For previous sections of this series go to: Take Back Your Life
Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships by Janja Lalich and Madeleine Tobias (soon to be released)
Take Back Your Life: Chapter 7: Undoing the damage Part 1
Finding oneself on the outside of a very controlled group can create a flood of emotional reactions. I felt fear, relief, loss, hope, bad, sinful, and many others depending on your personal situation and the reasons you left. Knowing what to expect at that it will sometimes feel like being on a roller-coaster can help you firstly to realize these reactions are normal, and secondly to find ways to cope with the ride.
Postcult Symptoms of Trauma
Dr. Margaret Singer outlined the major issues to be expected:
- depression,
- loneliness,
- indecisiveness,
- slipping into altered states,
- blurring of mental acuity,
- uncritical passivity,
- fear of the cult,
- difficulties explaining where you have been so that people understand,
Singer states that it can take from 6 to 18 months to get your life on track. Naturally some people may take longer. I think for those born in there is a large transition period to get to the point where they feel OK with themselves and the world they have stepped into. (p.104-105)
Indecisiveness
After years of having decisions made for you many people find that leaving a cult forces them to start making decisions on their own. With little experience making decisions many find themselves overwhelmed with all the life decisions they need to begin to make. This difficulty can then lead to lowered self-esteem and depression. Understanding these reactions can help a person realize that the problems are temporary can help a person from thinking they were better of fin the cult.
Some things that might help:
- Practice making small decisions at first.
- Make a list if the things that need to be done and prioritize what needs to be done during the day.
- Break down your list into the smallest pieces if needed. For example, you may need to clean the house. Your broken down list might look like this:
- Pick up objects and put away.
- Dust
- Vacuum
- Try not to become dependant on others. Learning that you can develop the skills you need to survive can go a great way to feeling good about yourself.
- Give yourself permission to learn that it is ok to make mistakes. Sometimes those are our greatest lessons. (p. 105)
“Loaded” Language
It takes time for new converts to learn the special language of their cult. In part that is what the indoctrination process is for. Once they leave the cult people need to unlearn the cult lingo and relearn (or in some cases learn for the first time) the language of the world around them.
I remember in one of my first jobs after I left the JWs, someone used the phrase “the s*it hit the fan”. I had never heard this before but the image it conjured up in my head was hysterical and in the middle of a business meeting I cracked up and could not stifle my giggles. I had to get up and leave the room]. Every time the image came up I would start laughing again. Needless to say they all thought I was daft.
Something that I find here on the site is that many people continue to use the WT phrases. One problem with this is that the phrases themselves can act as triggers and can induce feelings of fear or guilt about leaving the group.
Black and White Thinking
Whenever the leadership of a group considers themselves higher or superior to other people and groups the create a judgmental attitude in the followers. Many of their beliefs are rote with little understanding of what lies behind these judgments. After leaving the group a person needs to examine these beliefs and widen their thinking. The us-versus-them mentality will hinder your recovery (p. 106)
Look back to some of your beliefs previous to your joining the cult. Examine the beliefs learned while in the group. Then evaluate how correct those beliefs are. What do you want to keep and what gets left behind. The longer you continue to see things in simple black and white the longer your recovery will be.
Remember you are no longer limited to the unified beliefs of the cult. You need to explore all the colors and find what works for you. A caution here however. After being in one cult the risk is high to find a new belief to replace the one you are leaving. Going from one cult to another is not a step forward. Give yourself time and patience. Not all the answers to the world’s problems need to be discover immediately.
Floating
Floating is common after one leaves the group. It may be experienced as a “sense of disconnection, lack of concentration, and the feeling of dissociation from others and the environment” (p. 107) Here are 2 grounding techniques that you might find helpful.
Technique 1
- Wear a rubber band around your wrist.
- As soon as you notice difficulty in concentrating, snap the rubber band. Not too hard! This is to bring you back from a numbed state, not to punish you.
- Simply but firmly remind yourself that the experience was triggered by some stimulus and that it will pass. This small act is often enough to bring you back to ordinary awareness. (p. 107)
Technique 2
As often as possible, stop and take a moment to look around you. Then do the following.
- See where you are, look at shapes, sizes, and colors. Take your time.
- Pay attention to your body. What do you feel? Touch your face, the chair you are sitting in, the fabric of your clothes. Are they rough, smooth, hot, cold? Feel your feet on the floor. If you are standing, walk around, notice the surface of the floor, the comfort or discomfort of your shoes.
- Listen. What do you hear outside your head? Listen to the sounds in the room, the clock ticking, traffic. People talking.
- Use your nose. Any interesting smells?
- How about taste? Can you distinguish between different tastes? What does the inside of your mouth taste like? (p. 107-108)
By checking your various sense you can reconnect with your present surrounding.