I have a serious problem

by My Name is of No Consequence 107 Replies latest jw experiences

  • My Name is of No Consequence
    My Name is of No Consequence

    I have a serious problem that I cannot solve on my own. I was born-in but am only in by a thread at this point. I quit the TMS a few weeks ago and wrote a post on it. I am no longer “spiritually strong” and have not been to a meeting in weeks. Over the last year or so, a brother and his wife have been studying with my teenage son. Things were fine for a while and I had no problem with it. Then he started making arrangements with him and his mother directly, say he was coming by at 6 for an hour then come at 6:45 and stay until 8 and sell a car to my wife for my son without me even being in the loop. There is more, but I will keep it private.

    I have become so upset over this situation that it has consumed me. I tried to reach out to this brother to make plans to meet and chat for a few minutes, but it seems like he is avoiding me now. It is almost like they have cut me out of the picture entirely and view my son as a “fatherless boy”.

    I was so upset one day that I told my wife (who is all for this “arrangement”) that this brother cannot come over anymore until I speak with him. Guess what? His mother now drops him off at his house and he has his study there.

    Over that last few weeks, I have been extremely irritable and do not know what to do about this situation. I am completely out of the loop. My wife does not care and this brother does not care. It is almost like I am disfellowshipped in their eyes.

    Am I making a big deal about this or do my feelings have some merit?

  • confuzzlediam
    I would say that you certainly have the right to have strong feelings about this. You should NOT be left out of the loop on any of this!! I don't have any good suggestions as to what to do, other than keep communicating your feelings with your wife and this brother. MAYBE if they are not receptive, carefully talk to your son about your feelings and see if he will help keep you aware of what's going on. just a thought...sorry you are having to go through this
  • freemindfade
    I am being treated by many as disfellowshipped, I know the anger my friend, very well. I say just refer to their own dribble on jw.org under "Do Jehovah's Witnesses Shun Former Members" (i think that is the title). It talks about family bonds and so forth, but it is also about disfellowshipped ones, which you are not! So they are going well beyond their own cult laws by treating you this way. You are not being honored as the head of your household, perhaps you should speak to your C/O. It's their stupid game, might as well play it by their rules.
  • out4good4

    You definitely have some merit in the way you feel.

    Your wife, along with this "brother" is totally disrespecting and circumventing your authority,boundary, and space. They have, in effect dismissed you as the boys father.

    If it were me, I'd show up after one of their weekend meetings and demand to meet with the whole body of elders and point blank them on what is going on and ask if they would tolerate such disrespect in their own home.

    Play the headship card.

    Barring that, I would withdraw my "ble$$ings" and start proceedings for kicking her ass to the curb for disrespecting me in such a way. If she and the brothers want to go there, I'd make damn sure they would be holding the bag for paying for it.

  • My Name is of No Consequence
    My Name is of No Consequence

    @ confuzzlediam!

    My wife will not permit me to talk to him unless she is present. I would prefer to keep him out of if it as much as possible just because he is a kid and this is "adult" business. With that being said, I don't know what else to do.


    It is almost like they have cut me out of the picture entirely and view my son as a “fatherless boy”.

    Am I making a big deal about this or do my feelings have some merit?

    ...................................Image result for Bingo

    These are the first steps in cutting you out of your own family,Watchtower Style..

    Fix it now or it will get worse.......Much Worse...

  • Giordano

    Of course your feelings have merit.

    Are you separated from your wife Or still living at home? If so your the head of the household.

    Is he studying with your son at his house for a reason......if it's to avoid you show up and get your son when your wife arrives. If there's a problem call the police. Tell this guy he is not to hold a private study with your son in this manner......I sure hope his wife is at home.

    I'd get an attorney and discuss your legal options including sueing this guy for alienation of affection or ignoring your parental rights. He's not your son's father. Perhaps have the attorney send a copy of the letter to the Elders.

  • My Name is of No Consequence
    My Name is of No Consequence

    @ Giordano:

    My wife and I are not separated. But the fact that I am awake and she is not has taken its toll on the family arrangement, big time. He is studying with my son at his house because I told my wife that this brother is not welcomed at my house until I have a chat with him. This was over a month ago.

  • steve2

    I so feel for your situation MNMC. It is a situation your wife has "bought into" and the male Witness is exploiting it.

    I acknowledge also the complexity of your situation.

    You don't want to fall out with your son because it would help drive him more completely into the Witnesses' clutches.

    Reading between the lines, am I right in assuming that your relationship with your wife is not the best at the current time? I'm curious about how she can allow the male Witness to virtually take over. Is there some explanation for that? Can I be so bold as to ask whether you have done anything that makes you now a vulnerable party and more likely to be 'punished'? You say you quit the TMS and wrote a post on it - do the local Witnesses know about it? Does your wife? (I do not wish my question to offend - it's just that I am so astonished by everyone's blatant disregard for you).

    The best approach when a situation develops in such a complex way is to seek someone trusted to talk over the various issues. To a certain extent, that can be done on this forum - but as you rightly point out, there is much you cannot say due to privacy issues.

    Your situation definitely sounds like a case for seeking professional help, not only regarding the emotional toll on you but also your legal standing: The sale of the car is unconscionable - boy can I see why you'd feel stirred up about that alone! - but the complicating factor is your wife was complicit with it - this is where it gets very tricky and requires a skillful response.

    Do keep us posted. Best

  • Pistoff

    If you are a witness who is not df'd or da'd, then call the elders and let them know that since your son is a minor, you will not tolerate anyone from the congregation making arrangements with your son unless they go through you; let them know that they are not respecting the headship arrangement, that you are the spiritual head of the household.

    Do NOT talk about why you left the school, tell them you will talk about that another time (and then don't ever talk to them about it).

    They are running an end game around you; DON'T let them do it.

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