Yesterday and this morning proceeded with the quiet cordiality of people gracefully circumventing reality. Last night was a 1:00 a.m. bedtime for me. Perhaps I will go back to parents' house tomorrow to wash clothes.
Am not going to cheat. Sexual feelings are the cause of this problem to begin with. Have always hated them.
Still have antidepressants at home, quite a few of them, but to take them--though they're still good for consumption--would be suicide. The extreme drowsiness is a side effect that an already exhausted person cannot afford. Would definitely fall asleep behind the wheel and harm myself or others. I stopped taking them abruptly to avoid that particular danger.
Can't afford counseling. Wife would never do that with me anyway. She thinks ex-JWs are convincing me to hate her. Was paranoid when I went to therapy before.
By the way, I'm not for gory scenes of violence in film, either. Some R-rated films I'm just not curious about for that reason. Avatar wasn't any more violent than any other PG-13 film I've seen in recent years.
You know, in December 2008, I wrote a short story about all of this. In it, my archenemy issues what amounts to a prophetic warning not to bother with her. "Why not let sleeping female dogs lie?" he asked derisively. I allowed myself to forget that all this time, that character, who through my therapy in the past, said some extraordinarily insightful things, things I wasn't ready to face, was always right.
It's all repeating itself. We went through certain tensions the first time we were together. I guess...with all the fear and guilt put upon me for dating her at that time, I couldn't see anything clearly. And I was just glad that someone liked me. So many had rejected me. ... I allowed it all to limp on even back then, and then she broke up with me.
I remember that she asked me that night about my first girlfriend, a girl I never met in person, but spoke to on the phone a couple of times and wrote many letters to. She asked me if I still loved that girl. Hadn't spoken to her in years, but I said yes. It was then that she dumped me, December 15th, 2004.
I spent every moment since then hoping for her return. It is clear that she felt no such hope, none that had any meaning. I suppose I tried to replace her, but replacing her with an equally unstable person proved foolish. And she herself, the one I wanted, turned out to be very different from what I'd hoped for.
There was a strange moment, though, in the aftermath of this fight. As I sorted through my Kindle, I realized that she also opened that .pdf file that had the letter that cracked the WT ice for me: from the UN DPI/NGO, about the Society's status as an NGO and what exactly that involved. Did she read the letter? I'd told her about it, though I didn't show it to her, before we got married; her response was that perhaps some individuals working for the Society, acting alone, had done that and that now it was resolved. The timing of that Awake! article, fulfilling the requirements stated in the aforementioned letter for NGOs, however, just didn't seem like coincidence to me. The Society acting as a press agent for the wild beast's activities? There was no reason to do that that anyone could rationalize, in my opinion. I tried talking to her about Crisis of Conscience before we got married; her only response then was, "Is that going to upbuild me or strengthen my trust in the brothers?" So I let it go, tried to go along with it. I suddenly remembered all that, just now.
It may be time to confront this. Sometimes when things are said, you just can't take them back. She doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I don't even know if she even had any emotional reasons to do so, in hindsight. It never got that deep for her, as it did for me.
JediMaster, I keep hearing that Palpatine quote in my mind, as if the organization is saying: "You do know, don't you? If the Jedi destroy me, any chance of saving her will be lost."
It was always about her. The last 5 years, all of it was about her. I went to therapy to deal with losing her the first time. I miss my therapist so much. She was really wonderful to talk to. I could afford it before I got married. I ponder the irony that my wife's birth control costs half the price of a therapy session every month. And the irony of her taking birth control, though it's not for the contraceptive purposes (it's not like we're actually having sex, 26 days since last incident), is not lost on me either.
Is it really over? I'm...on my own, alone. Family thinks I'm insane for questioning the religion. Wife doesn't really care anymore. The only one who at least hasn't learned conditional love yet is the baby. She still smiles when she sees me. Wife is confident that her daughter will love her unconditionally; she doesn't understand that raising her a JW renders that quite impossible. Many here can testify to being shunned by their kids, I'm sure. Would've liked to see the kid grow up; I'm sure she's going to be a beautiful young lady someday. Wanted to raise her as my own, offer her a path, an exit if she ever sought to take the red pill someday.
Wife was surprised to hear the Sept. 15th WT quote about it being impossible to have a relationship with God without the faithful slave. But she quickly reverted back to ad hominem--"Do you just read the articles to find out what's wrong with them?" she asked. I don't think she deserves to be awakened to reality anymore anyway.
But I told myself this was a suicide mission when I volunteered for it. So I can't abandon it. It will destroy itself in due time, and some remnant of sd-7/Christopher might survive. But a part of him will not return, will be burned away. And it's okay. That part volunteered to die. And it will be honored for its sacrifice.
