sd-7 is barely holding it together now. Going back into the madness would be sheer suicide.
Fight with wife over watching Avatar escalates to near-separation--true story
As an Elder I completely agree with the last two posts. SD-7 being reinstated is not the issue. the obligations between husband and wife do not end with someone being DF'd. Whatever his state or her state with the congregation they are married and should act accordingly. In the short time I have been here I have come to Love you yknot, but I completely disagree with the carrot thing here also. There is no carrot for a selfish woman like that other than to give her exactly what she wants all the time. And by give her what she wants I mean to act, think, do and say everything, all the time as she would have it. The sad part? even if SD could do that she still wouldn't be happy because she is not happy with herself. I think yknot is looking at this through the prism of reasonable and understanding woman. This is a self absorbed child, not a mature woman. Jehovah does not want nor need people to be in this organization to please a marriage mate. I understand why some have made the choice to stay because of a mate. That's where I am right now myself. But my wife and I get along well and its a calculated sacrifice on my part. This thing with SD is not a calculated matter but emotional black mail. Paying black mail never resolves anything, it only encourages more black mail.
I know it must make you feel better to have dozens of strangers who don't know your wife bash her on a message board for you but in real life, the life you have to live on a daily basis, it accomplishes nothing good. You're not going to change her and she's not going to change you. Only she can change her and only you can change you.
"I can't afford counseling" is a cop-out to avoid MUCH needed counseling. You're going about it all ass-backwards. Quit trying to fix your wife and your marriage before you fix yourself. Get help and learn how to be a strong and confident man. It wasn't that long ago when you were preparing for your JC, collecting facts, studying the REAL truth about the Borg, and you KNEW you were right and you were relatively confident going into that room. Where's THAT guy? You still know the same things but you've let them beat the confidence right out of you? Or was the confidence a facade at the time? I don't know. I just think that until you can get your head together you can't even start to work on the marriage.
Get out while you can. I did.
I hated the control and manipulation of the person who in public appeared to be submissive, yet at home wanted to control my actions every moment. You are scared because the org has imprinted fear on your consciousness. Perhaps a trial separation will help you see that you can do this.
And I second the idea: no need to do the "horrible adultery" route. You CAN simply break up, no need to do the dirty.
Amen, Mad Sweeney!
Mad has it right. You can't fix your wife, you can only work on your own issues. Find someone to talk to or you will be saying the same things to everyone 20 yrs from now. If you stay in the org you must submit and do it their way. There is no room from critical thinking. They are not going to let you just coast and not come to the meetings.
ynot said: The fastest way to regaining her trust and opportunity to 'wake her up' is by reinstatment. If I can sit through this crap every week, so can he. This is not forever but enough time for him to get her out or come to terms and let go of the situation.
Sorry ynot, I can't agree. A good friend of mine used to post on here. He had been DF'd for years and his family, while not shunning him completely, had no problem whatsoever about excluding him from family gatherings, and he was only allowed a very limited amount of interaction with his grandkids. When he was at his lowest, his self-righteous daughter came over and instead of comforting her father, she instead ranted at him for 'abandoning' them and Jehovah and started in with the "is it really so bad to have to give up some of your time if it means keeping your family?" She then came up with the idea for him to fake a reinstatement. He decided to try it even though he expressly told his wife, his daughter and his son in law that he hated the religion, he was an apostate and that after he was reinstated, he wanted to do The Fade. They all agreed that that was fine. So these holier-than-thou Witnesses hypocritically helped sneak an 'apostate' back in. To say how much they claim to love Jehovah, it makes me wonder how they slept at night pulling this shit.
Fast forward to now. My friend who got reinstated never did do The Fade. Why? Because his family made it clear to him last year that they had never had any intention of letting him do 'the Fade' and figured he'd re-embrace 'the Truth' once he was back in. Their message was clear: If you stop going to the meetings, they will not associate with him. So he still goes to all the meetings. Hell, they've even broken him to the point where he goes out in Field Serve-Us now. So much for it not "being forever". sd-7 is an extremely emotional person, just like my friend is. His wife knows this and she knows what buttons to push and what to threaten him with. By going back, all it does is make the JW's believe that if they hold out long enough and treat you bad enough, you'll eventually cave and have no choice to go back.
So while I understand how much sd-7 is hurting, telling him to 'return to the vomit' is not going to accomplish anything, except give his wife the upper hand.
Going back is negotiating with terrorists.
While I usually stay away from "personal" threads like yours these days, I've been intrigued by a number of your posts. In some ways I suppose you remind me of myself, the good and the bad.
Your newfound curiosity about the "outside world", while I'm sure very genuine, reveals a person who has been so guarded and confined it is almost hard to imagine. I suppose that later on in life you probably are going to look back at this moment with some embarrassment, realizing how truly underdeveloped you really are. This, at least, is how it has happened for me.
As I stated in a post in one of your other threads, I think that much of your problems have to do with the issue of mutual support within the marriage. Your wife is not getting the support she feels entitled to (namely, a good JW husband), and instead has to deal with a person that appears openly hostile to her comfortable belief system.
Do what you feel is right. All I know is that once I realized that my wife needed support (which led to me actually providing it), her own exit from the Watchtower came rather quickly. It also appeared to me to be the right thing to do, regardless of its effects. It's a marriage after all, and compromise should go both ways.