How sarcasm (irony?) saved my life (WARNING: Sensitive)

by AuldSoul 65 Replies latest members private

  • AuldSoul
    AuldSoul

    WARNING: If you are suffering from suicidal ideation this may be VERY bad for you to read, or very therapeutic. I wrote it because I needed to write it, but that doesn't mean everyone needs to read it. Please use your own judgment.

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    Empty feelings. The tears have stopped, they are useless, too. Who cares, anyway?

    Comfortable, worthless feelings of complete and total uselessness, this is as it should be. How could you do it?

    Length of garden hose? Check. Why don't you have a job, you're plenty smart enough! Duct tape? Check. Cored potato, in case the duct tape doesn't seal fully? Check. How can you even be thinking about this? You have a great wife, you love her!

    Note to wife explaining how much I love her, apologizing for being such a waste, and telling her I hope she finds someone more capable and worthwhile with whom she can have babies? Check. You do love her...that is something isn't it?

    Dress. Why bother? Smirk at that thought and go out into the night. Well then, you need to go back to the beginning. Put the stuff in the car, and drive. Where are you going? Tears come again, blurry, can't see the road. Oh, right...the beginning. Drive through the tears, they aren't particularly sad tears, they surely aren't happy...they are just tears. Emptying what little was left to empty. Dumping the trash. Smirk at that thought.

    Where are you? At the beginning. At the public pool. Closed now, not used for years, fenced in, no one around for a half-mile. No one comes here. No one will find you for a while. Yeah, well, that's the point, isn't it? Don't you have reasons to live? None come to mind. My wife would be better off without me, my family already thinks I'm dead. Nah. Nothing to live for.

    Do you have reasons to die? Smirk at that thought. Damned sarcastic irony, gets me every time. None comes to mind. Avoidance the pain to come, but I'm not the type to avoid pain. It would be nice to stop feeling, but nah, I'm not gonna wimp out. Nothing to die for. Minutes pass. Nothing to die for.

    So, you can just exist for a while? Yeah, damnit. I can just exist for a while. A while longer. And I will keep doing that until I stop, because I have nothing to die for.

    I had to get this out as a personal catharsis. I also think it is important for others to know, you aren't the only one. You're not even one in a thousand. We are struggling, we survivors. But we are survivors. Of physical, sexual, spiritual, or emotional abuse, but survivors just the same.

    Thank you Big Tex and Lady Lee for being available the following day and for the wonderful advice and help you've both given. Thank you Marvin, Listener, gumby, SlayerLayer, and slacker911 for making yourselves available. You have conspired to keep me around longer than I would have been otherwise by being true friends in a time of great distress. There is a lot of pain to come, but with the meds I am on now I feel that I am up to the challenge.

    Respectfully,
    AuldSoul

  • juni
    juni

    Others are there for us, but the person in need does the hard work.

    You've succeeded in doing the hard work Auld Soul. Keep going forward-----------------------------------

    Juni

  • Tea4Two
    Tea4Two


    AuldSoul, I am eternally thankful you are here and not there.....Please stay here...please please please....I am thankful for the help you recieved from Lady Lee and the others.

    You don't know how much you add to this board. You are a treasure. A Gift! A neat package.A wonderfully made clay vessel 4:7 {4} But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, {5} that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.

    (4) He takes away a stumbling block, which darkened among some, the bright shining of the ministry of the Gospel, that is, because the apostles were the most miserable of all men. Paul answers that he and his associates are as it were, earthen vessels, but yet there is in them a most precious treasure.

    (5) He brings marvellous reasons why the Lord does so afflict his principal servants, to the end, he says, that all men may perceive that they do not stand by any man's power, but by the singular power of God, in that they die a thousand times, but never perish.

  • LittleToe
    LittleToe

    Well, my friend, you've achieved something that doesn't happen very often - you've surprised me. I had no idea, bro!

    Words fail...

    ((((hugs))))

  • Narkissos
    Narkissos

    Thank you ((((((AuldSoul))))),

    For what you did, for what you didn't do, for what you chose to write instead, into the ongoing text of your life novel, long before you decided to write it down here.

    So, you can just exist for a while? Yeah, damnit. I can just exist for a while. A while longer. And I will keep doing that until I stop, because I have nothing to die for.

    Yep.

    Take care, buddy. It's gonna be tough but now you have learnt, in utter loneliness, what life and death are really about.

    Yours in the secret solidarity of the solitary.

  • blondie
    blondie

    I'm glad you didn't follow your plan. Believe or not, Blondie, has struggled with depression over the years...at first not knowing why...I found help from people at ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) (none at the KH or in my family) and there was not internet yet.

    I'm glad that you don't feel using medication is a weakness...hey, is it a weakness to take antibiotics when we have an infection?

    I learned to take things a day at a time, find resources to reach out to when that plan starts to play in my head.

    Love, Blondie

  • Midget-Sasquatch
    Midget-Sasquatch

    Alot of sentiments in your post reverberated deeply with me. It was eerie to see some of those parallel reasonings but it did allow me to bring them up with a bit of detachment this time round. I can't thank you enough for that. I'm so glad that you're here. (((AuldSoul))).

  • atypical
    atypical

    AuldSoul, I also had no idea. You contribute so much to this board. Hi-five to you for being willing to share your pain in order to help others. Like Narkissos said, I also identified deeply with this statement:

    So, you can just exist for a while? Yeah, damnit. I can just exist for a while. A while longer. And I will keep doing that until I stop, because I have nothing to die for.

    Here's to sticking it out, my friend.

  • Sad emo
    Sad emo

    (((AuldSoul)))

    I'm another one who is so glad you're still here. Your insights and politeness are such a blessing to me and others on this board.

    That's at least a few hundred reasons more for you to keep on surviving, one day at a time.

  • carla
    carla

    what is ironic is that I find you to be one of the most helpful posters here! and yet you find no worth in yourself. I'm suprised, happy that you are getting help and have friends you can depend on. What a wealth of knowledge and love that would have been lost! Hang in there, one day at a time. If there is anything any of us can do please just ask. Sometimes that's the hardest thing, to ask for help. In my thoughts and prayers, love, carla

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