Stay or leave your spouse after leaving JWs - Do you have regrets?

by Awakened at Gilead 60 Replies latest social relationships

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  sass_my_frass

  I can only answer this from a different point of view: I met my husband when I was a witness. He wasn't and secretly yearned for me to wake up to myself. What's relevant to your story is that if I hadn't turned the page (and I still don't know how that happened) I'd be your wife (well, you know what I mean). He was willing to take a risk on that, but he didn't truly know what that would mean; he still can't fathom the disfellowshipping and the way my JW family treats us. You DO know what it means for you to not be a witness anymore. For her; you're not a part of what is the most important thing in her life. For you; you can't attain the social, emotional and intellectual freedom you will yearn for. It's hard to say, but if I had decided to stay a witness, we'd both be miserable if we'd tried to stay married.

  Keep it together bro.
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  Honesty

  Did you divorce your spouse after leaving the org? Yes. I stayed with her for about 3 years after I stopped attending meetings. The constant labels just got the best of me. It doesn't take a genius to know that when the person who should love you most is calling you an "apostate" and "a rebel like Korah" they really don't care about you.

  Do you have regrets about this? Not now. as a matter of fact, it was a blessing in disguise. I became a born again christian 14 months after we split up and I would hate to think of having to listen to her constantly condemning me as a pagan for worshiping Jesus.
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  NewYork44M

  AAG,

  You are describing interactions with the wife that replicate my experience. Once I told her that we could be friends with some within the congregation. However, anyone within the congreg that would agree to be my friend would not be spiritual enough for her to associate with. After many years of fading things went from bad to worse

  My reaction was a lot of fighting, drinking, and finially I could not take it any longer. We went through a very bad divorce and are now mortal enemies. I doubt that I will ever speak to her again without a lawyer present.

  But on the bright side I have gotten on with my life and am very very happy. I am 50 years old and figure that I have to live to 100 to make up for all the bad years.
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  hillbilly

  My ex decided to be a JW nun and wanted to marry the Society. How do you argue with that? I have posted details on other threads ...I have regrets but If she loves her lifestyle more the me and her actual family so be it.

  Have a nice life... and I'll see ya in hell.

  Jeff
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  Dogpatch

  I fell in love with a single girl at Bethel in the 70s. Yet she was so controlled by the organization, no doubt through her upbringing, that I knew she would never leave it. Some people are just like that. They are not comfortable having a mind of their own. And so they default to the mind of the watchtower lackeys. It really is a security issue. People join groups like Witnesses often due to insecurity alone. If you threaten that one thing that they feel they have, religious security, it disrupts their entire existence. People commit suicide over failed fantasies, folks!

  Some day when an attack hits U.S. soil, God forbid, you will see the same thing. We put our trust in false gods and they will eventually crash and suck us down with them. Read "Embracing Defeat" by John W. Dower on the effect of Japan's losing to U.S. aggression during WWII. Sometimes people shift and lose all perrsonal security, and weird things happen to them.So many ex-JWs really need professional help with the issue of personality recovery.

  When a worldview shifts between one or both people in a relationship it can be really tough. When I was at Bethel back in the late 70s and watched it in certain ones that began to question the organization, and their wives or friends did not. There was an inevitable parting of ways; ideologies are too strong. The fears and the guilt is too great to buck the system. I guess one has to choose how confining of a relationship one wants to remain in for the rest of one's life. It's all in what brand of codependency you choose to live in.
  Randy

  www.RandallWatters.com
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  lrkr

  Personally, when I saw the light, my relationship with my wife improved. She was much less indoctrinated than I. When I finally got my head out of my a** and could dump the JW personality (like Cognac's husband) I had much more time for my family and could be much more honest and loving. No borg thought censoring your every statement. I am very glad that my wife didn't go ape on me when she first had doubts. Things might be different now.
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  daniel-p

  Wow, that's a hell of a lot of good advice, Randy. Thanks.
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  wings

  The fears and the guilt is too great to buck the system. I guess one has to choose how confining of a relationship one wants to remain in for the rest of one's life. It's all in what brand of codependency you choose to live in.

  Thank you for putting it so well.
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  Quirky1

  Hey A & G, Quirky1 here! Nice to know you read my thread!

  This is kind of an update of my situation and maybe you can bounce off of it in your scenario. Too much like Deja Vu isn't it?

  Me and the wife had a long heated discussion and some emphasis on my part that I "Was" not returning to that kind of life or would I step foot in the KH again and if she was unable to live with that then we had better get a divorce. She chose the latter but said she would not file for it but would sign it. After a day or two of thinking she came back and said she would like to try to work thru it.

  Well, like you my wife just recently found me on JWD and went a little bezerk, like yours, except I don't think she wanted to hit me with the keyboard. She mentioned that this was an apostate site.I stuck to my guns and remained on because I was in the middle of Werewolf XXII. She left me alone and hasn't questioned it since but I think for some strange reason it was more of a jealous reaction. Internet affairs and sex and such...Go figure.

  So far we have been very understanding of each others wishes and life goes on. It is hard to throw away 24 years together. She goes to the KH, meetings & field circus. I have been trying to do my own thing too. I have been reconnecting with family and hunting while she is gone. I am looking into doing some reading and some other things I have wanted to do for a long time but time did not allow being a JW.

  I cannot say what your future or mine holds but I don't want to give up on my best freind. We have been thru a lot together and I just realized this recently. Just maybe she'll wake up one of these days and that is all I can hope for.

  Thanks,

  Quirky1
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  jam

  married 19yrs.Love my wife but she loved the borg more then she love me. We both have remarried, I am in a very good relationship, she hates hers . It,s sad it could have work.We divorce in 1987,just recently she told my son , we meaning she and I should be enjoying our grand kids togather. What a waste. If we had tried too make it work, it,s hard to say. Those years before we divorce I develop extreme case of panic disorder that is still with me today. Leaving the room when a JW come to visit her, all the social events . It.s very hard too stay togather because the borg will pull you a part.