Stay or leave your spouse after leaving JWs - Do you have regrets?

by Awakened at Gilead 60 Replies latest social relationships

  • daniel-p
    daniel-p

    Quirk1, I'm glad to hear things are going reasonably well for you at the moment.

  • Open mind
    Open mind

    Great thread AaG!

    Thank you for starting it. Lots of good perspectives here.

    Randy, I thought your summation really made a lot of sense.

    OM

  • OnTheWayOut
    OnTheWayOut

    I appreciate the thread. I could never tell a former JW to stay with a mind-controlled zealot
    who thinks he/she is demonistic. I could never sit back and let kids be manipulated without
    a fight over the religious custody to some degree.

    On the other hand, I love my wife despite the religion. I don't see that her beliefs alone could
    end our marriage, in my case. She doesn't violate my trust in her, she doesn't run to the
    elders to "turn me in" as an unbelieving fader apostate.

    I guess I have to agree that it depends on the believer's level of participation and belief.

    I would always suggest an offer to go to counseling before breaking up over issues that
    did not involve unfaithfulness, and even in some of those cases. A refusal by the dub to go to
    non-dub counseling could lead to a divorce, though.

  • Quirky1
    Quirky1

    Thanks! daniel-p...For now everything seems quiet on the Russian front. Like I said in my earlier thread that she mentioned she "would" turn me in to the elders for my new found views but she may not due to retribution it will have on both of us. So time is the main factor here.

    I'll just have to wait and see what he future holds but I do have my fingers crossed!

    Quirky1

  • Quirky1
    Quirky1

    Oh, by the way A&G, Welcome to the board!

    Quirky1

  • Awakened at Gilead
    Awakened at Gilead

    Thanks everone for their posts... I have been watching at work but have not had the time to sit down and write out a good post in reply.

    Flipper: it's better to make a new start in the future with someone we are more suited with , than trying to beat a dead horse .

    Thanks for the tip... this is part of what I am thinking about.

    Gayle: I don't know what the rate of divorce is for such cases of an xJW w/a remaining JW spouse, but I expect much more that half.

    That would make for an interesting thread... But of course, we were talking about divorce even as 2 JW's.

    Layla33: That's abuse and the threat of bodily harm and I am sorry there is no excuse religious or not for a woman to threaten a man or do something like that to a man. That's not healthy, and no matter what else, you need to think long and hard about being with a person like that.

    This has been an issue as of late that we both get physical due to our intense feelings (even before my declaration of JW independence). Generally its led to a few scratches on the arm, but nothing more. But the potential for more harm is there.

    galileo:but a happy marriage between a zealot and an unbeliever probably isn't.

    Well, that's us....

    cognac: I've noticed hubby has 2 completely and utterly different personalities. One great, 1 that sucks - that ones called "jw mode"...

    You described it well!!! 2 modes. Exactly. Sometimes she's like all over me and can't stand the idea of me leaving, but when she detests me, she's the one that brings it up. I read Diane Wilson's book about how JWs are prone to mental illness and I can see that this dual personality can drive a person crazy (both the sufferer and the victim).

    Oompa: I had about a year and a half of confrontational, loud, crying WT discussions...not all, but many. Then I SLOWED DOWN and decided the impact of my "awakening" was so great on my psyche that I needed to just shut up and chill a bit.

    Yeah, its tough in the beginning to shut - for both of us...

    BTW what woke me up? I've posted somewhat about this... stay tuned, its a long story. But it started the week I went to Gilead...hence my name.

    I'll continue this post later....

    [email protected]

  • truthsetsonefree
    truthsetsonefree

    "2 completely and utterly different personalities", Yup that's true. Steve Hassan talks about that in Combating Mind Control. BTW-Thats a good read when you have the time.

    Isaac Carmignani

    http://isaaccarmignani.blogspot.com/

  • jwfacts
    jwfacts

    When I left my wife was similarly upset, and forever annoyed with the time I spent with JWD, research and apostates. Luckily, she was never a strong witness, so did not create the problems that some on this board have experienced. 6 months after my last meeting I was disfellowshipped. My wife was very upset at the whole concept of me being shunned, and so stopped going to meetings at that point. 2 years on she does not consider herself a JW anymore, but still associates with her friends as she has not been disfellowshipped. It is possible for it to all work out. I was tossing up leaving her (and I am sure she felt the same towards me) during the hard times but am glad that we ended up staying together. We have now just had a baby, my first at the ripe old age of 38.

  • Awakened at Gilead
    Awakened at Gilead

    Hi everyone, thanks for all your posts...

    I have been giveing this much thought, as separation already was something we were discussing before my announcement that I no longer wanted to be a JW anymore. She kind of feels that this announcement is part of my plan to buck responsibility and leave over moral issues and not my disagreement with warped JW ideology.

    I have done a few things over the past few weeks so that she can see the seriousness of my decision, no turning back for me:

    - I tore up my blood card in front of her the other day - that freaked her out. I told her that I would respect her view of blood and asked her to do the same. She told me that she didn't believe me that I would respect her. She then told me that if I would allow a transfusion she would kill me (I'm serious, this is what she said). I asked her again about this, and she again replied that if I were to authorize a transfusion, she would not want to live, she would be happy to die, and she would kill me. (I don't know about you, dear reader, but that kind of does it for me....)

    - I am growing a beard. I have always said that I wanted to grow a beard in the new system, but now that I don't believe in the WTS new system, I might as well do it now. I've got 5 days stubble going now, but every time she sees me she has this look of despising me in her eyes, since it's an outward symbol of non-JWness. Of course, I grab a society's pub and show a pic of Jesus and reply that I am just imitating Jesus Christ.

