Dear Hereiam,
First of all....((HUGS))...
Second..."WELCOME" to the forum...you have come to the right place to find friends and comfort!
I would say that your feelings of anger are VERY normal. The fear of your family finding out is normal too. Losing your faith and not being able to pray has also been the experience of many here. I agree with the advice of others, you do need to tell your husband. Remember your a team. He can comfort you, and help you regain your faith. Many "throw the baby out with the bathwater" so to speak when they leave because they are so confused. What you need to remember that Jehovah and Jesus love you, and will never leave you unless you leave them first.
Leaving the organization DOES NOT mean you have left them. As Jehovah's Witnesses we were brain washed to believe you cannot possibly love Jehovah unless you love and are part of "his" organization. So when many leave, they feel lost because deep inside they still love God, but don't feel they can pray anymore because the organization has made them believe that way. Inside they feel isolated from him because they feel he will not hear their prayers because they left "his" organization. I hope you don't believe this, but if you do, it is critical that you realize the organization is based on lie upon lie. How could God possibly approve of such an organization? We know how much he hates Saten, the "father of the lie". I would highly encourage you to read Crisis of Conscience. This book will help you see how the organization really operates at the core with the Governing Body. As it is written by a former Governing Body member. It will blow you away!! You will see that it is truely just a book publishing company claiming to be run by God...it will become quite clear that its not.
There is a number of feelings that most experience after finding out the truth about the truth. Most experience confusion, denial, anger, sadness and then finally... peace. However, some skip them and are able to move right on...maybe that is like your husband?? The majority go through all the stages though. So if your feeling any of these, you are by no means alone!!
Ontop of these "normal" feelings, you are pregnant, which messes with your hormones, and too suffering from depression mounts up to a whole lot of weight. Which is EXACTLY why you need to talk to your husband. Is there any place you can go to get counciling... you may find that very helpful, so you can learn how to channel your anger and hurt, and not let it take over your life. Many have done this and it has been EXTREEMLY helpful!
As for your family...don't tell them anything. Perhaps when they ask about the JWs helping you etc...let them know you have been suffering from depression and have missed alot of meetings because of that and the pregnancy. I am sure they will understand, but if they don't, they will at least not think you have cold turkey left the organization. They may be more understanding if you don't have the answers for them if you use this excuse.
Hang in there friend. Know you are not alone, and there are MANY, MANY good people here that care about you and will try and help you. I hope you let your husband in on your feelings, he may even pray for you to regain your faith again. Be patient, all of this takes time, as you have just been hit with a huge blow, as most here can relate to. Try to enjoy your pregnancy, focus on your precious new little one, and how much joy the baby will bring into your life...you will get through this I promise. Rembember...Jehovah and Jesus love you VERY, VERY much!! They have blessed you by leading you out of the organization, and you have been blessed by having your husband see the truth about the "truth" as well..so you were able to exit together...and now you have been blessed with this little miricle a "gift from above", which you would have otherwise never had, had you stayed in the organization!! You have been truely blessed by Jehovah and Jesus since leaving...and even though it feels like it will never happen...they will see to it that you will again find peace, comfort and happiness...
Sincerely,
Lady Liberty