Was in grocery store last night, and Outlaw's words kept echoing in my mind as people were walking around me, cutting in front of my efforts to kindly let others pass me in the store. My whole life has been letting people run over me. I know too much, have been through too much, to keep living like that.
By the way, if you're readin' this, zoiks, I got your message from Jamie. Appreciate it.
Unfortunately, have missed lunch break. That sucks. Well, I'll make it. I've got legal services if...it comes to the worst in this. I hope it doesn't. This has been a political, economic, and emotional disaster, this past year. Need to create order, devise a system to defend against scenarios like this. Need to make sure it never happens again. Need to be safe again.
Appreciate all your support. It's been one heck of a week. Mom said if I left the JWs, I'd be left with nothing. But I shouldn't fear that. It beats living a paradox.
By the way, you make some excellent points, Scully. I felt too much pity for her to treat her that way, but given how old she is, one has to wonder if maybe some 'tough love' would've prevented this kind of behavior. Given her alternative life, working minimum wage, most of it going to day care, riding the bus everywhere and not having someone who could go get groceries or clothes in her behalf or...a life partner, for that matter. I think about all that and wonder, what's not to like? What did I do wrong? Just the apostasy, and I'm just worthless now?
Doesn't matter anymore. Things will work themselves out in due time, maybe sooner than I think. But if we do part ways, I will be left with no other option but to divorce ASAP. Somehow, I can see this whole case playing out on that "Divorce Court" TV show. Man, that would suck...anyway, I will exhaust all alternatives before even considering that. Much is at stake, and I need to be sure that everyone in this has as fair a chance to negotiate peace as possible.
There ARE clinics and practices that offer free therapy, or counselling on a sliding scale based on your income and what you can afford. My best friend has a degree in Human Services, and she told me about the national 211 call center. You just dial 2-1-1 and they'll refer you to all of the local services for whatever kind of therapy you're looking for, either free or based on a sliding scale. You just need to call and ask. I did that last year and the therapist they hooked me up with helped me tremendously.
Since you seem to identify very strongly with heroic fantasy tales, I'm going to respond to your last post with a similar analogy.
In Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Indy was working with the beautiful, intelligent Dr. Elsa Schneider to locate his father and locate the Holy Grail to keep it from the Nazis.
What Indy didn't know was that Elsa was double crossing him - hoping to get Henry's diary in order to turn it over to the Nazis, with whom she was already collaborating. She was using him, because the Nazis gave her something she wanted for herself: power and privilege within the Nazi regime.
Your wife is using you in the same way. She wants status within the JWs. Having an Apostate™ for a husband, despite her own flaws, gives her a kind of martyrdom within the JWs that money just can't buy. If she picks fights and arguments with you over trivial things, it gives her gossip fodder to discuss with her JW cronies, to garner their sympathy. They will in turn talk about what a fine example she's setting, encourage her to continue the mindgames with you, so you can be demonized even more, and widen the "spirituality gap" that she is engineering between you. To her friends she is becoming more and more elite as the faithful JW wife of an Apostate™. She's gaining more and more status within their ranks at your expense.
Now, you know the Nazis (the WTS) are evil. You are fighting against their lies and deceptions. She prefers the lies and deceptions over the truths you know and are prepared to share with her. In the process, she is willing to destroy you in order to continue to gain status within the JW ranks.
In the end, Dr. Elsa's greed for power and personal status resulted in her demise. She didn't acknowledge the warnings to leave the Grail in the temple, to keep it out of the hands of those who would abuse its power.
Do what Indy did: listen to the wisdom that's being offered. In the end, Indy couldn't hold on to Elsa - she desired the power and status more than she cared about her own safety. Save yourself.
SD-7, my heart goes out to you. There is NOTHING anyone on this board can do to help. You are in deep. This is not a her being a JW thing or you being DF"d, and dont you EVER think it is. That is a foolish thought. She is who she is. and she sounds very selfish. very hard to have a loving relationship with that as the foundation. And the fact is, until YOU decide to take action we can encourage you and push and prod but thats all it is. You have to decide to act. I wasted a lot of time trying to help a woman get out of a physically abusive relationship. She just ended up going back because she was not ready to leave. You have to be at peace with whatever you do. Whether to stay or go or watch avatar or not you have to decide and then seek the help to follow thru on that decision. My heart truly goes out to you. For whatever it is worth to you, I will pray for you.
Repetition for emphasis:
What Scully said.
This board is kicking today!
Scully, you rock!