Stay or leave your spouse after leaving JWs - Do you have regrets?

by Awakened at Gilead 60 Replies latest social relationships

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  oompa

  There have probably been many threads like yours...for sure one by me. The answers I got were somewhat helpful, and it is nice to know that you are not alone. Especially the advice to SLOW DOWN before making a decision that will effect the rest of your life. It really should all come down to love, but sometimes you dont know how much you have or if it is the real thing....and you may never know. My kids are now out of their teens and not really a factor, although one going to bethel has me in a tizzy.

  I had about a year and a half of confrontational, loud, crying WT discussions...not all, but many. Then I SLOWED DOWN and decided the impact of my "awakening" was so great on my psyche that I needed to just shut up and chill a bit. Some people refer to that as the elepant or 800 lb. gorilla in the room. She never badgers me about wt, and I seldom mention the JW falsehoods. Having a social life is quite limited, but there are some dubs I really like and they still associate with us. But even with them, I tend to feel like a FREAK a bit....I just don't fit in anymore....and the whole time I am with them I feel kind of nauseated...and in my head is "how do they keep belivin this $hit?"

  I had about 15 years in my first marriage, and the same now, and divorce is a pain in the ass in more ways than the wallet. I am also a very caring person, and would have a hard time hurting someone who loves me so much just because we have different religious ideas...almost like letting WT win. I still do not know how my marriage will turn out, I have only been absent from meetings for about 10 months now. But at least my marriage is much calmer now..........Good Luck....you will need it.............oompa

  I can check back on your posts, but what woke you up????
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  cognac

  there are some dubs I really like and they still associate with us. But even with them, I tend to feel like a FREAK a bit....I just don't fit in anymore....and the whole time I am with them I feel kind of nauseated...and in my head is "how do they keep belivin this $hit?"

  Wow, I feel exactly the same freaken way....
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  daniel-p

  In my opinion, a happy marriage between a half-hearted witness and an unbeliever may be possible, but a happy marriage between a zealot and an unbeliever probably isn't.

  Galileo: this is an interesting statement; one which I believe to be completely true, and also the reason why my wife and I are still married. She was never a true JW zealot. She didn't grow up in a strict JW family, and was never a part of the "in" crowd of super-JWs. I, on the other hand, know more about the organization than she does due to my experience at Bethel and by being on the "elder track" to JW stardom. Because of this, I don't think she really sees the WTS for who they really are. And what's particularly telling, is that she reads the Bible more than she does the magazines.
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  Alpaca

  My ex and I split up. She was such a hardcore Dub with a hardcore Dub family that it would have been futile to make it work and I think both of us realized that.

  The thing is, what do you talk about or do together once that rift is there. If you are socially conscious and want to be politically engaged, you know whrere that conversation is going. If you want to entertain thoughts about science, evolution, and sociology it's the same story.

  I will always have love in my heart for my ex, but I am not sorry we split up. We are both much happier now. I could no longer take the Borg stifling my need to learn and pursue education, but my ex was content with the mental stagnation so there would have been an ever widening rift had we stayed together.

  Just a few thoughts. Good luck...I know it's a rough road, any way you travel it.

  Alex
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  R.Crusoe

  Yup = that it ever occurred, except for the children = you know the feeling!

  WT mind control + spouse = trying to work a situation that never was a 'situation'!

  Using rules to control nature without ever getting in touch with your nature!

  Sorta how I was brought up so no surprises I followed the training!
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  Mickey mouse

  My other half is rather half-hearted as a dub so I'm hoping we can get through it. He's a fine man.
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  wings

  Thanks for the info.

  The advice oompa gave you to slow down and consider your situation was also given to my on this board when I first came here. I took it, and I am glad I did. My marriage isn't going to make it, but I feel I have given myself time to reflect of every aspect of my decision.

  For me it ended up being about kids, my grandkids (I am raising them). My history as a JW involved six kids, three step. None of them are JW's. I couldn't let my grandkids even be exposed to it, the scars can be so deep.

  Second, I was told what to do, how to believe, what to think, how I was wrong, how Jehovah wouldn't listen to my prayers....etc....for so long, I lost my ability to tolerate it. Kind of like you just were force fed 30 hot dogs (in the bun) and they want to feed you just one more. Even if I became a strong woman overnight, and I could silence it. We all know it is alway there, unspoken words can sometimes be just as damaging. I don't want to live my life with someone who thinks my heart is not in the right condition.

  I guess I just reached my limit. Time to reinvent my life.

  wings.
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  R.Crusoe

  GB=lmao! Why take so long to explain yourself - get to it!

  Wings&Oomps are cool collectives dontya think?

  Interesting Danny stuff about successful unions being 'unreliant' on the WT! Now there's a conundrum!

  And Als right about when the fence is up! Boy do I recall when I was helping ex move after she chose the move instead of the stayhome cuz none of my 4 were keen on baptism! During the move (Christmastime)She wouldn't come near the house if I had any worldly stuff I was setting up = any cards and 4ft tree even though it was just to help me help her set up and still go to work each day! I was like a slave getting wupped for not having a magic wand that could make it happen in 5! Reminds me how I was in nearly 20 yrs never had a single friend round cuz I was so out of field I couldnt get back in the game for all the loose balls comin at me ! And my own mum&siblings steered well clear even though I had been 13yrs faded = how much of a leper JWs can be treated by 'worldlies' when some family are still at it!

  So much to consider and I wish you 'inner connection' in establishing what your future is to become!
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  Balsam

  When when my confidence was destroyed when my son died and it being tied with refusing blood for him, I left my JW husband and the religion all at the same time. I 'd come to dispise them both. What a relief to just have it done and over. I've never had a single regret of ending my lousy marriage, there was no love lost though my then husband claimed to want me to stay. I said no I'm done with the BS. I was married for 30 years and in the witnesses 29 years.

  I have no regrets except that I didn't leave sooner.

  I wish all who have to figure it out for themselves luck, follow your intuition about the matter.

  Balsam
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  AllTimeJeff

  One the one hand, I didn't at the time (and frankly still dont) see a way to make it work, given all that we had been through. She was dyed in the wool loyal. I wasn't.

  My biggest mistake, and one I hope to avoid making in the future, is the lack of honesty, the years worth of it, that preceded my leaving the borg and her. Had I been more upfront about my feelings, perhaps the marriage was salvageable. But I broke everything all at once (a mistake in retrospect) and it really killed any chance of saving the marriage.

  I definitely reccomend talking with someone you really trust and make sure you are sure. Don't be quick, don't be overly emotional. I wish you all the best!