((((AuldSoul)))) you know I love you bro....
How sarcasm (irony?) saved my life (WARNING: Sensitive)
by AuldSoul 65 Replies latest members private
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Merry Magdalene
wow...don't know what to say...((((((((((AuldSoul))))))))))...
~Merry
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deeskis
Glad you made the decision you did...........
Hang in there.............one day at a time.............don't go it alone, and get some professional help.
((((auld soul))))
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AuldSoul
Thank you all so much. I have wiping tears out of my eyes for about an hour now, reading and rereading.
I have been diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It wasn't caused by the religion, but I am sure the religion exacerbated the trauma. The attempt was preceded by resurfacing memories of events from my childhood that I wish I could not remember. ('nuff said)
((((all of you))))
And, yeah, crazies...I know ya love me, bro...I just don't know why sometimes, that's all. I have a tough time with that. But I love you too, m'man.
With profound appreciation,
AuldSoul -
outoftheorg
(((((((( AuldSoul ))))))))
I don't post here much. Partly because my wife is dying from terminal cancer of the pancreas. This is an illness that can not be cured. It is also very painful and debilitating. Again there is no cure.
Depression is an awful "mental" pain of physical or stress origins. But there are medical and psychological help that ease the pain if not cure it.
You said you have no reason to die. I say you have many reasons to live.
You are needed by family and by those of us on this forum and those who may later come here.
Remember that you are a loveable person. Since many here make statements that indicate that they love you, I must believe there are others in your family and friends that also love you.
DON'T give up to the feelings of useless. You are loving " that is obvious" Don't ever forget that you are also "loveable" and there are those that love and need you.
My experience with depression. is that I needed the meds and the counseling to get past these feelings. Don't ever forget that you are needed in this world and that you are very helpful and willing to help others.
We don't need another loss of people like yourself.
Make suicide an """"unacceptable""""" option and repeat it verbally even outloud when you feel really down.
If you have not yet sought some help, please do.
Outoftheorg
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AudeSapere
Hugs to you.
{{{{AuldSoul}}}}
-Aude.
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Gretchen956
((((Huggs)))) I've been struggling too. I didn't get as far as you, but one day I had a particularly nasty day, and I do struggle with some health issues and depression anyway, and I just had this weird random thought about how nice it would be not to deal with it, not to feel it. The quietness of it and the relief of it. Purely selfish. For me I didn't think about how, really, for one thing I'm a coward. But it was enough to get me to the doc and talked to a therapist a few times. I too am on meds. Took a long time but they are helping.
I'm glad you had people to help you through. It isn't rational, always, these feelings, but living through them makes us stronger.
Peace and healing.
Sherry
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Van Gogh
Dear Aldsoul,
A complete surprise and, to me, a therapeutic comfort in disguise.
Utter isolation and existential loneliness; utter lack of self worth - even relative to those who seem to be able to just walk away to face the perceived illusion of life instead of having to wake up to the harsh reality of death; always feeling obligated to face “truth”. (Is our desire to speed it up because we ultimately desire to re-attach to our source?)
Thanks for exposing the secrecy of the solitary.
Peering into the pit, without a plan as yet, but otherwise subsisting in solidarity, in the good company of you.
VG -
Hellrider
hugs for AuldSoul, hang in there.
(great text too btw, you should write poetry, dude!)
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the dreamer dreaming
in 1990 I lost my JW faith and since the only thing waiting as far as I could tell was oblivian, I said to myself, if I mess up my life too bad I can always check out, right? so I started living a bit recklessly... many women and even quit my job for another that I really did not know what I was getting myself into without giving notice....
there were moments of terror when things went a bit wrong and I thought I might actually have to check out...
but It did help me pass a long dark night of the soul... from depression and feelings that life was now meaningless because it would all end one day and that would be that and it would have amounted to zero.... to discovering that JWs and most others were wrong, life still held meaning even without the prospect of eternal life... something that puzzled me for quite a while until I read an article in the news paper one day about a chess champ, Kasparov? who defeated and was defeated by Deep Blue the IBM chess program.
he said there was no thrill of victory when beating a machine because the machine did not care... and that is when I learned that the secret of meaning did not come from comparing my life to anyones standards, not God's not yours not even my own...but resulted from my caring about what would happen as a result of my next move and what might catch up to me from my prior moves.
I came to realize that I can only live one moment at a time and that every move I make is a gamble for my happiness and a gamble against my misery and that I would have to deal with the consequences as they occurred...and that is the sole source of meaning... as I have never known a moment that I did not exist and never will... If my life ends at some point I will not be around to care nor notice...but since I will never see that day, I must continue to gamble....
and I came to realize that death holds no surety of extinction, it too is a gamble and ending my life my be a regret far worse than continuing it and so I will play the better odds in the game I know rather than gamble on the unknown game of what if anything comes after death.