Stay or leave your spouse after leaving JWs - Do you have regrets?

by Awakened at Gilead 60 Replies latest social relationships

  • Awakened at Gilead
    Awakened at Gilead

    I am in a situation that many of you have faced... whether to stay with my spouse or not after having learned the falsehood of the org.

    My wife is diehard Witness who gets upset whenever I talk about the org negatively. She is not happy that I am on JWD... in fact the other day she picked up the keyboard and wanted to throw it accros the room or bash me with it when she saw I was on JWD... She is also very upset about me making friends with "apostates" and worldly people, and told me never to bring them to our home! This concerns me, since I am not going to have any friends in the org, and I need at least a few friendships...She doesn't want me to talk to the friends in the cong about my decision so that I don't share my doubts. I am not "officially" out yet, so I can associate with JW's but I admit that I am not likely to keep my thoughts to myself...

    We are trying to get through this, but it is a roller-coaster ride. I have read some other recent threads. like Quirky1's, so I see that many are in a similar situation.

    So I am curious...

    Did you try to stay with your JW spouse after leaving? Did this work long-term, i.e., with each of you having your own set of friends?

    Or did you divorce your spouse after leaving the org? Do you have regrets about this?

    I know that every marriage is different, and there are many reasons for staying and or leaving, but I would like to hear your thoughts...


  • carla

    Does she have jw's over to the house? does she go on the wt site? does she ask you to do what she will not?

    I am a ubm never been jw, here's how it works in my house though many would disagree and yes, it will turn into WW111 for a short while- if he leaves any wt literature out I will leave out the most offensive (to him) anti witness (called apostate by some) literature in plain site, Should he EVER have the nerve to bring one of those people into my home I would have Wiccans, apostates, and any other most offensive group of people (in his mind) here in no time flat, I don't care if I would have to pay them to come! They cannot have it both ways in my opinion. They cannot ask of us what they are not willing to do themselves!

    After a time the dust settles and you learn the new dance, avoidance, when you need a little peace. Doesn't solve the problem but a jw who is not ready to care more about truth than 'the truth' will not ever see the light anyway. It is possible to manage a strange balance of life or should I say roller coaster? A fine line of some good times interspersed with huge jw battles followed by silence or just a bad, politeness. The big pink elephant follows you everywhere.

  • wings

    I would like to write you a post, forgive me for not taking the time to read your past posts to answer these questions myself.

    Are you a JW, have you ever been?

    Are there any kids involved?

  • Awakened at Gilead
    Awakened at Gilead

    Hi Wings...

    Sure, no problem, I am new to JWD so you might not be too familiar with my posts...

    I was a JW for 24 years.. Went to Bethel, was a Pioneer, special Pioneer, MS, elder, Gilead, and Missionary. I made my decsion to exit 2 weeks ago...

    No kids.... With my theocratic career, no need for them. (or so I thought)

    [email protected]

  • Shutterbug
    Are there any kids involved?

    That is the question that must be asked in this situation. Your future actions must consider the kids welfare.


    NONE. There were no kids involved but if there had of been, I would have been even quicker to leave. Different with a dad since mom's usually get the kids. If I'd been a man and had kids I'd have stayed to protect my kids as much as possible from the cult. More opportunity for deprogramming in my opinion.

  • darth frosty
    darth frosty

    I'm still with my wife. Alas over time I have come to realize that she represents the last chain that links me to witness beliefs. She doesn't go to meetings but its not because she knows they're full of sh!t, but she doesn't want to be there and I'm not there.

    I have told her time and again that there is no way I will go back. Thing is to be honest religous belief has nothing to do with it. I want out. I no longer believe in the concept of marriage and love. The whole structure of romantic love and living happily ever after is a lie. Its a fairytale belief that is used to control and enslave people in bonds of commitment that really benefits no one.

    I realize that my beliefs are an extreme view of relationships, But, this is how I feel. What the future holds I dont know. Its a wonder I have held on this long.

  • restrangled

    All I am going to say is...NOT FAIR! You deserve to have your opinions, feelings friends, etc. So she wanted to throw the key board across the room, Huh?

    What a brat, what unlike Christian behavior! Stand your ground, you are a human too, no devout JW should ever behave like this, but I know they do.

    I am going to send you a PM regarding my Mom and Dads relationship....please watch for it.


  • flipper

    AWAKENED at GILEAD- I'm afraid it is going to be touch and go with you my friend in regards to your marriage. I hope not- but prepare for the worst. Then if it doesn't happen - you'll be more pleasantly surprised. I was married to a witness woman 19 years till 1998. Her first love was , always will be , and forever future - Jehovah God and the organization. We split before I got disfellowshipped for 4 years in 1998. We never had a close, intimate , personal satisfying emotional or sexual relationship - because every ounce of her energy went to the witness organization. In time - I found out about the " real truth" about the truth , and saw that because of different beliefs and priorities in life - we never would have worked out anyway. It worked out for the best - she remarried a " newbie " witness, I married a great "worldly gal"! No regrets.

    You may find this out yourself in time . Sometimes in life - it's better to make a new start in the future with someone we are more suited with , than trying to beat a dead horse . Just my humble opinion from experience. Good luck to you, hope you have success

  • Gayle

    Wish I could be more encouraging to you. You have gone full circle, Bethel, Gilead etc. I, too, was at Bethel in '69-'74, married there (officated by Nathan Knorr),, left to start family life with full good expectations,,my husband became inactive by late 70s, involving several moves for work, I continued a little more meetings, w/small children.

    We never argued till by mid-80's, only because I was disagreeing with the organization. So it became difficult-to-impossible to have much conversation, only small talk. I thought he would welcome a review as he was inactive. He would try to go back to meetings here & there but the kids were getting older, not indoctrinated, so hated to go.

    In '94 we divorced and 2 mos later he remarried and they divorced a year later. The kids are grown, rarely have contact with him but they say he still tries to speak JW'ese to them. I don't know what the rate of divorce is for such cases of an xJW w/a remaining JW spouse, but I expect much more that half. However, I have read here of a few successful cases. My pride is that none of my children were ever baptized and are mind free of JWdom, and 4 of the 5 have completed college and the 5th will next year.

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