I have a serious problem

by My Name is of No Consequence 107 Replies latest jw experiences

  • My Name is of No Consequence
    My Name is of No Consequence

    @ OnTheWayOut:

    I have enjoyed your posts for years. I appreciate your insight, perspective and knowledge and I respect you as a senior member of this forum. When I see your posts and comments, I read them. With that being said, I joined this forum because I thought that I could contribute to it and offer a unique perspective into the current mindset of the witnesses because I am still in. I am having a difficult time with this situation and needed suggestions on how to handle it. On the outside, it seems pretty cut-and-dry on what I should do. However, with all of the caveats, I MUST proceed with caution.

    I may come across as somewhat weak and incisive. Maybe I am. Or maybe I am just super cautious because I know what this organization is capable of doing. As much is I would like to tell this elder - the pioneers, the elderettes, the circuit overseers, the district overseers, the governing body, yes everyone involved - exactly how I feel about them, I can’t do that right now. I don’t want to lose my family.

  • My Name is of No Consequence
    My Name is of No Consequence
    I am meeting with him this weekend and I will tell him how I feel about him "taking over". I will be respectful like I usually am, but firm. After that, everything having to do with the organization, my son and him will go through me. If this doesn't work, I will go up the food chain. I am tired of being the doormat in my own house and it has to stop.
  • Chris Hannover
    Chris Hannover

    The only thing worse than being a doormat is being a foolish doormat.

    You are assuming anyone will care what you have to say, they wont. You will be branded an apostate and you will lose your family. You are making this whole thing about yourself and proving some vague point.

    Your plans and your desired outcome don't match up.

    You need to realize the whole thing is just a game. You need to play by the rules if you want to win and acknowledge you're not in a position to win right now. You need to backup and come up with a better strategy.

    If your ultimate goal is to keep your family, play along with your wife's current needs. If you want her to follow you out, you must first be able to lead. You need to earn her respect, then make a move to leave the org years from now.

    Personally, I don't want you to lose your family or your stepson to lose another dad. So, with kindness in my heart, I tell you to stop being a dumbass!

    Play along and be a great dad, respected husband, and a casual JW.

  • Oubliette

    MNIONC: I don’t want to lose my family.

    We get that. That's why we're telling you what we're telling you.

    My ex-wife and the congregation elders successfully alienated two of my children. I haven't talked to either in years.

    I should have fought harder and asserted my boundaries as father. I didn't and lost them. Don't make the same mistake that I and many others here have made.

    Take a stand and you have a fighting chance. Don't and you'll almost surely lose.

  • cappytan

    I think, now that we know it's a step-son, the best bet is like some above have said.

    Play the long con. All of a sudden become agreeable. Let him study. Encourage it. Tell the brother, "Thank you so much!"

    Perhaps your wife's watchful eye will eventually grow drowsy and you'll be able to unWitness to your step-son when opportune moments present themselves.

    That, coupled with him going to college, will in all likelihood wake him up.

  • 3rdgen

    MNIONC, I would like to chime in here and give you my perspective as a woman who was an active believing JW married to a fading husband. IMHO your wifes attitude toward you is even more troubling than the elder who is butting in.

    #1: When my husband stopped the "family study" I simply studied with the kids MYSELF. Why oh why would she entrust her sons everlasting life (from the JW perspective) to anyone else??????? This smells fishy. What does the elders wife think about this unusual involvement between her husband and your wife and son? Either you or your wife should conduct this study PERIOD. You decide.

    #2 You teach people how to treat you. Is this how you want to live? With your wife living independently of you? Why be married then? You don't have to be an [email protected]#$ to do this. She is acting like a rebellious teenager. You need to require better of her. State clearly to her what is not acceptable. If she defies you then there will be consequences. Usually tightening the purse strings works well. Whatever you decide will be the consequence, calmly and firmly STICK TO IT. Let your yes mean yes and your no mean no. Believe me she will respect you so much more. Like a bratty teenager she will fight and yell at first. You must ignore this and leave the room. If she doesn't improve over time, I would seriously question your marriage.

  • 3rdgen
    An additional thought: A sister who refuses to acknowledge or respect her husbands "authority" is no longer exemplary in the congregation. If this behavior persists she could no longer "qualify" to pioneer, or give demonstrations in the Service meeting. If you wanted to push it she could be the one receiving "private reproof" which would also result in loss of commenting privileges. Let her know that her behavior and that of the elder is contributing to your loss of faith. Shift the blame of your family discord to where it belongs, HER.
  • Chris Hannover
    Chris Hannover

    3rdgen, but that is playing by the official JW rulebook, applicable to active members in good standing only.

    Myname's situation is different, he is viewed as outside-of-the-org and those rules no longer apply. He will always be wrong and anyone opposing him will always be right.

    He has to establish himself as a member in good standing, only then he can use their rules against them.

  • 3rdgen

    Chris H, If you carefully read my first post you'll see that the advice I give has no bearing on whether he is a witness or not. The second post is letting her know that she and the elder are stumbling him. The Bible who she claims to follow directs wives to be in subjection regardless if the husband believes or not. He needs to remind her of that as well as take over the boys study.

    If he chooses not to do this then he is letting the tail wag the dog.

  • Giordano

    3rdgen............ MNIONC: Is someone else . the person who started this thread is My Name is of No Consequence

    Your advice has been great by the way.

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