, sharing, caring for the other, and it's not constrained to sexuality.

    For some time past I felt somewhat like my wife cheated on me, not with a person, but with an organization. Some people can live with an unfaithful wife, some people don't see it as unfaithful, all is up to you and your conscience. I felt my wife was much more the WTS's wife than mine, and it seems you are in a very similar position.

    Try to understand your feelings first, to know what would be the best course.

    she was afraid that the demons might attack her or the baby (especially since the baby can't pray for herself, she said).

    bet her weekly bible study was on demons. She is motivated by irrational fear (can't think where that's coming from), is emotionally abusing you as she hasn't lived up to the unreachable standards of her own religion as a result of her own mistakes. It's not your fault - it isn't.


  • darth frosty
  • undercover

    sd, my friend, I feel for you...

    I understand your wanting to try to keep the marriage together. You feel you weren't totally honest going into it and you feel some guilt over that so now you're willing to take some abuse as punishment or something.

    But that isn't going to work. Your wife is unbalanced, even by JW standards. And you're afraid to stand up for yourself.

    If you really want to try to make the marriage work, you, both of you, need professional help from a marriage counselor. Now, if her cult indoctrinated mind does not want to do that, then that is your cue - time to end this sham of a marriage and move on.

    This deal is eating you up inside. And it's no good for her either. You have to find a compromise (though I'd say you've been bending over backwards so far). If that middle ground can't be found then there's no reason for both of you to be miserable. Better to cut your losses and move on.

    And forget the WT rules on adultery and all that. You're not a JW, you don't have to answer to them or play by their insane rules. If your wife is unwilling to work to make this work, walk away and live your life.

    Whether your wife agrees to it or not please get professional help. We may understand the JW aspect of all this but we, well, most of us anyway, are not professional therapists, we're just people reacting to your side of the issue. You need professional, unbiased help.

    I wish you the best... Please stay in touch and keep us up to date on your progress

  • JediMaster

    sd-7 man. I really don't know what to say. Except, that my heart goes out to you. I could really feel through your words how much pain, confusion, and sadness you're going through. I almost cried, (being the whimpy crybaby that I am, I probably would have had I not been at work). I've never been married, but was madly in love once. And when things got bad, we still tried to make them work, and in the end, we only brought more pain to each other. Things, ended pretty badly. Just be honest and try to asses the situation, it might be better to just let go now before you end up hating each other. I myself, suffer from depression and constatn feelings of helplessness. And from your expressions towards the end of your post, I think I understand pretty well what's going on in your mind. But you're not alone, we're always there. You can tell from all the other long posts, how much people here care about you. They all took the time to read through, and try to offer some kind of comfort or advise. I know how easy and appealing it is sometimes to just call for death. But then a new day comes and you'll always find something worth living for. If you can, try to take that vacation to the pacific, try to get away, forget about everytying for a few days and clear your mind. You'll think of something, even if doing that something might not be easy to do. Another poster mentioned how you'd already survived leaving the WT, as we all know, no easy feat by any means. So you can pull through this, don't give up. Let us know what you need.

    Jedi Master

  • tec


    My husband wanted a divorce over sand in the sliding patio doors once - because I allowed the children to keep a sandbox in the backyard. He usually wanted a divorce with each fight (which was often). I handled it the way you did. I ignored it, or on a good day, I laughed it off. Because you're right. It IS insane.

    But one day after his usual 'I want a divorce', I called work to make sure I could switch to full time hours. I called daycares to find out prices. I did it all in front of him. Then I also went down to work to discuss those options. Soon as I got back, he had changed his tune. Laughed at himself that he got so worked up over a bit of sand. Because I scared him, of course. Ignoring the threat or laughing it off enabled him to keep using that threat. Calling him on it made him think about the reality of it.

    Now on to the rest:

    You sound emotionally abused. Making excuses for your abuser (I don't care if she's a woman and you're a man); blaming yourself for hers and your unhappiness; trying and trying, but never being able to satisfy her; etc...

    I've been there too. Never quite as low as you are, mind you, because I never truly believed that I was always in the wrong. But my husband is also one of those people who is never satisfied. Once I realized that, I just started doing the things that I believed were right and enough, and let him feel however he wanted.

    It's a struggle. Some days I regret not leaving him; some days I think its worth it to keep trying. I know he had a hard childhood, that he lived on the streets since he was fourteen, and I'm not trying to make excuses, just to understand. But the difference I can see between my husband and your wife is that mine will acknowledge that he's been wrong. He'll even do whatever I say to try and fix things - such as family counseling, which we'll be starting next month, after twelve years of marriage. He just needs someone to stand up and show him, and I just don't always have the courage to stand up and demand that he listen.

    But you need to stand up for yourself - even if that's just acknowledging that the problem here is hers. I'm sorry, because I know this is a matter of the pot giving advice to the kettle. But if you're going to stay, you need to learn to stop letting her make you feel worthless. I agree with everyone else about the counseling. You're low enough that you need it. You don't seem able to see beyond what she is making you see. An outside, professional, opinion will help.

    And please remember - Your wife betrayed you by turning you in. You haven't betrayed her by changing. People change, during their whole lives. Its called growing.

    On a lighter note, my husband used to throw all my clothes out of the bedroom to keep me out (even though that was kind of cutting off his nose to spite his face ) My advice to you on this, if you prefer to be more passive aggressive, would be to remove the lock on the bedroom door while she's at a meeting. Or remove the door altogether. Don't engage her in an argument about possible rapists if she starts in on that. Just tell her that if she wants the lock or the door back, then she doesn't get to kick you out of the room.

    She's taken away your confidence, SD-7, and without justification. You need to get that back. This is an absolute must. So I'll repeat that counseling (even if its just you) is the route to go.

    Please seek that help.


    (Oh, and don't commit adultery for her sake. That's bad for both of you. She can't learn to be anything better, and you'll feel even worse.)

  • snowbird

    No words ...


  • serenitynow!

    "Or remove the door altogether."

    My mother used to do this to me. Spent alot of my childhood with an unhinged door.

  • Scully

    If my husband locked me out of my bedroom over watching a movie like Avatar or some other petty trumped-up bull$h!t that infringed on my fundamental rights and freedoms, I'd have grounds to charge him with physical, mental and emotional cruelty.

    You pay the rent / mortgage, correct? She doesn't work, correct? You are financially providing for her child that was fathered by someone else, correct? And she has the nerve to lock you out of the bedroom that you pay for????

    She's the one who needs to stop biting the hand that feeds, clothes and shelters her and her offspring. She needs to get a job, get her baby-daddy to pay child support so the kid can be in daycare (and off your payroll) so she can work, and she needs to move out of YOUR house and figure out how easy she had it under your "headship".

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