    - We have conversation where she tries to make me see the folly of my ways. Every time she mentions a Bible example, she isn't able to reason it through, and then changes the subject. Our conversations are ending in fights every day.

    - I am planning on going to an xJW meetup in NYC in 2 weeks. She is not happy about this, and complains constantly about that she doesn't mind me leavng the truth but why do I have to hang out with those apostates?. She feels the same about JWD.

    - I have invited her to do recreational things. There is a Hiking meetup that I am interested in joining. I love hiking, yet she has never really liked to do it. She would walk along mountain trails for the truth when she was a sp. pioneer, so now she is only willing to do it if she is out in service. I suggested, lets go to this hiking event with this meetup group, and she replied that she doesn't want to meet up with anyone that is not a JW.

    Some of your statements are quite interesting (besides the ones that I commented on above):

    Alpaca:

    My ex and I split up. She was such a hardcore Dub with a hardcore Dub family that it would have been futile to make it work and I think both of us realized that.

    The thing is, what do you talk about or do together once that rift is there. If you are socially conscious and want to be politically engaged, you know whrere that conversation is going. If you want to entertain thoughts about science, evolution, and sociology it's the same story.

    I will always have love in my heart for my ex, but I am not sorry we split up.

    Alex, I feel that I am in the same boat... She is really a diehard JW.

    Dogpatch:

    I guess one has to choose how confining of a relationship one wants to remain in for the rest of one's life. It's all in what brand of codependency you choose to live in.

    Thanks Randy for that statement. I definitely think that my wife has a dependency problem, being overly dependent on me. I do not want to be in a confined relationship, where I have my set of friends and she has hers. I think that would eventually lead to the breakup of the marriage anyway, as one of us is bound to be attracted to one of our friends that we do not share with the other. I won't be going out in service or meetings with her, or hanging out with JWs recreationally. But I am trying to establish friendships both in the xJW and the non-JW world, much to her chagrin.

    So, having given it much thought, I have told my wife that I plan on separating from her within about a month. (Housing here in NYC is not easy to come by)...

    If any of you have had experience with the legal matters (separation, divorce) feel free to post or PM me.

    [email protected]

    BTW,

  • Awakened at Gilead
    Awakened at Gilead

    Hi everyone, thanks for all your posts...

    I have been giveing this much thought, as separation already was something we were discussing before my announcement that I no longer wanted to be a JW anymore. She kind of feels that this announcement is part of my plan to buck responsibility and leave over moral issues and not my disagreement with warped JW ideology.

    I have done a few things over the past few weeks so that she can see the seriousness of my decision, no turning back for me:

    - I tore up my blood card in front of her the other day - that freaked her out. I told her that I would respect her view of blood and asked her to do the same. She told me that she didn't believe me that I would respect her. She then told me that if I would allow a transfusion she would kill me (I'm serious, this is what she said). I asked her again about this, and she again replied that if I were to authorize a transfusion, she would not want to live, she would be happy to die, and she would kill me. (I don't know about you, dear reader, but that kind of does it for me....)

    - I am growing a beard. I have always said that I wanted to grow a beard in the new system, but now that I don't believe in the WTS new system, I might as well do it now. I've got 5 days stubble going now, but every time she sees me she has this look of despising me in her eyes, since it's an outward symbol of non-JWness. Of course, I grab a society's pub and show a pic of Jesus and reply that I am just imitating Jesus Christ.

    - We have conversation where she tries to make me see the folly of my ways. Every time she mentions a Bible example, she isn't able to reason it through, and then changes the subject. Our conversations are ending in fights every day.

    - I am planning on going to an xJW meetup in NYC in 2 weeks. She is not happy about this, and complains constantly about that she doesn't mind me leavng the truth but why do I have to hang out with those apostates?. She feels the same about JWD.

    - I have invited her to do recreational things. There is a Hiking meetup that I am interested in joining. I love hiking, yet she has never really liked to do it. She would walk along mountain trails for the truth when she was a sp. pioneer, so now she is only willing to do it if she is out in service. I suggested, lets go to this hiking event with this meetup group, and she replied that she doesn't want to meet up with anyone that is not a JW.

    Some of your statements are quite interesting (besides the ones that I commented on above):

    Alpaca:

    My ex and I split up. She was such a hardcore Dub with a hardcore Dub family that it would have been futile to make it work and I think both of us realized that.

    The thing is, what do you talk about or do together once that rift is there. If you are socially conscious and want to be politically engaged, you know whrere that conversation is going. If you want to entertain thoughts about science, evolution, and sociology it's the same story.

    I will always have love in my heart for my ex, but I am not sorry we split up.

    Alex, I feel that I am in the same boat... She is really a diehard JW.

    Dogpatch:

    I guess one has to choose how confining of a relationship one wants to remain in for the rest of one's life. It's all in what brand of codependency you choose to live in.

    Thanks Randy for that statement. I definitely think that my wife has a dependency problem, being overly dependent on me. I do not want to be in a confined relationship, where I have my set of friends and she has hers. I think that would eventually lead to the breakup of the marriage anyway, as one of us is bound to be attracted to one of our friends that we do not share with the other. I won't be going out in service or meetings with her, or hanging out with JWs recreationally. But I am trying to establish friendships both in the xJW and the non-JW world, much to her chagrin.

    So, having given it much thought, I have told my wife that I plan on separating from her within about a month. (Housing here in NYC is not easy to come by)...

    If any of you have had experience with the legal matters (separation, divorce) feel free to post or PM me.

    [email protected]

    BTW,

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