All wise words. I will give them thought.
Scully, you probably could've condensed your description of Elsa in The Last Crusade--not that I mind its length, but I definitely get what you're saying (and I guess you probably know I've seen it like a million times!). I was half-expecting you to add further with Indy trying to get the Grail himself, and his father finally saying, "Indiana. Let it go." But that's a good example.
I know this fight wasn't about Avatar, really. It is hard for a person like me to face the fact that I really am being abused by this woman. That's like....a pretty upsetting thing, to know that I come home to someone who is abusing me--and doing so with JW impunity. There's been a lot of that handed her way, actually. Would they really be telling her to stir up the pot? Naive to think they wouldn't, I suppose. It is war, after all, and unlike me, they will not hesitate. "Your compassion is a weakness your enemies will not share."
But I'm fine. I mean, terrified, and exhausted, and depressed, but fine. ... You know, it occurred to me sometime ago that I legitimately felt afraid of her sometimes, a lot of times. I'd have panic attacks sometimes, I think. It also occurred to me that...why am I afraid of the person who's supposed to comfort me when I'm afraid? Isn't something wrong with that? Why am I letting someone abuse me?
I think I'll have to talk to her about all of this. I'm still so scared. I know it seems really stupid, but I have lived with so much fear in my life. Afraid of my parents, afraid of elders, afraid of girls, afraid of God. Afraid of my true self, even. Suppressed it every time, that true self. As I once wrote about it in a story, it said to me, "Deny the truth again, my friend. But just like me, it comes back, more real than ever."
It's just...this is going to be so messy if we part ways. But once it's over, my life would be a whole heck of a lot easier. ... With what she's said, really....is it reasonable to keep working on a patient who has been declared dead? Would be time better spent on an autopsy or on a salvageable circumstance. What she said, not wanting to be under my headship anymore, is as direct a verbal divorce as can come from a JW wife. You can't smooth that over, and it wasn't said without careful thought about the reasons.
Knowing that, it probably makes sense not to have sex with her anymore--which doesn't seem to be a meaningful alteration of our current situation, but...at least I said it. And...to begin making the preparations for what has been considered unthinkable for so long. But as always, the olive branch must be extended before anything else is considered.