Terry, You are loved even from afar.
I walked off the job today....
My Dad abandoned us when I was still in the baby crib and I grew up at a time in which being a "fatherless" boy was shameful. It affected me personally in that I never felt adequate.
I cannot imagine not being there for my own kids as closely physically and emotionally as humanly possible. That isn't a "considered" decision; it is an absolute that I can't go against. It is part of the grain.
I have to be "with" my kids. That does cause a conflict in what I would otherwise desire jobwise and locationwise.
But, nobody gets everything and when something has to give I'll take my kids over work anyday.
As far as continuing to post here, well; it is my therapy in a big way.
I don't have anybody in my life to one on one discuss things with at any deep level. So JWD functions as a surrogate. Moreover, were I still part of the whole Kingdom Hall scene I'd want somebody out there challenging my views in such a way I could give canned answers. So, I want to provide a sounding board in that way.
Further, I need challenging myself. There is nothing worse than sitting in your own muck, so to speak. I like it when somebody gives me "what for" and I have to dig deep and reconsider things. The only way to know what you know is constantly to re-examine it.
Once again, thanks to everybody for therapeutic and wholesome well-wishes, kind thoughts and support. I'm indebted to you all.
I've always seen logic and reasoning as a type of intelligence in direct conflict with emotions and feelings, another type of intelligence. However, I think when we alienate one from the other, unexpected consequences eventually sneak up on us. Allowing our logical side to admit and allow that we have another side that is just as important is difficult, and often hard. I don't have any answers, and don't claim to--I'm just offering my observations. I wish you luck in whatever course you take.
I remember when I first went to County Jail before being transferred to Federal Prison way back when I was a good little JW boy trying to do the "right thing".
I pushed myself into doing what I was told to do and not backing down. It is a kind of stubborness of will that comes naturally. I went through things I never thought I'd be able to endure and that seemed to tell me you just soldier on no matter what.
But, that was 40 f-ing years ago! You can only push so far and so much and the Ox has to fall down and pant for awhile!
I think the "will" is ready to kick me in the ass and give me a taste of my own obstinancy.
I tend to cry at tv commercials or sad movies alot. I laugh alot. But, I also stifle feelings of aloneness and despair thinking "So what? Other people have worse problems than I do."
There is always a balance to life. You can't lose that or you topple.
I'm in freefall. So, I get the message. The trick will be learning something about myself that gives me a clue how to prevent it from happening again and again.
I have been reading various medical bulletins about Depression. The chances of a return episode after one "break" is 70% and after a second break it is 90%.
So that makes me sit up and take notice!!
Sorry to hear you're having a hard time, Terry. You did seem unusually tense in some recent posts but I put it down to the usual highs and lows that we all experience from time to time. I hope you manage to find some clarity of purpose soon and that the mental gridlock eases.
I tend to "bore in" when I'm going through a rough patch. No doubt about it. It is my version of a "cry for help".
It is sort of like "Hey, does anybody notice how serious and tense I am??"
Right you are about the gridlock.
This one truth trumps all others: You can't solve your own problems just by out thinking them!
I can understand your strong desire to look after the emotional well being of your children, you don't want them to experience the paternal deprivation that you had to live through and in this way you also fully compensate for it. A double benefit.
It is sort of like "Hey, does anybody notice how serious and tense I am??"
I noticed a long time ago...
not that it did you any good, but it was noticed and not just by me.
Arggg, I am having trouble finding the right words to convey that I hope you find inner peace again.
There has been great advice given already.
My thoughts are with you, Terry.
Ever try hacking your way through the insurance wall to obtain your benfits?
I've been on the phone all morning. I expected as much.
I'm thinking, "Wow, if somebody were suicidal; this would push them over the edge!" Luckily, I'm not like that.
Red tape, transferred calls, endless replays of Muzak, answering the same questions over and over with different people.
Finally I got through. They've authorized 10 sessions as a start with the therapist of my choice. I picked the counselor who knows all about my background, my marriage, my son, etc. That way I'm not starting from scratch.
I now have to wait for him to call me back and try and fit me in.
So...that's a beginning.
I tried to think what my goal and purpose is in all this. This is what I've come up with: TIME OFF! This before the holiday madness. Also; personal reassessment and, importantly; choosing my behavior instead of being the brave little soldier. I hate whiners because I lived around them all my life. Now, I guess I have to become what I hate. Brrrrrr. It is awful.
But, "Grow up!" That's my catch phrase right now. I'm not whining just to get my fuzzy white underbelly petted!
Terry, I DO hope you're feeling better!
And I do hope you speak to a professional therapist.
I hope you feel better. I just skimmed through the posts (since there was 5 pages worth, yikes) so if anyone has said this already my apologies.
You said that your son had OCD and Asperger's. My 9 year old son was going through "lock-downs" last year at school. The therapists and counselors suggested that it may be Asperger's. We went through many tests and they said that it sounded like Asperger's but was leaning more towards ADD.
From what they were telling me, people with Asperger's and ADD or ADHD have trouble concentrating when they are bored. My son is a very bright kid. In fact, he's scoring very high on his science that he's only 2 points being "gifted" but if you put him in a place that doesn't challenge his brain, he'll lock up, he can't focus. What the schools did was put him on a "special" program to help him with school. If he's bored, they will put him in another class that is more challenging. The doctors also put him on meds to help him focus more.
Oh, the doctors did say that if a child has this problem then it's more than likely they got it from a parent of grandparent.
You seem very intelligent and your brain may need more of a challenge or something to help your brain to focus better.
Anyway, just thought I'd throw that out there.
I can totally relate to having an underchallenged-job problem, and how it can affect a person.
In 1982 I got a summer job working for the State of Alaska student loan office. I was a filing clerk--just filing, filing, filing, filing (and endless alphabetizing) all the live-long 8-hr day. I remember coming back from every break feeling like I was going to go (literally!) stark raving mad. OH THANK GOD (yes!) that it was only 3 months of torture!!!!!!! It paid for a whole year of college, though.
Glad you cut thru the bureaucracy and could get the counselor you already have seen.